60 days of learning love ✔️

Part 20

Noah POV

(T.W: depression and suicidal thoughts)

I felt stupid for turning up at Olivia's house unannounced, but as soon as I was enveloped in her warmth and comfort, all sense of guilt washed away.

I'm still unfamiliar with anything compassionate, and if I didn't have a friend as caring as Olivia, I would never know the feeling of being held by someone. I hate myself every single day, but my moments with Olivia and Tyler make me want to be alive, I don't want to give them up. I want to live for another day, wrapped in her blanket of comfort.

I heard Olivia say something, but I wasn't sure what it was, so I just held her tighter as I cried. Burying my head onto her shoulder. This was all I needed. I just needed her. Is this love?

I kept a tight hold on her as she lead me further into the house, and only when I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder did I realise Mia was here, and all relief I felt seconds earlier vanished. Mia was here, and I had ruined Olivia's day. I'm a terrible friend.

Olivia is my best friend and I am just being a burden. She was having fun before I came, I saw the smile on her face vanish as soon as she opened the front door. She was happy before I turned up. Fuck. I shouldn't have came, I disturbed her. She just feels forced to care for me because I started being pathetic, crying and holding onto her like a baby. I'm such a bad friend for pinning my worries on her, I'm a terrible person. I shouldn't have relied on her too much, she deserves so much more than me. I'm sure Mia is pissed at me too.

I hate myself. Maybe I shouldn't stay another day. Maybe I should disappear tonight or now. I don't deserve a life where all I do is burden people and cause them pain, they deserve so much more than me.

I let out more loud sobs at the realisation, and Olivia had sat me down on the chair. Mia had left the room, I didn't know why. I just knew that I shouldn't be here, Mia probably just left so she didn't have to put up with my bullshit. I wouldn't blame her.

"you wanna talk about it?" I heard Olivia say, snapping me away from my thoughts.

I shouldn't be here. Explaining myself to her would just be a reason to stay, she will only end up caring about me more. I don't want that, I don't deserve that. So I say the only words I can, whilst covering the words I want to tell her.

"It's nothing" I'm nothing. But keep holding me until I give it all up.

Seconds later, Mia came back. Why would she come back? Why would she continue to put with my pathetic behaviour when she could just leave? She handed me a drink of water, which I was grateful for. What I wasn't greatful for was the sting of a frozen bag of peas against my already stinging cheek. I think I said thank you, but I wasn't really sure. I'm not sure of anything anymore apart from the cold feeling against my cheek, reminding me of the bruise that needs to be taken care of. I've just become numb.

Olivia and Mia continued watching the film, and eventually I turned my head to the screen too. "Brother bear". I remember this film, it was my favourite when I was a little kid, me and my dad would watch it whenever we could. My mom would sometimes watch it with us too. All three of us would huddle on the couch, with me squished between the two of them whilst they cuddled me close. I can still remember the soft smiles they gave me as they kissed my forehead, and the loving looks they gave eachother throughout the film. I felt calm thinking about those times. The times when I was loved by my parents. Why did everything have to change so quickly?

~~~

When the film was over, Mia announced that she was leaving, probably to escape me. Yet again, I wouldn't blame her. I would leave me too.