Alive//H.S

The Moon Song

I'm safe and we're a million miles away
We're lying on the moon
It's a perfect afternoon
Your shadow follows me all day
Making sure that I'm
Okay and we're a million miles away

SIX

Harry

Somethings wrong and I don't know what it is. It feels wrong, being here with Lila on our last shows and feeling like this isn't right for us anymore.

I love Lila, I love her so much,  it i can't help but feel as if I don't like the idea of her not being able to grow up and be a single bachelorette in California, and just learn how to be herself instead of her making decisions based on what I do. Me following Lila through life like a lost puppy isn't her learning to rely on herself for her own happiness, but that's her thinking that no one else can make her happy. You can't build a relationship off of trauma, it just doesn't work the way I wish it did. Lila gets her happiness from me, and she leans on me for anything and everything. I love her, and I need her in my life, but the thought of her not being able to depend on herself to be happy is gutting.

We had walked around the stadium in Minneapolis a little bit before the show time, and as I stand on stage, before a whole crowd of people, I am reminded of how easy it was to fall in love with her. Shes a firecracker, always dancing and always being herself on stage, dancing as if she was alone in the room, and seeing her so happy...seeing how happy she is on stage, reminds me that what I'm doing is a good thing. Leaving Lila isn't good. No way in hell is it good, and it's going to be the most painful thing in the world, but I know staying with her and not letting her find her own happiness and become the girl she's made to be is going to be worth it for us. The show went fast as it always does, and I think even Lila could tell I was in my head all night. I tried my best to keep my head on the show, and keep the fans interested, but for some reason all I could think about was how bad this was going to hurt her.

Shes so delicate and so beautifully sensitive in her own ways, I'm just scared it'll ruin her. And that's exactly what I don't want from this. I want her to grow from this, and become how she feels she is on the inside instead of growing herself off of trauma. The backstage was quiet besides the fans screaming, and I saw Lila sitting by herself in my dressing room, on her phone as she ties her hair away from her face, sweaty from the stage.

"Hey," she smiles, and the sound of her voice calms me somehow, but it also hurts me. "Hey," I say back, closing my eyes in exhaustion as I roll my neck, cracking it and she smiles at me when I open my eyes again. "You wanna go sleep for a while...maybe take a shower?" She says, standing and I pick at my nails, shrugging. "Mitch asked me to go out to the bar with him, gets some drinks and stuff," I say quietly, and she nods, looking up at me. "Okay...maybe later then?" She whispers, and I can see confusion piling behind her eyes but I can't get myself to say anything. "I'll see you at the hotel," She whispers when i don't reply, rummaging through my bag, and I nod, giving her a kiss on the cheek before walking away quickly, and I can still feel her eyes on me as I do so.

______

"Somethings wrong," Mitch says, setting his drink down on the table with a thud and I look up at him, shrugging. "Don't pull that shit with me," he whispers and I sigh, sitting back in my seat and the words practically fall out of my mouth.

"I'm breaking up with Lila,"

It's quiet for a minute, and I look up at him, and he runs his hands into his long hair, shaking his head. "You've gone mad if you think you're doing that to her," He says, not even looking at me and I can feel tears wanting to form in my eyes. "She needs her time to become who she really is...and I can't be trailing behind her like a puppy and letting her happiness depend on me," I whisper, and Mitch whips his head towards me. "Have you not seen the way Lila has changed because of you? Are you that stupid to just let her go after all you've helped her with," he says, and I shake my head again.