Her

: : Part I : :

: : Part I : :

Carson, that’s your name. You hate it. You always have, but when she says it…it is enough to make your knees weak, it just feels right. Every consonant, every vowel makes sense. She makes you make sense, she makes you want to be better.

Sienna, that’s her name. You love it. You always have. Every syllable, every sound is poetic. It is the name in which you will always measure beauty. Everyone is either Sienna or not.

Saying all this, you sound like a creep. Like some love sick teenager with no life. But you aren’t. You have a life, just one with a girl who you love. And who loves you, but just not in the same way. She loves you like she always has; like a brother. But that doesn’t surprise you, why should it? You are her brother best friend after all.

But despite this, you love her anyway. It isn’t something that you can fall out of. Loving Sienna isn’t a choice, you are thrown into it, you fell in love with her and now you are sinking; falling deeper into her. Everything she does makes your knees weak, your palms sweaty and your breath uneven.

Although you have tried to let her go. God, have you tried. But you can’t…or you won’t you can’t decide which.

Maybe it is best that you let her go. She deserves more than you. She deserves a doctor or a lawyer, someone with a stable job. Someone who brings in good money into the house. What are you? A crummy writer, you have a scholarship and are half way through your English degree. You are trying to become a writer, you want to write something that matters, you want to be remembered. You want to be more than the sum of your parts. You want to be important.

She wants to be a child psychologist. You always said that she would be amazing at that. She would be amazing at anything. She’s amazing full stop. She will be important, she already is. But she will be more important. More important than a writer who only imagines success, and never achieves it. That is what you are, less important than a child psychologist.

That day, all these thoughts raced through your mind. You remembered all the moments that made you feel more and more pathetic. You were sitting outside of the campus’s coffee shop. The day was just starting and you were watching a few stragglers who were just arriving on campus for the start of the year.

Sienna. You thought, she would be starting university this year, you just don’t know where. You haven’t seen her since New Year’s Eve the previous year. You missed her, although it has been a little over a month since you have seen her. You are trying to figure out how to live without her. So far there has been no success.

You think about her all the time, sometimes you have hallucinations of her. She might be studying by a tree, or walking to class laughing with her friend. A smile passes on your face, Your Sienna. There she was. Walking towards you, wearing the white lacy dress that she loves, you hate it when she wears that dress. It makes you want to kiss her even more, and you know one day you will lose control and kiss her like she deserves. You shake your head trying to remove that image of her, but she wasn’t leaving. She was here, in real life. You just sit there entranced by her; her long blonde hair hung in loose waves brushed along with the gentle breeze. Her blue eyes pierced into you and your soul. Her gaze was so intense, it almost hurt. “Hello, Carson.” She whispered.