Katya sat silently in her room, feeling the same defeat that she had felt when she first got injured. Without realizing it, she had put all her unfilled dreams on Trixie's shoulders, and now guilt was eating her up.
Why had she thought she could do this?
She was a washed up failure, the shadow of a silly over-confident dancer who had gotten distracted by the pressure of her mother watching her, an immature dancer who hadn't noticed a stage mistake and lost her career because of it.
Her life should have meant so much more and yet she threw it all away in one stupid moment. One idiotic moment had ruined everything she was. For years she had lived in darkness. Over and over she had sat alone in her house, wondering what her life could have been. Drowned herself in loneliness and hid away from the world.
And then a beautiful, young, passionate dancer had shown up on her doorstep and she'd gotten infatuated with the feeling of success again. Foolishly she had convinced herself that she could change the entire world of ballet through Trixie. Make her mark again as the teacher who taught the legendary Trixie Mattel, make a wonderful comeback onto the scene by presenting this unconventional and yet phenomenal dancer, and regain the glory of her youth.
What a pretentious asshole she was...
Here she was... older, and yet the same over-confident dancer who once fell off stage...
The worst part was that she had done it to someone she loved, someone who deserved nothing but unselfish support and care. That was another thing Katya had come to realize, she loved Trixie. But she felt unworthy of even holding the girl in her arms now. Trixie deserved something better than her.
Suddenly she heard a soft knock on her door.
"Katya? I'm coming in." Trixie's voice said with a determined tone.
Katya said nothing, she just stared into the air, feeling as empty as she had before the doll came into her life, all the belief she had regained now gone. Trixie made her way over, sitting down on the bed next to her.
"Are you okay?" The young ballerina asked.
As hurt as Trixie had been by the artistic director's words, she had also been able to brush it off soon enough once she focused on what Katya had said about her. People thinking she was too fat for ballet was after all nothing knew, it was always hurtful, but it didn't matter in comparison to what Katya's view of her was. Trixie's mind kept replaying Katya saying that she was better than the Russian had been. It was something the young dancer felt hard to believe, but it still made her chest swell with pride. And then nothing else mattered, and soon her tears had dried and all she worried about was the other woman who had experienced her biggest trauma being used as a cheap stab against her.
"It is question I should ask you." Katya responded with a forced laugh through her tears.
"I'm fine. What she said.. it hurt at first, but then I thought about what you said, and her words didn't matter much anymore." Trixie said with a soft smile, her voice calm and reassuring as she noticed the tense air in the room.
"That is good." The other woman said quietly, nodding her head almost as if to herself.
"Did you mean it?" The young doll asked.
"What?"
"When you said that I'm better than her principal dancers, and... when you said I'm better then you were.. Did you mean that?" Trixie asked, praying that it wasn't just something the Russian had said in the heat of the moment.
"Yes, I mean it.. it is why you should not train with me. You are too good, I can not help. I was dumb to think I could." Katya said sadly.
"Huh?"
"Trixie, I let myself get lost in dream, silly ambition to have my student shine since I can no longer. I thought maybe, maybe if you make it, then I can return and be choreographer. I should not have thought.." The Russian tried to explain.
"Katya, that's not silly at all. I didn't get it until now... how some of them view you.. I thought you just turned down jobs because you were bitter, but now I can see that it's because of how they view you. But it's not everyone, I promise. There are so many people out there who see you as the most amazing dancer to have ever graced the stage." Trixie said with a bright smile and tears in her eyes, taking Katya's hands in hers to make the woman look at her before she continued. "That day, it wasn't your fault. None of what happened was your fault, and no one should ever allow you to feel otherwise. It was an accident, and you have to let yourself move on. Stop torturing yourself by dancing that choreography at night in the shadows, and let yourself step into the light again."
"I.. I can not, Trixie. It is too difficult... There are many regrets."
"We all have regrets, but we can't let them stop us from living. At some point, you have to move on. And don't say you can't train me, of course you can. Think of everything you've done for me, I'd have never gotten where I am today without you. Look at what you've done, what you achieved, not at what happened that day or where you've been since. The best choreographers have a story to tell, the best teachers have experience, and you have both, so use it. You have so much to give, Katya." Trixie said, letting all her love and admiration seep into her words.
Katya found herself transfixed by the young girl. How could someone so young be so wise?
How could this girl who danced like a flower on the water infiltrate her darkened mind and force sunshine in?
And then that small ball of hope appeared within Katya again, and the her who used to believe grew forward in the shadows of guilt and regret.
Maybe she could start again?
"Thank you, Trixie." She whispered softly before letting her head fall onto the other girl's shoulder.
YOU ARE READING
Pain Is Beauty ✔~ trixya
Fanfic"You want to be ballet dancer? Get used to psychological terror." Trixie Mattel had been at the academy since the age of eleven. But by the age of sixteen every teacher who had ever believed in her had told her she should quit. She didn't have the...
