Vague (Xiaoyang)

23. Session

"Yang..." Xiaojun gasped looking up at the mirror to see them in that pose, Yangyang's closed eyelids, his arms, the insane movements of his lips.

Xiaojun couldn't believe it was really him, in that strange place, right here, touched, kissed, not running away from another human and his poisonous germs.

"If it weren't for your condition," whispered Yangyang still pleasing his neck leaving red marks.

"What then?" Stuttered Xiaojun.

"I'd do so many things with you," Yangyang sighed cuddling closer into him kissing his shoulder through the fabric of his hoodie.

Xiaojun's vision blurred, his body filling with pain and fear again.

"Please don't touch me," he was trying to pull Yangyang's hands off him.

"What?" Asked Yangyang turning him around pressing him to the sink.

"Don't! Ok, you can not!"

"What can I not. Why can't I even mention sex without you freaking out."

Xiaojun covered his ears hoping for that torture to end now.

"Hey, I won't do that, I know you're not there yet, maybe will never be there. Ok, I get it,"
Yangyang raised his voice.

Xiaojun felt tears rolling down his cheeks when Yangyang sighed moving from him.

"Sorry for talking stupid shit. It's just, you're so... whatever," Yangyang left the bathroom slamming the door shut, when Xiaojun was standing there trembling from fear.

"Xiaojun! Hey! Please talk to me, I had been a bit horny last night and was talking nonsense," Yangyang caught up to Xiaojun on their way to school the next morning.

You gave me a sleepless night, thought Xiaojun hurrying his steps.

"Guys! You're ok!" Hendery's shout rang the corridor.

He came straight to them falling over Xiaojun hugging him, when Xiaojun froze begging himself to stay calm although all his senses were willing to use all force and push Hendery away.

"Let go off my boyfriend," hissed Yangyang so Hendery scooped back watching them both in shock.

"What do you mean boyfriend?"

"Xiaojun is my boyfriend so hands off," Yangyang crossed his arms sending Hendery a killer glance.

"Uh... that's... if you really want to date someone who can't even kiss," muttered Hendery finding his confidence back.

"He can kiss and how he can, Xiaojun is a great kisser," Yangyang winked to him when Xiaojun's whole face began to burn.

"I'll go to class," he stuttered passing them feeling Yangyang's affection from last night waking up all over his neck.

"I won't believe you have really kissed him until I see it with my own eyes," he heard Hendery's annoying voice behind himself, but he never cared less sprinting towards the class.

"Where is my father? Is he alive?" Xiaojun was looking at the bookshelf in doctor Seo's office.

The school day has fortunately ended as he was so fed up of Hendery doing disgusting kissing sounds whenever he saw him and Yangyang wasn't around.

"What troubles you Xiaojun?" Asked doctor Johnny.

"I don't know if my father is still alive, or if he's fine, or where he is. In jail, with another lover, lying dead at some roadside."

"Is it what really troubles you?"

The doctor's calm voice raised all hair on his body. Xiaojun began to play with his sleeve feeling a knot tightening in his throat.

"Last night... his mum touched my hands and I was washing them many times in the bathroom. He suddenly came in, placed his arms around me and... he was touching my neck with his lips and tongue..." Xiaojun felt his rushed heartbeat. "I hate him. How can he do things like that."

"What did you feel when he was kissing your neck?"

"What!" Xiaojun looked up at the doctor. "You can't ask things like that!"

"Why can't I ask. What did you feel when Yangyang was kissing your neck?"

"Afraid, uncomfortable... passion... as if my body was burning, as if it could explode any second. I..."

Xiaojun began to bite his lip pulling on the sleeve of his hoodie more.

"What is so difficult to be said out?"

"I don't know. It hurts here," Xiaojun pointed at his throat. "As if there was some force holding those words, some resistance."

"Try to speak them out, not for me, for yourself to hear."

Xiaojun shook his head, tears began to roll down his cheeks, he grabbed a handkerchief from the package on the small table next to his armchair.

"I was afraid... but not of his touch. I was afraid of myself and the things in my heart and head, as I could easily... give in. Allow him to continue... kiss his neck... beg him to pin me against the sink and... undress... I mean. Hypothetically, it can never happen. I can never do things like that."

"Why?"

"Because it would kill me. I wouldn't survive it."

"I agree, it would kill the child in you as children don't have sex, adults have," doctor Seo was calm.

Xiaojun was blowing his nose into the handkerchief not daring to look up at the man.

"When he left I was hard, I had to touch myself like that, even if I hate to touch myself like that. I don't want to feel it. I hate Yangyang."

"We will stop here, thank you for today. We will see ourselves on Friday," doctor Seo sent him a warm smile.

"I hate you even more than him," hissed Xiaojun.

"You will tell me about that on Friday's session," doctor Johnny grinned.

"Bye," Xiaojun got up storming out of the office feeling so torn and messed up.

Weren't the sessions there to stitch him up, not tear him open? His heart banging rapidly.

"Was the therapy difficult?" Asked Winwin who was sitting in the corridor waiting for him.

"Yes," Xiaojun took the handkerchieves he has taken from doctor Seo's office out drying his face.
How could it have happened, him speaking about what, his wish to be touched like that by Yangyang. He should run away, find his father sink into the static misery of going ahead without a goal, without home, definitely without such problems.

Thank you so much for your feedback. What do you think about Xiaojun being mad at himself and Yangyang and about his session? Will he get closer or become distant to Yangyang?

Much <3