Her

: : Part XLV : :

: : Part XLV : :

You walked into her room with a spring in your step. You saw her, standing near the open window, the gentle breeze swirling around her figure—it tasted of summer. When she didn’t hear you close the door, you snuck behind her, and slid your arms around her stomach, pressing your lips against her exposed shoulders and kissed her gently. “Love you, Jellybean.” You whispered against her skin, and then again in her ear.

“Carson,” Sienna whispered, painfully, “what, in God’s name, did you do?” She squirmed out of your grip and turned to face you. You almost wish that she didn’t. Her makeup was running down her face, her eyes, red and puffy, her mascara blobbing underneath them and her cheeks red and swollen and her lipstick uneven and broken off her lips. But her eyes, were dark and glassy, tears free falling and she didn’t even try to stop them from spilling.

“Jellybean? What’s wrong?” You stepped closer to her… she stepped back.

Sienna held out a bunch of pages, and waved it sadly, in defeat. “Don’t call me that, Carson.” She whimpered. “Don’t ever say that to me again.”

“Je-“

Sienna raised a hand and silenced you, and she began to read from the pages in front of her. “Professor, the funny thing about Sienna is that her personality changes almost as much as human bodies converts oxygen to CO2. Her personality is on a constant high, switching to sweet and innocent to murderous and carnivorous in a split moment. Her hormones are constantly rushing around her body, she is still a child.” Sienna stopped reading, and looked up at you. She said nothing, but her eyes told you everything you needed to know.

“Sienna, listen.” You paused waiting for her protests.

“I’m listening.”

“That is taken right out of context.” You explained.

“I don’t think that the context is the problem.”

You stayed silent for a minute. “Where did you get my manuscript?”

“That doesn’t matter, I have it and I read it. You’re a gifted writer.” A tear pooled out of her eye and dripped onto her cheek. “You should send it to your Professor, Professor Collins has the best writing connections in the country, he could get this published for you.”

“Sienna?” You questioned.

“Just change my name okay.” Tears falling, faster now, as if the dam of her eyes broke.

“Sienna?”

“Goodbye, Carson.” She moved towards you, placing your manuscript in your hands. Before she moved away she placed a delicate kiss on your cheek, her lips quivering and her heartbeat racing. The next thing you know, she walked away from you. You still facing the window, and heard the door open. You where still, frozen not knowing what just happened. But the door didn’t close. “Just tell me.” Sienna spoke.

“Tell you what?” You didn’t turn around. You knew what you would see, you didn’t want to see it. You couldn’t handle her heartbroken, you couldn’t handle it being all your fault.

“Did you ever love me? Or was this… were we just a plan for your stupid book?” Her voice breaking. Your voice faltered, your mind screaming. Tell her! But nothing escaped. You were silent. “That’s what I thought.” She muttered, and walked out shutting the door softly behind her.

“Jellybean, no.” You whispered. Your body numb and you through your manuscript across the room and yelled. Before finding the wall and slid down it.

Your mind racing, thoughts coming and going, not lingering for a moment longer than the last. But flowing like a waterfall, one just as toxic as the last.

Player. Heartbreaker. User. Faker. False lover.

You lost her.

A knock came from the door. You looked up, Benson. You looked back at your hands, you never knew how interesting they were. But they betrayed you, they betrayed her. Sienna would be with you if you didn’t write down that stupid manuscript. Those hands were the problem.

“Cars…” Benson spoke from next to you, he sat down leaning on the wall close to you. “You probably don’t want to talk about this. But it’s been a few hours since-“ Benson broke off, you looked over to him. “Avery took Sienna back to the University. She left, mate.” You nod. Silence. “Why did she leave? What happened?”

“I never should’ve given Alex a reason to trust me.”

“Carson…”

“No friendship, nothing to hide. If I never became friends with Alex she wouldn’t’ve been forbidden and I wouldn’t’ve fallen for her. This is all my fault.”

“No it’s not.”

“You don’t even know.” You tried to yell, but your voice just broke.

“Cars, I get it.” Benson looked over towards the manuscript. “She read your work?” You were silent, he understood. “Look, she just needs time. She’ll come round, she did last time.”

“This is different.”

“No it’s not. She will come round.” Benson smiled softly at you. “You love her Carson, nothing will change that.”

“What if she doesn’t?”

“What if doesn’t apply here.”

“But, what if in five years I still feel like this? What if in five years this feeling of pain, of nothing, of everything, doesn’t leave? What if I can’t forget her voice or her laugher, or worse if I do forget? What then?”

“We will cross that bridge when we get there, okay buddy.” Benson wrapped an arm around you. “Right now, I need my best friend.”

And you wish that you could say that you took that moment like a man that you acted like a respectable male. But you can’t say that. You cried. You cried with Benson comforting you and shortly Avery. They held you. They held you while you cried like a child that has no toys or candy. You cried like you didn’t know what tears where. You cried knowing that Sienna was doing the exact same thing, kilometres away from you.

And you kept thinking one thing:

She wasn’t perfect, she was the furthest thing from perfect. But you loved her so much, so fiercely. That it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter to you what she was. She was yours and that’s all that counted.