falling, fallen | a. hotchner

dear aaron,

dear aaron,

four years ago i was different than what i am now. i was young, naive, unaware of the dangers the world can bring. i thought i was still like that. but then you came along. and you became the most dangerous thing i knew.

i could see it in your eyes, those dark swirls that i have often likened to an infinite obsidian abyss, staring straight into my soul. but that was what drew me to you-the danger. it made me want to explore every single inch of you, no matter the consequences, and there were many.

it started with an innocent glance at your serious face. a giggle here, a smile there. anything to keep your eyes on me. you see, initially, i loved the attention. but as it went on, it became something more. the attention you gave me turned to desire, and my want for your attention turned into a want for you.

and i wanted you, every second of every minute of every hour of every day. and pretty soon, you wanted me the same amount too. but that's the thing with growing desire-it's hard to ignore. you could try as hard as you wanted, but we'd always end up in the sheets together in the middle of the night. that's just how it went.

we were content with that for a long time. hi in the evening, a polite conversation. then sneaking away to the library, you pressing me up against the bookshelves, kissing me like it was our last day on this godforsaken earth.

contentment. it only lasts so long though. but you don't realize when it runs out-it kind of just hits you. like a train, if i'm being honest.

we found ourselves wanting more, needing more to sustain what we already knew was building up. wanting more than just sensual kisses and needy touches, something far beyond the physical aspect of us.

and so we found exactly what we wanted hidden in innocent touches and late night conversations. in learning your favorite colour and your favorite food and your favorite song. because i know it's not all the physical things that made me fall for you. no, it was so much more than that.

i can't remember the moment i realized i had fallen for you. it's not that i can't remember the exact moment, no, i physically cannot remember. all i know is that i woke up one morning and my heart beat a little faster at the thought of you.

did you know that falling in love is so arbitrarily metaphorical? it's a feeling. i often wonder how a feeling can dominate our lives so completely-yet i know that it already has in mine.

so, i am not falling in love with you. i have already fallen for you. and it scares the ever loving shit out of me to tell you that.

i love you. like the moon loves the sea, and fire loves oxygen. i love you. but i can't see a way for us to work, so i have to leave you, no matter how much it pains me to do so.

love,
mia