Drianna and her magic diary

Chapter VIII: Just Right

**************************

Drianna Dela Cuesta

Pag dating ko sa bahay ay agad akong umakyat ng kwarto ko at sa pag kakataong iyon ay doon bumuhos ang luhang pinipigilan kong ilabas dahil nasa loob ako ng taxi, paulit ulit kong nakikita ang imahe ng lalaking mahal ko habang may ibang kahalikan. Hindi ba parang sobra naman ata yon?

Akala ko ba wala na sila? Then what was that about?! Huh? Ano yon?! Friendly fucking kiss? And why am I acting like this right now? I left my best friends just to fucking rant over a problem that is not mine to deal with. I shouldn't feel jealous because of that kiss, regardless. He and Charlotte had something even if they already ended it.

I feel so lame right now, nakakainis..

All I want to do right now is cry and scream so loud and let it all out because it's killing me inside, I can't be strong at all times. I'm a goddam human being for God's sake, I'm not a lifeless robot. I though I knew what real pain felt like but I didn't until I saw the way he looked at her, it feels like getting stabbed in the heart for a thousand times repeatedly.

Nothing hurts more than realizing that he meant everything to me but to him? I meant nothing.

Loving him is like living inside a storm. In the end, I can only come out broken, twisted and shattered...

But I can't lie to myself, no matter what happens or no matter how badly hurt and shattered I am? Jaester will always be my favorite 'what if' and I'm still asking myself 'why can't I forget about him at all?'.

I love him without knowing how, or when, or from where. I just fucking do and even if I'm hurt, I still fucking do! This is unfair! Ayoko na siyang mahalin pero hindi ko magawang makalimot kahit anong gawin ko. Gusto ko munang makalimot na mahal ko siya kahit isang araw lang, I want to free myself from the pain of falling in love with someone whom I can't even call mine...

And now? I'm not sure what scares me more, is it the fact that he'll never start loving me or I will never stop loving him?

"What's your happiest moment?". Tatiana asked me once.

"Seeing him happy from a distance, even if he is not with me". I replied to her without any hesitations.

Did I do something during my past lives? Why am I being punished like this? Even if my past self did something, I did nothing wrong to anyone! But still? Why? Can't anyone tell me why?! Please.. I just really wanna know so at least I won't feel like this anymore, sobrang unfair..

Our parents are both not around, I can scream and cry loudly and I don't give a single damn if they thought that I'm going crazy because they can be right though. No one would fucking dare to stop me from acting like this, they can tell my parents but by the time they were able to? I'm sure I'm still sleeping.

I'm screaming and crying out loud until I can feel my throat drying up, it's painful and I'm starting to feel drowsiness because I'm already tired of doing this bullshit for straight half an hour. This is probably my longest record, I meant the first time that I cried this loud that everyone in this mansion can hear how hurt I am.

Patuloy lang ako sa pag iyak hanggang sa tuluyan na lamang akong dalawin ng antok at pagod, see? Now the pain is gone but still? I'm not yet free from it. A prisoner once and will always be forevermore, it's almost too impossible to move on.