💞Diary of a Genderqueer💞

TW// Depressive topics.

Thursday, February 26th, 12:43 pm.

Lmao, what's the point. 

Hey it's Finley, the title literally isn't a joke, if you get triggered easily from depressive topics, click away now.

I won't be offended if you skip out on one measly part of this horrific thing I've created.

I am very down in the dumps right now. Not the best phrasing honestly, I feel like absolute dog shit, better.

It's kinda a thing in my mind I have very bad abandonment issues. I'm so afraid of being left behind I think that I have to edit myself so people will talk to me, which, I'm trying to learn I don't have to do that for people to like me.

I like to hide behind phrases such as "I'm tired." "dw I'm fine/I'll be fine!" "Yeah just a little tired nothing too bad." or "I'm kinda busy today ttyl." to avoid having to socialize with the people I love for no apparent reason.

I'm afraid if I talk to people for too long, for extensive periods of time, they'll get bored of me and think I'm not worth it anymore.

Especially my partner.

There were three people before them, all of them left me with the things I'm still afraid of.

I'm afraid they're losing interest in me, like the first one did. I'm afraid I'm being too clingy, like the second one told me, I'm afraid I'm not good enough, like I felt with Piss Baby.

I'm so afraid of so many things I forget that they're different than all of them, and I might need to explain that, for them, and my declining mental health.

It's so easy for me to think that they're ignoring me, they're losing interest in me, I'm being too clingy, stop being you, they deserve better. That I forget how many times they've said "I love you." "I want you." and how many times they've told me that in their eyes I am perfect.

They've been so patient with me, and I'm so grateful, everyone has been so patient with me.

I'm just scared in all honesty. That I'm going to feel alone again, like no one is there for me again, and go down a path that still burns my skin when I think about it.

My stomach always goes funny when I think about this stuff,, and the urge to cry is immeasurable. I just wish I had the guts to ask all of them what they truly think about me. 

It isn't fair to them they're compared to people that hurt me all the time. I'm sorry.

See ya on the flip side.

~Finley.