Shattered Promises

thirty nine.

Demi's POV

        My fingers tangled into my hair as I roughly tugged on my roots, tears dripping off of my eyelashes. They were back. The deep voices that were whispering inside of my mind and wouldn't shut up. They were repeating the same words over and over again and it was driving me crazy. 

        "Shut up," I whispered harshly to myself, running my fingers roughly through my hair. My hands rested on the sides of my head, my fingers covering my ears, in an attempt to stop myself from hearing them, but that wasn't going to stop them, and I knew that.

        I knew they'd come back. I'm not fully recovered. There isn't a finish line. Of course I'm going to struggle, and when I struggle, this is usually what happens. 

        "No." I mumbled, a struggled sob fell out of my mouth. 

        Don't cry. You're going to be okay. 

        I pushed myself off of the closed toilet lid and dragged myself over to the sink.

        I held myself up with my hands rested on the counter. I stared at my reflection in the clear mirror. Bloodshot eyes. Puffy cheeks. Puffy eyes. My makeup was staring to run. My hair was knotted from my hands. I looked horrible. 

        The voices filled my mind again. No. I was confident. I wasn't going to listen to it. They were wrong. They always have been.

        "You're beautiful," I told myself, my eyes locking at my own in the mirror. I watched as a tear slipped out of my eye, running slowly down my cheek. I brought up one hand and quickly whipped away the wet water.

        There was something different about tonight. I didn't want to go on stage. The stage was my home. But, this time I actually didn't want to. I didn't want to put a smile on and perform in front of thousands. I was so exhausted. And I have this feeling that I might break down. 

        And yeah maybe it's been like two weeks since the shit happened with Wilmer. But I literally can't get it off my mind. Have you ever trusted someone more than you trust yourself? You tell them all your secrets and you believe that they're going to always be there for you? Then one day, you find out that they're just like how everyone said they were. 

        Wilmer took my heart as his own and I trusted him. I trusted him to take care of it, not let anything happen to it. It lasted a while. I gave him my heart, he gave me his. And then he crushed it. Shattered it into a million pieces. I can't erase the image out of my mind. His lips were attached to a random stranger, I was the only one allowed to kiss him. My lips were for him, but I guess I shared his.

        I covered my face with my hands, my eyes immediately overflowing with tears and landing into my hands. I walked backward, and as soon as my back hit the wall, I slid down it. 

        "God, shut up." I tried again, trying anything to silence the voices. I let out the sobs that I've been holding back for at least twenty minutes now. 

        "I'm okay. I'm perfect. I'm fucking beautiful." My hands rested on the side of my head again. 

        There was a knock on the wooden door of the bathroom. "Hey, Demi? You almost done? You're on in five." 

        Fuck.  

        No. I can't go on. Not like this. I look like shit. 

        "Yeah, I'm just about done." I answered, pushing myself off of the floor. 

        I splashed cold water on my face. 

        My makeup was running. Shit. I need to see Jill. But, what was I suppose to tell her?