Back to you - Hotchniss

feeling human

"All this, just to feel human", Emily sighed in disbelief as they packed their things up from their previous case in Montana. This had been what their Unsub had as an explanation for why she had committed all these murders.

A week had passed since their night out in bar, and something had changed between her and Aaron. Neither of them could exactly define what it was and how it had happened, however, after he had brought her home that night, it seemed like a part of the barrier between them had been removed. Ever since, they got along much better - which didn't go unrecognized by the team.

"Three weeks", Morgan had said once, as Emily and Hotch hadn't been in the room. "I give them three weeks, then something is going to happen the latest."

"Nah", Rossi had shaken his head. "I believe they are already going at it, behind our backs."

"I don't think Hotch would jump into a commitment with her that quickly again", Reid had stated.

"Dude", Morgan had laughed. "Have you seen this woman? If she wanted to, she would have him wrapped around her finger within a second."

"Besides, sleeping with a person is not directly a commitment", Rossi had added.

"How about we just let them be and be happy for them?", JJ had intervened. "It's their privacy, we should just be happy that they are getting along again. We all know that it wasn't easy for them to reunite at work."

Of course JJ was just as curious as the rest of the team, but they all had decided to not let their thoughts slip, as this would lead to very, very uncomfortable situations with Emily and Hotch if they ever found out.

"Well", Morgan sighed as he unpinned the photos from the board. "Everyone has different ways to feel human."

"How do you feel human?", Emily asked and closed the box in front of her.

"At the gym", he shrugged. "At the shooting range, on the dance floor, at work. Many different scenarios."

"I feel human when I am with Will and the kids", JJ joined the conversation. "I don't know why. What about you, Spence?"

"I always feel human", Reid stated, slightly confused. "How can I not? I am human, after all."

"Are you though?", Emily laughed, but Morgan was curious: "Come on, Kiddo, there has to be something that just makes you feel?"

"Feel what?", Reid asked back.

Neither of them knew how to explain it to him, so they just left it there. "Hey princess, how about you?", Morgan then asked.

"Um, I don't know", Emily rambled, realizing that she had more or less lived her live passively or in a stand-by-mode in the past year. "Work, I guess."

This was only part true; yes, her work made her feel something, but in fact, she had lost the only thing that made her feel human 24/7 about a while ago.

"Everyone ready to head back to the hotel?", Hotch suddenly rushed into the room and they all nodded.

"Hey Hotch", Reid turned to him. "When do you feel human?"

Immediately, the Unit Chief's eyes jumped to Emily, but then he quickly looked back to Reid again. "I am human so I always feel human", he then simply stated and turned around again, the others following him.

In a matter of fact, that had also been a lie and it had probably obvious to everyone. Like Spencer, Hotch was not a huge fan of emotions and preferred to not let anything close to him. Everything that he had ever let close to him had left or hurt him in the end.

"Don't worry, I lied about my ways to feel human, too", Emily said as she climbed in Hotch's SUV, in order to drive back to their hotel.

"I didn't lie", Hotch replied and started the engine.

"Are we really going to discuss this one?", she asked and he just let out a sigh. "Didn't think so", she smiled and leaned back.

They remained silent for a while, both keeping their eyes on the road. However, the topic just wouldn't leave their minds.

"If I'm being honest, I haven't felt human in quite a while", Emily then silently admitted, as she felt like Hotch was the only person she could trust with this. "It's just something I don't even recognize, I only realize in situations like today, when someone asks about it."

"I know", Hotch replied. "I feel the same way."

"I used to believe that this was because of our jobs", she continued. "That we have to turn off our humanity in some sort of way in order to make it through the day - but all the others seem to have their ways to feel human anyways."

"Which makes them more vulnerable", Hotch countered.

"I know", Emily sighed. "I just wished I could feel human more often again."

Her words hovered in the air, both of them knowing that the other had been their reason to feel human, until they had broken up.

Whenever he had been with Emily, Hotch had felt different; it had been as if she had been bringing him down to earth and switched on his emotions, which he had always tried to ignore. She had given him a feeling that nothing in this world would ever be able to give him - and in that moment, he realized how much he actually missed this feeling.

All of them arrived at the lobby at the same time, and Hotch quickly spoke up: "I suppose we all get some sleep, we're leaving tomorrow at 7 am."

They all nodded and waved their goodbyes before walking away. It was around 10.30 pm, and usually they would share some drinks at the hotel bar, but neither of them was in the mood to do so. Reid and Rossi stayed in the lobby to play some chess, but all the others left to their rooms.

As soon as Hotch had unlocked his room, he loosened his tie and got rid of his jacket. After he had poured himself a glass of scotch, he thought about what Emily had said in the car and wondered if she had meant it in the way he had actually understood it. Had she also only felt human when she had been with him?

It was about an hour later, and he had already taken a shower and packed up the few things which he had unpacked in the past days, as he heard a soft knock on the door. In some weird way, it didn't even surprise him to find Emily in front of it, wearing a plain, white T-Shirt and grey joggers. He recognized the look on her eyes, and immediately, his pupils darkened as well.

"I - I really need to feel human again", she stuttered in a silent voice.

"Me too", his voice was dangerously low, and the next thing he registered was how she urged forward and kissed him passionately; and how he pulled her closer by the waist before kicking the door shut with his foot.

We cannot despair of humanity, since we ourselves are human beings - Albert Einstein