Back to you - Hotchniss

to love from a distance

Sadly, even in the new year, a lot of work was already waiting for the team of the BAU. Though it was - luckily - only paperwork for now, it wore them out; especially since most of them had consumed quite an amount of alcohol the night before.

"Hey", JJ smiled at Emily, as they met at the coffee machine. "How's it going?"

"This day seems like it's never going to end", the brunette rolled her eyes. "How about you? Any cases on the way?"

"Luckily not", JJ replied and grabbed a cup from the shelf. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure", Emily raised her eyebrows in confusion. "I guess I don't even have a choice."

The blonde chuckled before saying: "Why don't you tell him that you still love him?"

Whatever Emily had expected, this question was far away from it. She felt how her heart dropped as she gave her best to keep a straight face, considering what she could answer to escape this situation.

"I - what are you talking about?"

"Don't do this", JJ smiled. "Don't play clueless. I saw it last night, everybody did - and we all do, day for day, no matter how hard you try to hide it."

"You're being delusional."

"And you're being a coward", the blonde sighed. "Look - I know it's none of my business, but I see how much the two of you suffer without the other. You were so good together, Emily!"

"Even if you were right", Emily sighed and let her gaze drop to the cup of coffee in her hand. "I can't risk hurting him again. It was hard enough the last time, and besides - I doubt that he would ever take me back."

"He would", JJ nodded. "Within a heartbeat."

"That would still not make it right", the other replied. "What if we fall back to how we used to be; what if we fight all the time again? That wouldn't only make it awful for us, but also for the whole team and it would influence our work, too."

"I feel like you're only considering the phase where you fought a lot", JJ said. "You've been together for years, and all you talk about are the last few months where it went downhill because you were separated from each other. You're not in London anymore, so why don't you start thinking about the years before, about how happy you were and how well you two worked together?"

Emily swallowed thickly and didn't reply. She knew that JJ was probably right, but the last months of her relationship with Aaron had scarred her - and him definitely too - a lot, and they were hanging over her memories of their whole relationship like a dark, heavy cloud.

"I know that you just want the best for him", her best friend smiled. "But I've come to the conclusion that the best for him is actually you."

A small smile formed on Emily's lips, but in quickly faded again. "I ruined it."

"Come on, that was over a year ago."

"No, I actually ruined it a few weeks ago", she silently admitted and JJ raised her eyebrows questioningly.

Emily had sworn herself to never tell anyone about it, but JJ had pushed her to a point where she felt like denial was senseless.

"We've gotten closer again, towards the end of the year", she explained, hoping that JJ would understand what exactly she meant. "And when he asked what we were, I told him that it wasn't going anywhere. I was just so scared."

"Talk to him about it", the blonde smiled, as she had already suspected that Emily had been lying the last time they had talked about Hotch and her. "He'll understand."

"I don't think that's a good idea", Emily sighed. "He deserves peace, and I bring nothing but chaos in his life."

"You don't", JJ shook her head. "During the time that you two were together, he was the happiest I have ever seen him, trust me."

"I'll think about", Emily then nodded, trying to end this conversation.

"Good", the other smiled and they made their way back to the bullpen.

Suddenly, both of them froze as they discovered no other than Beth walking up the stairs to Hotch's office, carrying a bag of take-out food with her.

"Is that -", JJ began, but stopped as the question was rather unnecessary. "I thought that they were over since that night at the bar!"

Letting out a defeated sigh, Emily just shrugged: "Sometimes people get second chances."

She forced herself to take her eyes off the door to Hotch's office, through which Beth had just disappeared. Placing the cup of coffee on her desk, she sat down and opened the next file, giving her best to distract herself, though a thousand questions were on her mind.

It hadn't been 24 hours since he had said that he hadn't found someone new since this thing between them had ended - and now there was Beth, showing up at his office, bringing him something to eat.

Maybe Beth wasn't someone 'new', as they had already sort of dated before, but why hadn't he brought her to JJ's party?

Way too many questions were pouring down at Emily like a tough, loud rain, making her wish that she would get a break from it - just like when she would drive through the rain and passed under a bridge, making everything going peaceful and silent for the matter of a second until the rain would hit the glass even harder than before. But there was no peaceful break incoming for her, because he had been her bridge.

Just a few minutes ago, Emily had actually considered to talk to him again and to tell him why she had pushed him away last month, but in that exact moment, she felt like it was just another sign for her to just let him be and love him from a distance.