Back to you - Hotchniss

put my mind at ease

"I didn't", Emily stated. "Maybe in the beginning, but don't you dare tell me that you were happy in the last months of our relationship."

Hotch's words had gotten to her, and she gave her best to not let them come close to her heart again.

"It weren't our best times-"

"We only fought."

"Yea, but every relationship has rough phases", he said, avoiding to look into her eyes. "They are a part of everything."

"This phase went on for months", Emily replied, her voice rather low, yet very clear. "It wasn't just a phase anymore."

Hotch didn't reply. He saw her point, however, he had always believed that they would manage to get past their fights one day.

"Whatever", she then whispered, as he remained silent. "What's the point in talking about it anyways."

"We've never talked about it", he sighed. "Maybe now is the perfect time."

"I doubt that", Emily replied, turning her head again so she could keep an eye on the snow.

"Why not?"

"Because there will never be the 'perfect time' to discuss why our relationship ended", she sighed. "The fact is that it ended; there is no way in changing that. It's done, there's no need to talk about it."

The truth was that the more she talked about it, the more she doubted the decision she had made and the more it hurt.

"Do you regret it?", he then asked.

"Regret what?"

"Us."

Emily let out a sarcastic scoff. "God, Aaron", she sighed, the sadness in her voice taking over. "Just because we didn't make it as far as I hoped we would, doesn't mean that you weren't the best thing that has ever happened to me."

"Then why did you give up?", he was determined to know. It would probably be his only chance, as she couldn't leave, even if she wanted to.

"I just figured that there was no reason for us to continue", she admitted. "I didn't see how it possibly could've gotten better again."

"You ran out of reasons?"

"I ran out of patience."

Her words hovered in the air, both of them unable to say another word. It hit Hotch again, all the thoughts, the fears - and the love he had felt for her. The pain in him increased as he realized that he hadn't given her enough reasons to fight for their relationship. Maybe it had actually been his fault, after all.

"I'm sorry", he then said.

"Why should you be sorry?", Emily shot him a confused look.

"Because I didn't give you enough."

"It was more than enough", she said, trying to keep her voice calm.

"Stop saying that", he furrowed his eyebrows. "We both know that it wasn't."

Silence filled he room again, both of them staring at the ground. Emily could hear him breathe in a steady rhythm. The ring had grown very cold against her bare skin, well hidden under her black turtle neck. She hadn't even managed to take it off after Aaron had seen it.

"It doesn't matter now, anyways", she repeated her words from the beginning of the conversation. "You found someone new, and you should probably focus on her."

Hotch just nodded slightly, wondering why she would talk about Beth all of the sudden. He had met her while jogging one day, and they had been on a few dates ever since. They talked on the phone sometimes when he was on a case, and he had honestly no idea what he was trying to prove himself by dating this woman. They had slept together once, and as it had taken him every inch of control to not say Emily's name, he had avoided sex with Beth ever since, using cases and fatigue as excuse. He knew that this wasn't fair for Beth, but he just couldn't help it.

"The snow is decreasing", Emily suddenly interrupted his thoughts. "I guess we can get going soon."

Again, he just nodded, keeping his eyes on her this time. He took in every detail of her features, and he once again realized how beautiful she was.

Later that night, after they had finally been able to drive back from the cabin, they immediately headed to their hotel. It was close to midnight, and both of them were really worn out.

After their conversation in the cabin, they hadn't spoken a lot apart from a few sentences about the case, leaving both of them to their thoughts.

Hotch threw his jacket on his bad rather carelessly and loosened his tie on his way to the bathroom. His mind was spinning, and all he could think about was Emily. Since he had discovered the engagement ring around her neck, and since she had admitted that she wasn't able to let their past go that easily, he was wondering if she still had some kind of feelings for him. If she had, would she consider giving them another try?

Internally, he face-palmed himself for this thought. No, she definitely wouldn't - she left him, after all - and even if she did; would he be able to trust her again?

At this point he wasn't even trying to ignore the fact that he still had feelings for her; he had figured that it would be okay as long as it stayed between he and himself. Nobody would know.

As a text from Beth popped up on the lock screen of his phone, he let out a sigh. He was an asshole, a broken asshole, no doubts, but it was like he didn't want to heal from the brokenness Emily had left him in.

Sometimes people don't want to heal because the pain is the last connection they have to what they've lost - and he was no exception. But maybe he needed to accept the ending of their relationship in order to fully commit to something new?