THE FORBIDDEN LIST (UNIPHANT)

Chapter 18

Ella's POV

And just like that, she got saved.

KINABUKASAN

Maaga akong pumunta sa hospital to visit mom. Habang papunta ako dun ay nakikita kong maliwanag na ang kalangitan. There's literally no sign of rain.

Thank you God. Thank you for the second chance.

Masaya akong binati ni mommy. Mukhang medyo mabuti na ang pakiramdam nya ngayon compared nung mga nakaraang araw.

"Good morning din sa napakaganda kong mommy. So how are you feeling today?."

"Pretty good. I guess your prayers finally worked this time. You must've promised something really life changing  last night." That somehow broke me.

"I sure did Mom." I promised God that I would let go of Gabb so your life could be extended. I just hope Gabb would understand.

5pm.

Nagpaalam nako kanina kay Tita G. She's at the hospital now for work. Nag-iimpake nako ngayon ng mga gamit ko.

"Seryoso? Lilipat kina Abby?."

"Mas malapit ang bahay nila sa hospital. Kung sakaling may mangyari like what happened last night at least makakapunta ako dun agad." Walang expression kong sagot rito.

"Bakit? Pwede naman kitang ihatid. We'll get there fast."

"Gabb--"

"Ella, umamin ka nga sakin. Is there something wrong?. May nagawa bakong mali?."

"Wala."

"Then why are you leaving?." Sabi na parang maiiyak na.

"Because that's what I have to do." Tingin ko sa kanya.

Silence.

"What does that supposed to mean?."

"Gabb, this is wrong. So wrong. We're not supposed to be together."

"Pero sabi mo mahal mo ko. Ella, isn't that enough?. I thought you're willing to take a risk?. Ella, say it. Say that you love me."

"I do love you Gabb, but I love God more."

"Are you freakin' serious right now?. That's literally the same thing Chester said. Ella please, wag mo namang gawin sakin to oh." Pagmamakaawa nya.

"I'm sorry but I already made up my mind." Tumalikod nako sa kanya. I tried to wipe my tears without her noticing.

"Ella no. Please, I'm begging you. Wag mo kong iwan. Ella please.." yakap nito sakin. Umiiyak na talaga sya.

"I already promised God that I'd let you go. And I'm not breaking another promise."

Tumuloy na nga ako kina Abby. Sinundo nya ko bandang 6pm.

Habang papunta sa kanila,

"Are you sure you're okay?." Nag-aalalang tanong ni Abby sakin. Tumango lang ako.

"Uhm I hope you don't take this as an insult or something but I was just wondering, are you and Gabb somehow--"

"No."

"Don't worry Ella, I won't judge. I just wanted to know the truth. Kayo ba?."

I sighed deep.

"Not anymore."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be. I knew it all along that it's wrong. I almost convinced myself that it could be right."

"Empty philosophy." Sabi ni Abby.

"What?."

"It's something that sounds good and right but is actually not the truth. I used to have that kind of identity crisis years ago. It was insane."

"Really?. H-how did you deal with it?."

"Prayer. Sa totoo lang sobra din akong nahirapan nun. I couldn't tell anyone. Not a single soul. I was too embarrassed to feel that way so I decided to keep it within myself."

"But your girlfriend, how did she--"

"Hindi naging kami. Turns out she's actually straight and just wanted to experiment. The terrible thing about is that I was like a catalyst for her to conclude that she's into guys after all."

"Did it break you?."

"Yeah. Really bad."

"I see."

"And just like you, I almost convinced myself that it's okay."

"What do you mean?."

"People keep saying that you're born that way that that's just the way you are and you can't change. Well change is hard but not impossible."

"Pano mo naman nasabi?."

"We had a class discussion in Philosophy before about people's identity and personality development. Aristotle said, we are what we repeatedly do. So it means it has nothing to do with being born in a certain way. If you eat healthy food now, that doesn't mean you're healthy. But if you always do then you become one. It's more like a repetitive practice or a habit rather than being programmed to be someone or something for the rest of your life."

"But is homosexuality really a practice?."

"Depends if your definition of it is a feeling or a verb. Alam mo palagi nilang dinadahilan na hindi maling magmahal. Hindi naman ako against dun, it's just that homosexual people usually define love as a feeling."

"What's wrong with love being a feeling?."

"Everything. The Bible taught us that love is a verb. It has to be. I mean how are you supposed to love your enemies if you always depend on your feelings in how you treat them?."

"But isn't that hypocrisy?."

"It's called self denial, self sacrifice. You see, love is when you do something good to someone regardless of what you feel. I'm sure you're pretty familiar with that because that's your dad's favorite quote."

"Yeah. But it only made total sense now. Anyway, proceed."

"Okay, you feel hatred towards someone but that doesn't mean you have to treat them badly. You still have to treat those people with dignity and respect because that's what true love is. If they're hungry, feed them.  If they need shelter, be hospitable. It has nothing to do with what you feel but with what you do. But those who always depend on their feelings are fools."

"But doesn't love make us fools?."

"Do you think God created fools?. I don't think so. We chose to be one. After all God is love. I mean why would a highly intelligent being create fools?. See? That's the thing. People are redefining love. Those who does that leads others to not know God."

So basically, what she's saying is that homosexuality is a practice (for example, sex) predetermined by feelings–commonly mistaken definition of love. The reason why we have to define it right is because it's the only way that leads us to God.