Back to you - Hotchniss

hold back the river

Emily felt Hotch's dark glare on her as she laughed with JJ and Reid, but she chose to ignore it. Eventually, she had accepted Rossi's invitation and had joined the team for a pasta night. Who knew; maybe this would be her last pasta night with the team, now, that the offer from Interpol had finally arrived, and she wanted to make the best out of it.

She knew that it was wrong to lie to Hotch, but she would never in a million years tell him that she had wanted Interpol to reach out for her. He would never understand.

And it was probably true, as Hotch had spent every second of the day trying to figure out why she would want to leave again. He was angry, of course - he had expected her to at least be honest about it. However, it was mostly sadness and pain that were shooting through his veins, as he didn't want to have to let her go again.

It just didn't make sense to him.

"This is still - by far - the best pasta in the whole world", Penelope sighed happily as she put her dishes aside. "And you are an Italian God!"

"Yea, I really missed your pasta, too", Emily smiled. "I cannot believe that this is the first time you've made it since I came back!"

"Well, I wouldn't mind to have you all over at least once a week", Dave laughed. "But I guess we're a bit too busy for that."

"We should still do it more often!", JJ argued and Derek and Spencer nodded in agreement.

"We'll keep that in mind", Dave laughed and they all started to clean up.

Emily's smile slowly faded as she progressed the words they had just exchanged, knowing that she would probably not be a part of it anymore soon. She still had to accept the offer, but for Clyde it was already sure that she would come back - after all, she had requested the offer herself.

"Didn't work out that well with the ex-fiancé, I suppose?", he had asked almost amusedly after Emily had called him about a week ago.

"Shut up", she had just said. "It's not that and it doesn't even matter why I want to come back. So, what do you say?"

"Honestly, I cannot wait for you to be my partner again", he had chuckled. "All the others are losers."

"I bet they're saying the same about you", she had grinned and in that moment, she had started to slowly make peace with the fact that she had leave the BAU again. Maybe it was for the best.

Later that night, Emily found herself outside with a glass of red wine after excusing herself for a second in order to get some fresh air. She watched the others with a genuine smile on her face, as they place head's up in Rossi's living room. Her heart was aching for them, but she had so ignore it.

"Watching from a safe distance?", Hotch suddenly entered the yard. Immediately, she tensed up and her grip around her glass tightened.

"Yea", she just replied as she stood next to her and watched the others, too.

"Have you told anyone of them about Interpol's offer yet?", he then asked.

"No", Emily replied in almost a whisper. "Why tell them about something that I'm not even sure about?"

"You're not sure about it?", he arched an eyebrow, but remained calm.

"No", she shook her head. "This isn't something-"

"One decides that quickly, I know", he interrupted her, which made Emily finally raise her head and look at him. Something was odd about his behavior, and even though he didn't show it, she knew that he was mad about something.

"Are you okay?", she asked almost carefully.

"Sure", he sighed. "Just trying to make sense of a few things."

"Tell me about it."

Hotch stayed silent for a while, figuring how he should put it. "Why do people lie?", he then asked.

"Is that a serious question?", Emily asked back, almost amused. "You're an FBI Agent and you're asking me why people lie?"

"I mean people close to us, like friends", he added.

Emily swallowed thickly, before replying: "Because they are scared or ashamed?"

"But why don't they trust their friends?"

"Well, do you?", she raised her eyebrows. He had to give her that point; he would never talk openly to his closest people without having thought about it in detail beforehand.

"Hey you two, come back in here!", Derek suddenly yelled and Emily almost sighed in relief as they joined the team in the living room, leaving that awkward conversation behind.

After Hotch, JJ and Reid had already left, Emily decided that it was time for her to depart, too. She thanked Dave for the awesome pasta and waved them all good-night, before quickly walking down the street to her car.

As she discovered Hotch waiting next to it, she immediately slowed down.

"What are you doing?", she asked him, a mixture of confusion and fright filling her voice. "Are you drunk?"

"I haven't drunken any alcohol all night", he replied in a rather cold voice.

"Okay, and how can I help you?", she asked again, the keys to her car already in her left hand. "Is everything alright?"

"Look, I've been trying to figure it out, but I just cannot wrap my mind around it", he sighed. "Why would you want to leave the BAU again?"

"Um, well, they offered me a great position and who knows whether I'll get that chance again?", Emily tried to explain. "Maybe the timing's not the best, but..."

"The timing?", Hotch asked.

"Yea."

"Remember when I told you earlier that I don't understand why people lie to their friends?"

"Sure", she sighed, not seeing where this was going.

"I was talking about you", he admitted and Emily's facial expressions dropped. "I know that you asked Interpol to offer you a position, Emily."

"That's not true -"

"I talked to Strauss, who had talked to Clyde", he quickly added. "So, why? Why do you want to leave again? And why do you want to make it look like it wasn't your own choice?"

"It doesn't matter", she said and looked down at her feet in order to hide the tears that were slowly filling her eyes.

"It does to me", he replied, his eyes still fixed on her.

"No, it doesn't", she sighed. "And I cannot tell you."

"Don't you think that after all that has happened I deserve to know?", Hotch exclaimed, slight anger rising in his voice.

"No, because my life does not concern you anymore", Emily almost yelled back, louder than she had intended to.

"Don't act like nothing connects us anymore, we've talked about this often enough", he retorted. "So, I'm begging you, please tell me-"

"I can't work with you anymore", she then stated and suddenly, everything around them fell silent. "I can't go day by day, watching you with Beth. I just can't."

"But - but you ended it?", Hotch's voice was now almost a whisper. "Twice - you were the one who walked out on us? I don't understand - this was what you wanted after all!"

"I know! God, I fucked up, Aaron", Emily exclaimed, her emotions finally breaking her. "I fucked up, I made a mistake, okay? Is that what you want to hear? That I finally admit it?! I fucked up, and I am perfectly aware of that and all I am asking for now is to go back to London, so that I can finally find my happiness again, just like you did!"