Two Sides of the Same Coin Lams College AU {Mature} {Completed}

Chapter 18 ⚠️

A/N: Questions? Anyone?

⚠️ TW: cutting, smut, terminal illness ⚠️

Alex's POV - Saturday, January 9, 2021, 10:41 am

You're such a burden.

Oh, the little voice. Welcome back. It's been a while. Since November, I think?

You should cut.

No. I won't. Not again. I promised myself I wouldn't after last time.

You woke John up in the middle of the night because you got scared.

I... No. He had probably been woken up by the thunder, same as me.

You made him get up out of his comfy bed.

No, I didn't. He came of his own free will.

Well, you did just sit there and do nothing while he did all the work. You're such a lazy ass.

He was just trying to help...

Okay, well, what about the fact that all the shit Francis put him through was all your fault?

I already cut for that. In November. Remember?

You should do it again.

I shouldn't. I've been good for a month and a half.

So? You're still a pretty shitty person.

I sighed. The voice was right. After all, so many people's lives would be better if I hadn't been born. I rolled up my sleeves, looking at the criss-cross of scar tissue on my wrists. I pulled out the pocketknife I used for exactly this purpose, sitting down on the floor against the wall.

If I hadn't been born, my parents would still be together. Slice.

My mom wouldn't've died. Slice.

James would've still had his parents. Slice.

John wouldn't've met Francis. Slice.

James R. wouldn't be in jail. Slice.

And he wouldn't have beaten Maria. Slice.

I was just about to inflict another wound for being a burden on John when he walked in the door.

"Hey, Alex, I - Alex!"

I looked up at him as he rushed over and tore the knife from my grasp.

"Alex, what're you doing?"

I didn't answer him, just got up and walked over to my desk, pulling an Ace bandage and gauze from one of the drawers. I calmly wrapped my arm, silently vowing to finish later, before turning to my closet and beginning to look through my clothes for something to wear. John spun me around.

"Alex," he said, tears in his eyes. "Talk to me. Please." His voice broke on the last word. I sighed.

"It's... personal. Not a big deal."

He sat me down on the bed. "Alex, I just walked in on my boyfriend cutting slits in his own wrist. To me, that is a big deal."

"I was just punishing myself."

"Why? Alex, why would you do that?"

"To feel something other than the goddamn sadness I feel all the fucking time! Even when I'm with you, when I'm happy, I have this... this pain in my chest that doesn't ever go the fuck away! And it doesn't help that my inner monologue is that of a sadistic pessimist." I stopped to breathe. "Because I'm a fucked-up asshole with no future that I'm surprised you haven't dumped yet!"