broken || outerbanks, jj

two

cooper's pov
monday ; 5:30 pm
home

i walked out of my bedroom only to find my father sleeping on the couch. i took a quick glance at the clock, 5:30, it read. he was going to be late.

"hey dad." i shook him. he didn't move. "dad, it's 5:30. you have work in a half an hour. you're going to be late."

dad stirred under my hand and flicked his eyes open, sending me a smile. "i called in. i was thinking," he sat up on the couch and i back out of his way, "maybe you and i could spend the day together?"

"oh, um," i didn't know what to say, "yeah."

"great." he sent me yet another one of his smiles.

dad always went to work. he never missed a day. he wasn't allowed to miss a day. it was part of his treatment for being an alcoholic. excuse me, recovering alcoholic.

"what did you have planned?" i asked him.

"well, for starters, i was thinking a walk down memory lane?" he raised an eyebrow at me. "maybe we could go to that museum i used to bring you to when you were younger. you loved that place."

"dad, i hated that place. every time you brought me, i would sit and throw a tantrum."

"oh, maybe that was your mom who liked it then."

dad started talking about mom again recently. he never did that. any time she was brought up, he shut the conversation down quicker than it started. it was like he was going to die and it was the only thing keeping him alive.

"yeah, it was."

"okay, how about we look through some photo albums then. i noticed you do that when i'm gone. maybe we can do it together?" he looked to have hope in his eyes.

"yeah, yeah sure." i shrugged towards him.

"great!"

dad stood up and walked over to the photo album's that were placed nicely in a pile by our fire place. he grabbed the top two and walked back over to the couch. i took my seat on the couch right along with him and he flipped the book open.

"you know, your mom and i, we worked really hard on these books. it was our saturday project. every saturday she would bring you to your aunts, just so you could play with your cousins. then she would come home and her and i would work on these." dad stated as he looked through the book.

i kept my gaze on him. i could see the sadness flowing right from his eyes and face.

he missed her.

dad didn't need to miss her. she was an asshole, who treated him like shit. she was a slut who cheated on him. she left him, she packed her shit and left. he tried to stay with her, even after she cheated, but she left. she was the one who left.

"mom, she uh, she was alright." was all i could say. i didn't know how to talk about her with him. i didn't know what was to far and what wasn't. i didn't know if i would say something wrong and he would be right back on the couch, drinking away his misery.

"one time," dad let out a chuckle, "your mom, she was late to picking you up from your cousins because we had lost track of time all because we were making these stupid things."

dad didn't take his eyes off the photo album. he just kept flipping, and flipping, and flipping.

it was silent for a while. he didn't speak, he just looked at the memories that were put in the book. i just watched him. watched him smile at the pictures, nod his head at some, and even lose all emotions at others.

he was thinking, thinking hard about all the pictures. and it made me wonder if burning the family picture from arizona was a bad idea. what if he never remembers that memory? what if he forgets it even happened because i burned that picture?

tuesday ; 4:15pm
coffee shop

i sat in a run down coffee shop. it was part of a run down strip mall. very small, very old. i sat in my regular spot. by myself. i was drinking my coffee. a carmal cooler, no whip cream. that was my everyday order. well almost every day.

dad is going back to work today. yesterday he spent the whole day talking to me about mom and memories he had thought of. he still had no memory of arizona and our last family trip. he still hasn't talked about that one. still makes me regret burning that picture.

i sipped on my coffee, watching as an old couple stood in line and paid for their drinks they ordered.

they were happy. they loved each other. they have probably been together for years. 70 years probably. i wish i had that. i wish my parents had that. i wish everyone had that.

love was a hard thing. being in love was an even harder thing. it's a lot to handle, and you have to make sure you are actually ready to love another human being. you have to make sure you are ready to put someone before yourself.

i wasn't ready for that like i used to be. i was ready for that with jj. but not now, not anymore. i come first, before anyone else. it's me. i chose me.