Alive//H.S

Feeling Whitney

And I've been looking for someone to put up with my bullshit
I can't even leave my bedroom so I keep pouring
And I ain't seen the light of day since, well, that's not important
It's been long

Me rn after how bad the last chapter was:

Lila Rose

"Have you tried this on a guitar?" Harry asked as he moves closer, leaning over the side of the piano as I watch him carefully, snapping myself out of the trance I was in to sit up a bit straighter, fumbling with my words before I finally spoke.

"No...I'm not the best at guitar but I try," I shrug I hear Harry hum, grabbing the guitar out of Mitch's hands as Mitch rolls his eyes, walking away to eat the sandwich he had brought. I looked up at Harry as he sat down by me on the piano bench, letting our knees touch as he glances at my notebook, my eyes watching his every move.

"I was thinking we could layer in the voices, Annika can work on that with you and I also know that we can get in another day to record the song if you would like to...I think it would be really great for tour," Harry says and my heads spinning so fast that I feel my stomach twist. I nod as he grabs the leather notebook he carries around the studio, opening it to a new page and writing the title at the top in his sloppy handwriting. He leans over to see my notebook and I move it closer between us, letting him get a better view of it.

How can you miss someone you've never met?
'Cause I need you now but I don't know you yet
But can you find me soon because I'm in my head?
Yeah, I need you now but I don't know you yet

I look at him with my lips parted as his voice flows through my ears, and I feel my shoulders settle at the sound, the angelic voice of his flowing through the sound waves until they bounce off my broken heart, leaving a bandage in their absence. I feel as if I'm flying like I'm not on the ground anymore and his voice is taking me away, pulling me out of this stupid fucking reality.

'Cause lately it's been hard
They're sellin' me for parts
And I don't wanna be modern art
But I only got half a heart to give to you

He looks up from the guitar when he jots something down, watching my eyes closed and I resist the urge to keep staring into them by looking away and down at what he was writing in his scribbles, different chords that I had recognized from some of my dad's music.

"I added a bit of a key change into the main chorus if that's okay...I don't want to completely change the bones of the song, but I thought that would be nice," he rambles on and I nod at him cutely, stopping his rambling.

Ooo oh ohh oh oh oh
Ooo oh ohh oh oh oh
Ooooo ohh oh oh oh

I watch in amazement as he adds on another verse to the end, humming the exit piano part as he writes it, the time seeming to slow down and I step back and see where I am again. I see those late-night talks on the beach and that night by the pool, walking along the waters and singing One Direction songs as we sat on the roof.

I miss her. I miss that girl.

I miss being able to breathe and how hard it is now to enjoy the simple things in life without having to watch my every move. I'm afraid, I'll admit that. I'm afraid that I won't make it through this tour alive, and I'm afraid Harry will find out all of the impossible secrets and lies that lay beyond my mind at every turn. he's already so patient with me, and even now I crave that voice and that touch he had given me in the elevator.

But, I can't do that to him. I can't break him. Harry deserves the best person in the world, and if I were to get between that, he would just leave. I want Harry to be mine, and I want to be his, but with our lifestyles that would be really hard, aside from all of our own issues.

I knew that Kendall and Harry were together for a really long time, and I know that there had to be some tension between them, but I just can't see Harry that way. The type of person to hold a grudge or be rude to someone else besides someone that was rude back to him. I couldn't create that person that could be with him even if I tried, and I knew that.

when I had accepted the offer to go on this tour, I hadn't thought of the actual challenges of what being with harry at all times could cause, and how much this could end up not only hurting me but also him. I keep just imagining how he would react if he found everything out, and the only thing I see is him leaving me.

I only see how Ian would react.

"Lila?" I hear him ask and I snap back into this fatal embarrassment of reality, seeing him watching me closely, eyed worried and bright as he sits back down next to me.

"You look a bit pale, Tulip...you okay?" Mitch says as he looks up from his sandwich, my heart thumping louder than their voices.

"You alright?" He asks and I nod quickly, sitting up straighter and paying more attention to the paper he had added more notes to, me feeling his eyes still on me as I clear my throat. I feel that familiar feeling starts to tingle in my thighs and I claw at my hands to hopefully make the urge go away.

Don't give in to that urge here, Lila. Just suck it up. Don't do it.

I can't. I can't let him see into my brain. Keep it down Lila.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom," I say quickly as I stand up quickly, grabbing my phone from off of the piano before practically sprinting towards the bathroom in the hall, letting the little food I had eaten that day come up from my throat the second my knees hit the ground.

I need Ian to leave. I need him to leave my mind.

"Lila?" I hear Harry's voice on the other side of the door and I feel my stomach clench again, clearing my voice to hopefully sound okay.

"I'll be out in just a minute!" I say and I pull myself off the floor, quickly grasping my phone where I had thrown it onto the tile, quickly pulling up Clara's name.

Lila:
I don't think I can do this Clara

Clara:
What happened? Are you okay?

Lila:
I'm in the bathroom
I just can't do it

Clara:
Yes, you can, Lila. You are so strong, babe. I know you can do this

Clara:
Do this for Harry

I put my phone back down on the floor, not being able to stop my hands from pressing into the fresh scars on my legs, hoping that would tend to the urge that was swelling in my head.

I sigh at the feeling, letting my head hit the back of the door and for twenty seconds I feel my heart calm, the feeling letting me breathe again.

I can't do this.

•••••••••••

That was the worst written chapter I've ever published I-

Sunny