Pawned Virtue - #wattys2015 BK4 TPBS - Completed 1st draft

-26-

Not edited.

"Fuck" he whispered into the air. He was such an idiot!

Lucas fell to his knees in front of Tara and grabbed both her hands. Inwardly he grimaced as she flinched but he deserved nothing less.

"No! No way in hell will I hurt you or Maggie, Tara. Fuck! Yes I'm angry but hurting either of you... no! I'm angry that she gossiped and I won't lie, I will talk to her about it but I couldn't ever hurt her! Please believe me... please."

His begging cut through her as a knife would to butter. She didn't know what to believe. It was like he was two maybe even three different people and with everything that ran through her mind she didn't need a mind reader to tell her she confused.

He scared her but at the same time she felt things for him that she shouldn't. She didn't know what to believe.

Lucas sighed and dropped his head down onto her lap to rest on their joined hands. The move wasn't one she'd was expecting and she couldn't help but jump in surprise as she looked down at the back of his head.

This man, this grown man, an adult... was kneeling down in front of her begging her to believe him. The whole situation was unlike any that she'd ever heard of before. She'd certainly never seen such an intense reaction.

"I believe you." Her words a whisper that only the two of them heard.

Where those words came from she had no idea but she did know that they were real. He wouldn't hurt Maggie and for that she was relieved.

He raised himself up and smiled a dismal smile at her.

"I wish I'd never hurt you Tara. I wish... I wish I wasn't as fucked up as I was. I could offer you a million excuses but that's what they'd always be... just plain ridiculous excuses and you deserve the truth."

"Then tell me Lucas. Please" she broke off as she choked back a sob "help me understand why. I can't forget it. It's a part of me, I live it every single day. I'm scared to get close to any man now in case... being touched scares me."

"I'm so so sorry Tara." Lucas looked at her in pity and shame "I know its my fault and if I could change it..."

"Please Lucas" this time it was she who was pleading "tell me! What did Maria do? Why did you think you needed to be so cold? So" she paused and whispered hoarsely 'so hurtful".

Lucas couldn't look at the pain she held in her eyes knowing it was his fault she felt it in the first place. He stood up and moved away from her to stand at the edge of the pergola with his hands deep in his pockets and his gaze looking out at the horizon without actually seeing any of it.

"My main mistake was putting Maria in a place she didn't deserve to be. She didn't deserve that pedestal I put her on Tara. She wasn't who I thought she was."

He walked back to the chair hed been sitting in earlier and sat on it sideways placing his chin on his arms as he rested them on the table.

"I hadn't intended to look back through the earlier notes of her record but, well... I was obsessed. I was sure there had to be something. The last pages" he swallowed hard "they were tough to read. It was like reliving her final moments all over again."

Tara felt the tears as they slid down over her cheeks.

"I found something. It gutted me. I would have agreed but I never knew. It was finding it out that pushed me to keep looking until I went back through it all."

He sat up so suddenly she jumped. Turning to face her his eyes softened at her tears.

"When Maria was diagnosed she was told she was pregnant. She had an abortion."

He broke off as Tara gasped and put her hands to her face.

"I would have agreed with that choice Tara. If I'd known, I would have agreed to it so she had the best fighting chance... but I wasn't told."

The pain he was feeling was clearly etched across his face as he fought for the words to continue. His shoulders slumped, his face became twisted and his hands grabbed his knees as if in a bid to hold himself still.

"I wasn't told about the one she had earlier either." His words were bitter.

"What?" Lost for words  That was the only way Tara could explain the way she was feeling.

Lucas nodded with a grim and almost devil like appearance taking over his appearance.

"I read those notes over and over. The doctor, the counsellor, the surgeon... all of them wrote the same things. Father unknown. Mother not willing to have children. The best part was that she asked to be sterilised and they wouldn't in case she changed her mind. She was too young. They told her she'd have to wait." Anguish. He pushed himself to continue because if he didn't he knew he'd always keep Maria on the pedestal she didn't deserve to be on "That's why I wanted a business arrangement. I guess you could say I wanted an incubator. I figured the only way to make sure it didn't happen again was to make a deal."

He looked at her with tears swelling up again.

"She killed our baby Tara... my baby... she killed..."

His voice was lost as choking sounds replaced his ability to speak. Tara was crying with him. She did the only thing that she could do, without thought of anything past, present or future she opened her arms and he fell to the ground in front of her.

His fingers gripped hold of the material of her shirt while she held him into her chest. Months... years...  of hidden grief finally spilled free.

Lucas sobbed, he howled, he wanted to scream while Tara gently smoothed his hair and made low cooing sounds in an offer of comfort as she cried for her own loss of innocence because of a bitch called Maria.

Baring his soul in such a way wasn't as cleansing as some people might say it is. If anything it made him realise the full extent of those two words he'd used quite often himself as he'd scoffed at others.

Gullible fool.