Back to you - Hotchniss

the one that got away

As soon as Emily unlocked the door to her new apartment, it all broke down in her. The memories, the feelings, the conversations - just everything.

During the past year, she had zipped herself up, tried to forget about her feelings or anything else that was connected to him - but in that moment she knew that it had all been a facade and that she had been lying to herself.

The apartment seemed empty to her, though it was already furnished. It was lacking any personal objects, like photos or books, but she didn't plan on putting anything up apart from her Kurt Vonnegut books. She was never a person to print many photos, there had only been a few in the past few years, and they had mainly showed Aaron and her. After their break-up, she had forced herself to take them down and ever since, they were all safely stored in a box, which she had never opened again.

She had brought that box to Quantico, as well. There had been a part of her that had suggested to leave it in London or to throw it away - but there was a huge part in her that still hadn't gotten over the whole situation, so she had taken it with her.

Placing the groceries she had gotten on her way home on the counter, Emily made her way over to the few boxes that were standing in the middle of the hallway. Within an hour, everything was unpacked; her clothes were in the closet, the books were placed on the shelf in her bedroom, the food in the refrigerator and her drugstore products in the bathroom.

"So far, so good", she sighed and opened a bottle of wine, trying to wash her thoughts away with alcohol. She couldn't deny that she missed Aaron horribly. Yes, they had just talked to each other a few hours ago, but he still seemed so far away to her. He was, obviously, and she knew that he wouldn't let her close again.

And, again, she couldn't blame him for that.

JJ and Penelope had invited her on a girls night out, celebrating that she was back, but Emily had declined, telling them that she was still suffering from a jet lag. That had been a lie, of course, she hadn't slept a lot in the previous year, so she didn't need a lot of sleep then neither.

However, she had just not been in the mood to go out. It would've probably just ended in her getting ridiculously drunk and calling Aaron around 3 am, telling him about her true feelings - and there was no way she would get herself into this danger.

Emily was sure that her friends knew why she had declined, they were profilers and knew her the best, after all. They had suffered with her throughout the whole break-up and patched her up as well as possible, even though it was just through the phone or via FaceTime. But that was what friends were for, right?

"How are you doing?", Rossi asked as he closed the door to Hotch's office behind him. It was getting late and all the other team members had headed home, none of them daring to talk to their Unit Chief.

Rossi didn't mind though, Hotch was his best friend and even he sometimes needed someone to talk to.

"Fine", Hotch replied, not looking up to meet his eyes.

"And how are you really doing?", Dave rolled his eyes.

"What do you want?", the other sighed, already annoyed.

"I want to know how you are doing, as your ex-fiancée just returned today."

This made the Unit Chief finally look up. He furrowed his eyebrows, trying to shut out the thought of Emily, just like he had been trying to all day. "I'm fine", he repeated through gritted teeth.

"Not trying to be rude, but you remember that I'm a profiler, too, right?", his best friend replied and sat down in front of his desk. "A really good one."

Hotch let out a sigh and leaned back in his chair. "Then I guess you can figure it out without asking me about it."

"I can", Rossi shrugged. "I was just trying to give you a chance to do it yourself, but just correct me if I'm wrong: you're not over her. You never were."

It took Hotch a few seconds to answer. "Even if you were right with this assumption, it wouldn't matter. End of story."

"So you don't think that the story might continue, now, that she's back?"

"Why would it?"

"Because you two belong to each other", Rossi said. "And just because you assclowns weren't able to work it out on long distance, doesn't mean that you cannot work it out again, here in Quantico."

"No", Hotch simply stated. "We should all let go of the illusion that it could have been any different and I'd appreciate if you do so, too."

There was no way he would ever get into such a vulnerable situation again. All he had ever wanted back then was Emily, he had wanted her and - yes - he had cried for her, as well as he had hated her because he would've chosen her, no matter what, and she had taken that away from him the moment she had broken up with him.

When he had looked her in the eyes that day, after she had walked into his office, he had seen a stranger in her eyes, where once he had seen a soulmate and it had broken him. There had been so many things that he wanted to ask and to tell her, but as soon as she stood in front of him, there was nothing he was able to say. The reason for that was his lack of trust; she had left him, making him feel like he failed.

Hotch knew that he hadn't loved her right, too, in the last months of their relationship and that he was to blame for the break-up, too. However, he didn't know whether he would ever be able to forgive her for giving up on them; for giving up on him.

And until he had figured that out, he would remain silent. However, there was nothing louder than the silence between two people who used to love each other.