Stone's Diary: Ava

Chapter 22.)

Renae hadn't even realized how long or hard she was crying until she felt those familiar arms around her. King didn't need to second guess his decision, he knew she needed him. He was already preparing to leave the house to pick up the pizza with Ava when Renae had called. The moment he heard the sadness in her voice, he busted a U-turn in her direction. Ava was sitting in the passenger seat rooting him on.

She couldn't explain it, but Renae felt so lost. Here she was supposed to be celebrating and happy about beating cancer but there was an unexplainable feeling in her gut that something was wrong or going to happen.

"I'm here," King hugged her tighter.

Renae had never cried so hard in her life. There were not enough words to explain how much she loved and missed him. There were not enough words for her to express how much she missed his touch. His presence was like a drug; she needed to have it but couldn't and that's what broke her heart.

She was emotionally exhausted.

All she could think of was all the bad she's ever done in life and how it ruined the lives of the people she loved. Throughout her childhood, she learned how to hide her scars and swallow her pain. For years, she suffered in silence and prayed many nights for it all to end. Dajon, her little brother was the first and only person to catch her cutting herself and she made him promise not to tell.

She never realized how much weight she put on his young shoulders until now. She forced him to keep her darkest secret just because she was afraid of what might happen. For years she pretended to be happy with herself and life but behind closed doors, she was crying out for help.

Then she met King, he managed to see just how lost she was. He saw how much she was suffering quicker than her parents. In a few days, he saw her hidden secret and showed concern. He wondered if she was ok, no one ever asked her that and that's what made her afraid of letting him in.

She was afraid of him seeing her bare in all her flaws. She wanted help. She wanted and needed love. She longed for protection and comfort. He barely knew her but was willing to drop everything just to be her guardian angel. She never asked for him to but he chose to because he could see her strength underneath her distress. He made it a mission to save her from herself even if it meant putting himself last.

He put her feelings before his own and always put his life on hold just to make sure she was happy.

She never realized how much of himself and his life he threw away for sake of her happiness. He was always selfless when it came to her but she was always selfish. She didn't need anyone to throw that in her face because she came to terms with it. She may not have intended to be, but her traumas were a result of her behavior. It wasn't an excuse for the way she treated him or their kids, but sometimes she couldn't help it.

She hated being reminded that she suffered from a few mental illnesses. It made her feel crazy. She felt as if she didn't belong on the earth. As if she was unworthy or having the right to breathe let alone smile.

That was the broken part of her.

She deserved happiness. She deserved the love that she fought so hard against. She deserved to forgive herself but she wouldn't allow herself to. She could forgive everyone else but felt guilty for wanting to forgive herself for all the drama she caused.

She had kids that were afraid of her going off the deep end but also afraid to leave her by herself. Her kids were her life. She would never do anything to intentionally harm them and hated that she caused Reign so much pain. She and Kaari were her first. They made her a better woman. They made her see things differently. The love that she had for them was unmatched.