60 days of learning love ✔️

Part 18

Noah POV

(T.W. Depression and abuse.)

I get why Olivia said that, and she did have a point. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt any less. After yesterday, Tyler became more than just a person that I thought looked good, he became a full blown crush and a friend. I don't know how I'm going to ignore that.

I never told Olivia about what happened yesterday, I wanted to keep it between me and Tyler. As if it was some forbidden secret. I felt like I was in my own Romeo and Juliet story. Well, it was nice while it lasted.

I have to stay focused on my relationship with Olivia, and whatever I'm feeling for Tyler has to stop. I need to erase his handsome face that shouldn't even be allowed to exist, his beautiful emerald eyes that mesmerise me, his dark curly hair that falls messily on head yet still manages to make him look perfect, his laugh that allows butterflies to erupt in my stomach, the way he smiles, the way his eyes light up, his honesty, the way he cares for me, I just have to forget it all. Fuck. This is going to hurt.

I stepped out of my car and made my way into my house, immediately making my way to my room soon after.

After chucking myself on my bed, I grabbed my phone and earphones and started to blast music into my ears. It's a good way to block out the thoughts of someone, or to block out all thoughts entirely. I've had to use this method of blocking thoughts and sounds too often in the 17 years I've been alive for. And there's only one song I want to hear right now, the song that allows me to block out the most.

I play heat waves by Glass Animals.

And yes, I'm playing it on repeat.

The music blasting in my ears instantly calms me down and makes me feel somewhat lighter. I'm not very good at explaining my feelings, but music helps me understand them. Sometimes.

Right now I'm not sure what I feel. I'm angry, sad, disappointed, excited, hopeful and relieved. I just want to be able to understand why, I get why I'm angry but why am I relieved too? Usually songs help me, but this time, they ain't doing shit.

At least they're kind of calming me down. I'm able to block out the world and that's a positive. I close my eyes and let the music take me away, I don't care where I go, I just don't want to be here anymore.

~~~

I ended up falling asleep for around 2 hours, I would have checked for messages from Olivia but my phone was dead.

I wiped my tired eyes and sank further into the sheets, I was exhausted. I don't know why I was exhausted, maybe I should have finished that coffee. And maybe I shouldn't have left Olivia on her own, since she probably had to walk back.

I feel like such a horrible person right now. Sleep did me no good.

I was torn away from my thoughts when a loud banging sound came from my door. Someone was hitting their fist repeatedly on the other side, and I could guess who.

I instinctively stood up and went to the furthest corner of my room, as if it would hide me. I brought my hands close to my chest as I took deep breaths in and out.

More banging sounds came, making the hairs on my neck stand to attention.

"NOAH! YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT! OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR!"

My breath was caught in my throat and I couldn't move. I felt like a fly trapped in the web, waiting for the spider.

More loud bangs came from the door, and as each bang echoed against my mind, my heartbeat was getting louder and louder. I closed my eyes to try and get a grip on reality, to see if I could just move, but I couldn't. I was stuck.

The banging stopped for a few seconds, so I slowly opened my eyes, but what I saw instead made my already panicked state, even more panicked.

The door knob was slowly turning, or I was just seeing it in slow motion, I wasn't quite sure. I watched as it span round and round, until I heard one very unfriendly sound.

Click

The door was opening. And the devil came in.

"Noah! You should have opened the damn door YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT!" my father lunged towards me, his right hand balled into a fist and headed straight for my face, and a beer bottle rested in his left hand.

I attempted to dodge the punch, but I'm not particularly quick or sporty, and I was stuck motionless against the wall, so fast movements seemed impossible. I ended up taking the blow, a stinging pain making itself obvious on my left cheek. My head snapped to the side and my breath was knocked out of me.

"I-I I'm sorry, whatever it is..I'm sor...sorry" I began to say, tears streaking down my face. He grabbed my chin and forced me to face him whilst he spat his  next line of revolting words.

"You are pathetic. Stupid. Ugly and a fucking disappointment. All I ever ask from you is that you get an A or A+ every fucking time, so when I see your report with an A- I felt betrayed. Your so fucking pathetic. I raised a fucking fairy. You're not worthy of having a roof over your head. Get the fuck out. NOW!" He Slammed his fist against the wall right beside my face. I grabbed my phone, charger and my jumper, then I left. I ran out of that house. That perfect fucking house.

The reason why it's so clean is because my mother is cleaning it day and night, just so she can avoid my father. If the house wasn't spotless, she'll have bruises over her face too. Perfect wife, perfect son and a fucking horrible father. But nobody knows. And nobody will ever know. To everyone else, we're a perfect example of a perfect family. I hate the word perfect.

If me and my mother are any less than perfect according to my father, we're worth nothing.

Sometimes perfect is beautiful, like Tyler's entire body or Olivia's house. But other times, perfect is the ugliest thing I have ever seen.

I have nowhere to go, my phone is dead, and it's cold as fuck. I don't even know the fucking time. Selfish bastard. At times like this, I would have grabbed my car keys, drove around for a while and just slept in my car until the morning, then I would sneak back into the house and get ready for school. But I forgot my keys.

Maybe my father is right after all, I am just a disappointment. I'm stupid for forgetting my keys, I'm a coward for not being able to speak, and I'm pathetic for crying. I'm just useless.

The tears started running again and I just allowed my feet to take me wherever, I didn't know where I was going, and the tears fogged my vision. But soon enough, I ended up outside Olivia's house, I rang the doorbell and I stood there. Waiting.

The tears weren't stopping and the pain in my cheek was causing my whole face to throb. My hands shook as I knocked on the door, and I just felt so pathetic.

I'm just a pathetic, useless, ugly and stupid disappointment. Maybe life would be easier if I just disappeared for a very, very long time. Is it too early to say goodbye?