Alive//H.S

I Cant Carry This Anymore

I don't feel like I'm enough
You can probably see right through me
'Cause I can promise if you knew me
You would probably walk away
No, you wouldn't want to stay

Lila Rose

Last night felt like a dream, an amazing, dark-haired, green-eyed dream

We had made the most of the night, a slow walk home and a small stroll past the bridges of the city, looking in windows and running across streets, make-outs by shadowed trees as the only lights were the streetlights from the city, shining against his glowing skin and I had never in my life felt so strongly about wanting to be someones more in my life.

He looked so good, those long lean legs covered in black dress pants and his wide shoulders of steel covered in a loose button-up, his warm tattoed skin peeking out of the top where the buttons weren't buttoned. It was honestly scary how much emotion was in the way I simply felt when I was with him, a feeling I had only read about in books. He makes me so happy, so undeniably happy at the simple touch of a finger.

I hadn't been touched with so much gentleness since before my dad died, and way before I met Ian. He would ask for permission and he would ever so carefully hold my hand in one, and my waist in the other, leaving little love marks down my neck, and I smile to myself even now at how good that felt, a simple cliche teenager thing to do, but I never got that when I was a teenager.

I currently laid under his covers, him practically pushing me away and into my own room to change into comfier clothes before he could tug me close again. I hadn't been awake long, only about twenty minutes, and if I'm going to be honest, I have never seen someone look so sexy when they wake up.

His hair was ruffled, curls going everywhere and the thought of having to wake him up soon so we could get the flight to Boston was something that pained me immensely. We leave for Boston today, and Washington immediately tomorrow after the show, meaning that we had to get as much sleep on the plane as we could tomorrow.

I trace my cold hands across his perfect skin, tracing small delicate circles around the tattoos and I stop when he sifts, tugging me closer and I instinctively bury my head into his neck, breathing in his sweet scent and feeling how warm he is.

"Hazzie," I whisper softly against his ear and he groans, tugging my waist to his and I grin, ruffling my hand through his messy long curls.

"C'mon we've gotta go soon," I whisper, nibbling on his ear with little kisses and he opens his warm sleepy eyes, looking down at me and I smile innocently, leaning up to kiss his soft lips, him mumbling into them.

"Don't wanna get up," he groans and I giggle quietly, him turning on his back, my head on his chest now.

"We've gotta get to the airport," I coo, pecking up and down his neck and he smiles sleepily, closing his eyes again and I just kiss his whole face all over as he slowly wakes up, pressing my lips to his again before I start to crawl out of bed. I smile to myself as his cold hands reach for my waist, trying to pull me back. I kept my argument strong, ignoring his calls for me to come back.

"We can sleep on the plane, C'mon," I say sternly, tugging the blanket off of him and he grumbles ridicule at me under his breath as he gets up, me heading over to my room to grab my bags, leaving him to take a shower.

I felt so uncomfortable having to lie to him last night.

He asked me so many questions about what I did last year and earlier this year and all I wanted to do was tell him about everything. I hate it. I hate that I sit in front of him and lie about how I feel. I feel disgusting. I feel hurt and disgusting and no matter how many showers I take I can still feel both his hands and the blood dripping down my stomach and thighs. I need to tell him, I just don't know how to not break him.