Vague (Xiaoyang)

17. Footsteps in the dark

Yangyang sighed but stayed there not coming near him.

"Dejun when this ends you need to seek professional help," he said.

Xiaojun just shook his head, he might have seen her face or at least her shadow if Yangyang hadn't invaded.

That Yangyang, who had hurt him so much, had touched other people that way and they have left their germs and traces on him, so Xiaojun will never be able to touch him like he loved to again, to kiss him like he wished to again.

"Dejun why are you crying?" Asked Yangyang his voice cracking.

Xiaojun just shook his head. He started to use his sleeves to dry off the tears but new were coming uncontrollably.

Yangyang was quiet just standing there in the same distance, as if there has been an abyss between them, an abyss his illness has created.

"Dejun maybe you can tell me about it?" Yangyang's voice was gentle.

He nodded his head, so Yangyang walked to the living room sitting down on the carpet very close to the spot Xiaojun has been sleeping on.

Xiaojun was trembling walking closer until sitting down cross legged in some distance to Yangyang.

"Can you tell me why you're crying?" Yangyang was still calm.

"I... just..." Xiaojun took a long breath.

There was just silence in which he was trying to find that sounds he has been looking for yet it was gone like her.

"I think my mother never existed," whispered Xiaojun after a while.

"What do you mean?"

"I was thinking about it for years now, trying to collect some pieces of information about her and I believe she never existed and maybe a part of her never being is still inside, me so I'm just... not fully existent." Xiaojun bit his lip.

Yangyang was watching him in the same serious way.

"Are you trying to tell me Jaemin has made you out of what, sperm and thin air?" Asked Yangyang.

"Sounds crazy right?" Xiaojun sighed.

"I bet that bastard isn't that innocent, he has done it with a real woman trust..."

"Don't speak about that!" Xiaojun covered his ears.

When he looked up at Yangyang there has been something like a glitter of understanding in his eyes.

"When has it started, your illness?" He asked.

"I... don't remember it seems it has always been here."

"But it's getting worse lately, right? It's definitely way worse than when we have first met?"

Xiaojun nodded. It was surprising that for the very first time in his life he had someone he could speak to so openly about it. Someone who wasn't judging him, wasn't thinking he's crazy or at least pretending he doesn't think so.

"So when is it getting better?" Yangyang was still watching him.

Xiaojun was trying to remember but it was so difficult.

"In Autumn's house," he whispered.

"Who is Autumn?"

"My father was doing this with her for a month and we were living with her, she was so kind, made me feel like at home. Like your mum and Winwin. And when I'm listening to your music you playing violin, then it's getting better."

Their eyes met giving Xiaojun a weird sensation he was trying to fight as his body suddenly wished to close the gap between him and Yangyang.

"Can you touch my hand?" Asked Yangyang stretching his arm out towards him.

Xiaojun was trembling like glowing and falling at the same time.

Those hands have touched Bell the way Jaemin has been touching all those women, Hendery had made it clear.

Yet when they had kissed before Xiaojun had found out nothing bad has happened to him, Yangyang's kiss hasn't damaged or harmed him in any way.

"I..." he trembled clenching his fist.

"Hold my hand," Yangyang suddenly wrapped his fingers around his when Xiaojun's whole body began to tremble.

A part of him wished to escape and never return another to allow Yangyang to be so close.

Yangyang's thumb was caressing his palm so gently.

"Please, it is too much," whispered Xiaojun.

"Stop fighting with yourself," Yangyang scooped closer brushing his fingertips down his face, his hot breath lingering on Xiaojun's lips, so deliciously sweet and warm.

Yet Yangyang had kissed Bell, has still been carrying her germs.

Xiaojun suddenly jumped up running out of the house into the cold night feeling hot tears staining his face. Why did he have to have this illness? Why? His palm still carrying Yangyang's touch he hated more then Jaemin and his mum, hated the most in the whole universe.

Dejun wasn't approachable at all since last night, it was as if he had sunken into himself becoming so weird each time anyone tried to approach. Yangyang could see how Dejun was struggling to eat an apple this morning, but after taking two bites he spat everything out then ran to the sink to clean the apple under a hot stream for the next fifteen minutes. Yangyang was worried, something has definitely happened when Dejun was speaking to Hendery that day they have been kidnapped, as Dejun wasn't himself ever since.

"You filthy intruder, you will go to the city with me, we need supplies," Jaemin finished his breakfast completely unbothered by his son's actions then looked straight at Yangyang.

Thank you so much for your feedback. What do you think about the chapter? Xiaojun speaking time Yangyang about his issues? Him loosing control over his illness? What will happen now?

Also next week I will only be able to post one chapter of this story as I'm preparing for an important exam, sorry for that and thank you for being here for me.
Much <3