💞Diary of a Genderqueer💞

What is a social life??

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𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕣𝕥𝕪 𝕕𝕒𝕪𝕤 𝕤𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕒𝕤𝕥 𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝. 𝕊𝕠 𝕀 𝕥𝕣𝕪 𝕥𝕠 𝕘𝕖𝕥 𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦. 𝔹𝕖𝕖𝕟 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙𝕕𝕣𝕒𝕨𝕒𝕝. 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤 𝕀 𝕕𝕠. 𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕣𝕥𝕪 𝕕𝕒𝕪𝕤 𝕤𝕚𝕟𝕔𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕝𝕖𝕗𝕥 𝕞𝕖. 𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕖𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕡𝕠𝕚𝕟𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕧𝕚𝕖𝕨. 𝔹𝕦𝕥 𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪. 𝕐𝕠𝕦'𝕣𝕖 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕤𝕠 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕗𝕦𝕤𝕖𝕕

Hey yo. I kinda broke the streak but that's okay right?

Thought I might throw it out there that today marks the eighth month I've not been cis, and recognized it.

I haven't been cis for years. But that's besides the point. There's a dog sleeping on my bed right now, and I find that ridiculously cute.

He's got a lil pizza collar awwwwwwwww

Anyways, the only way I can describe my mood is sleepy. I slept pretty early, but I'm still exhausted.

Then again, even my friends will say it, I'm always tired.

Doesn't make much sense, but it exists, so, oh well.

So update, THE MUSHROOM MUG CAME YESTERDAY OMG. I'm at Father's house so I have to wait until Mother picks me up after work to have it, but it's here and I'm very excited!

Another thing, I was supposed to go to school yesterday, and they fucking cancelled, like what? Anyways, the reason I'm so upset, because it's quite out of character for me to want to go to school is because Tommy was going to give me the necklace, it was going to be a moment i stg.

I hope I see her this weekend that'd be really fun! And we can wear the necklaces and have a whole moment, it'll be great.

Okay so, this summer I'm actually excited to do things and I just??? I don't understand where my sudden enthusiasm came from. But I'd like to share my plans with you.

A lot of my hopefully plans start outside, which is really weird since I always wanna stay inside, ask anyone I know they'll tell you how reluctant I am to step foot outside of my house.

I really wanna get a better summer wardrobe because my current one makes me wanna vomit, it's so feminine I can't- I was genderfluid last summer but even then I felt like Mother was pushing me to get feminine things, and with Blonde, I was too scared to try and get other items.

Good thing I grew and a lot of shit doesn't fit me.

I love goblincore clothes. So much, the aesthetic makes me really happy, but you probably already know that? I've talked about it a lot. But i really wanna get clothes like that, I'll probably ask Bowie what to look for because I trust her advice kinda sorta?

Tommy agreed to go shopping with me this summer which is good, and Mother might take me back to that vintage store, which I'm very excited for because that place gives me good vibes, but oh my god if it's not hot as balls in there. It doesn't have an AC or a heating system.

I hope they get an AC. Then again I was wearing a hoodie (probably).

I actually want to wear summer clothes which is strange because of how self conscious I am, I want to get clothes that make me happy, and then I'll be confident wearing them, hopefully.

No joke, last summer when I wore a summer outfit for the first time, I had an anxiety attack and ran out to the car because I was about to cry, it was really bad.

That's one of my plans. I want friends that will go on like, voyages in the woods with me? Like we can look for trinkets and stuff, and if we find cool rocks that's even better. It gets really hot in the summer where I live (not Arizona hot but still- hot), so I hope we can go to shady places like holiday park, now that's really fun! I hope someone will go with me TwT

I wanna have a picnic sometime, like one of those cute ones with your friends or something. With cold tea and whatever someone else wants to pack. We can go out and walk after or just sit and talk for a while. That just sounds fun to me?

I wanna interact with people more you know? Like I wanna have more sleepovers and stuff where we can actually do things. Not just sit in my bed alone. We could walk to a gas station (or skate) and screw around around my neighborhood.

I wanna take Mum to my lake house again, and this time we won't get bored of everything too fast. If she wants to go with us that is, and her parents allow it. I ACTUALLY HAVE SWIM TRUNKS TO WEAR THIS TIME OMG.

Speaking of that, the lake that is. I want to appreciate it this time. Last time I was there I kind of just wanted to leave. I wanna go on more walks, I want to explore the woods around us, I want to do things.

I want to be happy this summer is all I'm saying, because last summer I was miserable. For no reason really, I just was. No wait there was a reason, I was super depressed, experiencing dysphoria that I recognized for the first time, and my friends barely talked... yeah.

Not dogging them, I just don't think as a group we were that compatible. I can't tell you how much drama we went through, it was horrible. Again, I'm not dogging them, I just feel like we were kind of forced?

I feel like that's my fault a lot. I always have this fear I'm holding everyone together. Not in a narcissistic way. But like I forced a bunch of people to be friends, and then I held them together when they didn't fit. I fear that with my current friends too. Like, am I forcing this? Is this okay? Do they even like each other.

What I need to realize is, they can also communicate, and they don't hate me. If they don't like someone they probably won't include themselves in the group, they don't have to stop being friends with me- I don't know, just people pleasing struggles I suppose.

This conversation has gone in so many different directions- I apologize lol. I hope you still enjoyed today's chapter. 

See you on the flip side!

~Finnie 🏳️‍🌈