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Title: 5/5 Interesting, intriguing and related to the story.
Cover: 4/5 The cover looks really proffesional, but due to the fact that the books are seen by the readers of a size as small as a nail, the 'The Man Who' part of the title doesn't really stand out. If you could put a shadow effect, or put it against a darker background, it would definitely help.
Blurb: 3/5 The blurb sets up the story nicely as it should, but there's a few contingencies, which, if removed, can be more enticing.
i) Since there are two different clauses, there should be a comma in between. "I'm you, but from another universe."
ii) The 'one day' in the first sentence isn't really required.
iii) The second and the third sentence can be merged. "The cell phone, with all it's advanced features and photos he doesn't remember taking, just couldn't be manufactured in this era and age."
iv) If I streamline the last paragraph, it may sound like this: Diego joins alliances with the humorous thug (since the story's about Diego), in an attempt to figure out what's wrong with the universes (because 'what is going on' doesn't seem urgent), all while avoiding a serial killer on the loose, who wants nothing more than take him down, with some twisted revelations along the way.
Plot: 2/5 Your plot itself, was nothing short of unique. So, full marks for that. However, the flow of the story was really chaotic and fast-paced. Wait a bit. Expand on emotions, backstory, before going back to action. There were alternate dimensions, time travel, as well as multiple personalities, causing so many incidents that I had to read through the chapters twice to get a good idea. Time travel was especially hard to understand. I understood the part up to the Thevian ruins, but then, there were killing, time travel, Talia's suicide, and then revival. It was really confusing. I suggest you cut down on that a little. Speaking of, you have the tendency to show the events leading up to a particular point in time, after you already show us what happens then. If it isn't relevant, you can show it through dialogue.
Character development: 2/5 I got the general idea of characters, but I would hope that you introduce some differentiating features, unique ways of speech of the characters. Otherwise, they seem two-dimensional. Also, Diego's character seems to be contradicting itself. For example, in Chapter 5, he was being curious, and at the next point, he was growing impatient. For this, I would recommend using a character profile for personal use; the concise list would help you keep their characters consistent.
Originality: 5/5 Wow. That was one heck of a refreshing read. Me likey ;)
Writing Style: 4/5 Your writing style tends to be pretty formal (not that it's bad), relying on world-building and action, rather than emotions. I would say to slow down a little; don't focus on feelings, but give them the stage too.
Vocabulary: 3/5 Your vocabulary is appropriate for your genre, but there is no harm in expanding it. Look up synonyms of words and use them as well. As much as you can improve your craft, the more your work would stand out.
Grammar: 2/5 I could only spot one spelling error in the eighteen chapters I've read (don't ask me why, I'm crazy like that), and your story is devoid of any other kind of grammatical errors. Until, the tense, and narrative.
The story switches from first person, to third person limited. Which it shouldn't. Just for clarity, I'm going to give brief examples. Sounds good?
i) First person— The chapters where you write from Diego's perspective. With only his thoughts and feelings available to us.
ii) Third person limited— King Tiego, Tara, and Heath's story. With their feelings and thoughts, but told by you.
The narrative changes even within a chapter, which results in confusion. So, choose a narrative which can encompass all the events. For your story, I would recommend either third person omniscient or the whole thing in first person (told by Diego). Third person omniscient is a story told by a narrator without any attachment to any of the characters. Think 'Death' from 'The Book Thief'. I would also add that, if you're using first person please don't change Point Of Views more than twice in a chapter.
Reader's attention: 2/5 As I've mentioned before, the timelines and the plot of your story are confusing, and that's why, the reader's attention don't hold for long. Hopefully, you could clean up the flow, and your story shines likes it truly deserves.
TOTAL: 32/50 The concept of your story was really original and I'm glad that I could read it! Keep up the good work! Feel free to comment (tagging me) or pm for clarification or expansion of an idea.
Also, sorry about the long wait. My laptop crashed, and everything went full cuckoo! 😂Thanks for requesting!
