Back to you - Hotchniss

more than you know

"I'm so sorry", she then whispered. "But I don't know."

"You don't know?", Hotch asked back, his heart racing in his chest.

"Well, do you?", Emily felt slightly offended.

"Er - I", he began, but he stopped. It seemed like any words had been washed off his mind, and there was nothing left but doubt. "No."

"See?", she asked dryly. "This is why I didn't want to have any conversation about it. Reality's catching up with us."

"Why did you show up in front of my hotel room that night?", Hotch then asked, trying to make sense of the whole situation. "Why did you come over?"

"I told you", she replied. "I wanted to feel human again."

"So you used this? Us?"

"Oh, don't do this, Aaron", Emily snapped. "Don't accuse me of using you, we both know that you wanted it too - and after all, you showed up here last night!"

"You're right, I'm sorry", he immediately said, understanding that this had been an insensitive comment.

"Don't you see that it is happening again?", she then sighed. "We're arguing, we always do as soon as things get real."

"That's not true."

Emily let out a scoff: "It is. The past four days, we were living in some sort of bubble, and now that you asked about it, reality fucks up everything."

"Now you're making it sound like it's my fault", he sighed.

"Let's - let's just stop talking about this, it's only going to get worse", Emily said and closed her eyes for a brief second.

"Em, you know how much you still mean to me", Hotch then whispered.

"And you still mean the world to me", she sighed. "But it's obviously not working. However, it seems like we are too old for this 'just sex' thing, as well."

Before he could speak up, she added: "You should really get going, we're going to be late."

Defeated, Hotch grabbed his jacket and slowly walked over to her door. Before opening it, he turned around once more: "What's going to happen next?"

"Nothing", she sighed. "I think whatever this was has just ended."

He wanted to yell; he wanted to complain and to tell her that he had done nothing but wanting her back in the past two years, but he remained silent. There was a storm raging inside him, but he stayed collected on the outside. Giving her nothing but a nod, he left the room.

As soon as the door fell into the lock, Emily gasped for air. What had she done? Why was she like this?

It was like a cursed game; whenever he took a step forward, she stepped back. During the past few weeks, there had been nothing she had wanted more than being close to him again - and she had succeeded quicker than she had intended to.

Nevertheless, there was still this wicked part in her that knew that he just deserved better and that their relationship would probably end as painful as it already did once.

When she had made the decision to go back to the BAU, she had sworn herself to not let anything between them ever happen again, as she had already known that it would go down in flames. And now there she was; standing in these damned flames.

Emily didn't know when she had turned into a person that didn't begrudge herself any kind of happiness, but no matter how hard she tried, the doubts and the over-thinking would always catch up with her. It hadn't always been like this - for many years, she had been endlessly happy in her relationship with Aaron, but her move to London had changed everything.

When the team returned back to Quantico, she felt like someone had hit her with her truck; she was beyond exhausted. This time, it wasn't because of the case, but rather of the sleepless nights and the avoiding of Hotch during the day. Little did she know that he was just as worn out by the situation as she was.

"I can't believe you told her the truth", Garcia gasped after JJ had told her about her conversation with Emily during the case.

"Lying was senseless", the other shrugged. "But I have no idea what's going on. While we were in Indiana, their behavior changed completely; they wouldn't even look at each other anymore."

"Maybe they're trying to hide it even more, now that they know that we suspect something", the technical analyst suggested.

"I don't know, but there's nothing we can do but wait", JJ replied.

"Hey, how about you ask them to bring a date to your new year's party?", Garcia squealed.

"And then what?"

"We'll see what happens."

"They won't come as each other's date", JJ chuckled. "They would never do that!"

"No, but they reactions to the question might enlighten the whole situation", Garcia sighed.

"Okay, I'll give it a try", the blonde nodded and left the technical analyst to herself, wondering when they had turned into these nosy friends who needed to know anything. At least they hadn't told anything of their new information to the rest of the team - Morgan would've gone crazy if he had found out that Hotch stayed at Emily's place once.

"Hey you", JJ greeted Emily, who was just packing her bag as she had finished her paper work. She looked exhausted, the concealer under her eyes did not exactly do its work and the cup of coffee on her desk was empty already.

"Hey", the brunette replied in a rather cold voice, wanting nothing but going home and cry.

"I just wanted to let you know that you can bring a date to the New Year's Eve Party next week."

"A date?", Emily asked in confusion. The last thing she had thought about was bringing a date to this party - to be honest, she had even forgotten about the party in the first place.

"Yea", JJ nodded.

"Is anyone else brining one?"

"I don't know, I was just about to tell everyone", the blonde replied and Emily immediately furrowed her eyebrows at the thought of Hotch bringing another woman to this event. He wouldn't, would he? It wasn't like he was seeing anyone at that time, given the fact that he had somehow slept with her until a few days ago. However, the image got stuck on her head and she felt the toxicity in her rising again. If he could bring someone, she would be able to do so, too.

"You know what", she then forced herself to smile. "Maybe I'll bring someone."