Alive//H.S

Hidden In The Sand

When you had to bid adieu
Said you'd never love anew
I wondered if I could hold it
And fall in love with it too
You told me to buy a pony
But all I wanted was you

FOUR

Harry

I stepped out of the hotel doorway, and I leaned back against the door. I'm becoming someone I promised myself I wouldn't ever become-the boyfriend that leaves his girl behind in a room when he knows shes in pain. she kept asking if it was her fault, and I just wanted to scream that I wasn't doing this because of her I was doing this for her. I felt like I could throw up at the sound of her sobs as she mumbles something on the other side of the door-and I want to tell her what's going on so bad.

I knew I was doing the wrong thing, but I know at the same time that I need to do this for us.

Mitch was quiet tonight, and I could tell he was angry at me by the way he left me with Jeff as he and some friends went to a different bar. Jeff and I walked in silence back to the hotel lobby and he lets out a sigh. "Mitch told me," he says. Of course he did.

"Of course he did," I mumble, sticking my hands into my pockets and I can practically smell spring in the air, Jeff's shoes scuffing against the floor of the hotel and the thought of going up to my room had me wanting to cry. "I don't even know what to say, Harry," he whispers and I stand in the elevator, looking down at my shoes and I can feel bile rise in my throat at the disappointment in his voice, and I shake my head. "Please don't say anything...I already know," I say and he sighs, walking out of the elevator, not saying a word and I watch him go, scratching the back of my neck as I walk down the long hallways, trying to figure out how I'm going to break it to her. She's going to be heartbroken...and I'm the reason she's going to feel so much pain. I keep having to remind myself that this isn't forever, this is just so she can find herself before we go even further. I'm not just doing this to her-I'm doing this to myself too.

I unlock the door, and I hear the quiet tv running as I set my wallet down in the kitchen, and it's quiet otherwise. I open the fridge, grabbing a water and I make my way into the bedroom, seeing her curled in the pillows, her eyes focused on the tv and I go into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and I splash water over my face, running my hands through my hair before I put my head in my hands, thinking of how fast this has changed. I didn't want this to happen this way, her not talking to me-but at the same time I'd rather her slowly find out than get punched in the heart all at once.

I wonder what she'll be like after I leave, if she'll become even more of a beautiful girl...maybe she'll keep writing music or she'll create a makeup line like she's always talked about. Maybe she'll become an author or...get married and have kids. No matter what it is, I know that this is going to be okay. When I first met Lila she was so shy-but once we got to know each other she was sassy and strong, and she didn't take anything from anyone. I miss her, that strong girl- not saying she isn't strong now but I wish we just could've started without having Ian in the pictures. I want to see that sassy strong girl again. I want her to be happy.

I pull on a pair of sweats, tying my hair back with a small clip and I take a deep breath before walking back out into the room, and I sit at the side of the bed, hearing the quiet talking voices of the movie playing, and I sit against the headboard, on my phone, mindlessly scrolling before I can't handle the uncommon silence in the room, and I turn on my side, sighing. "Lila," I whisper, and shes silent, but I know by her breathing that she's awake and that she heard me. "Lila Rose," I mumble and she hums shortly, not looking at me, and I shift awkwardly. "I wanna talk to you," I whisper and she stays quiet for a little before slowly turning around, not looking at me as she picks at her fingers, and I feel stuck in my own skin trying to decide if I should hold them or not.