broken || outerbanks, jj

nine

monday ; 2:45 am

i landed myself on the cut. it wasn't my intentions. it wasn't where i wanted to be. but i was here. i was here and standing in front of the chateau.

i knew my limits. i wasn't going to do anything stupid. i just wanted to remember something happy. remember a life i lived when i was smiling. when i was genuinely happy.

the chateau, the pogues, it was all happy memories. it was the peek of my summer last summer.

some days i wish i could go back. some days i wish i was there again. at those bonfires, at those long, stay up till sunrise, days. but other days i wish i wasn't because if i was, i would have to relive the life i was going through right now. the life where i broke up with a guy i actually loved, left my friends in the dust. the life where my dad is dead, where i'm an unhappy and a sappy, cold hearted bitch. i didn't want to live that life, but i was, i was right now. this wasn't just a sad memory, this was present time.

i took one last look at the chateau before walking away. i didn't know where my feet would lead me next, but i let them. i let them go wherever they wanted.

—♡—
somewhere in the outerbanks
4:49 am.

it was early. about 5:00 am. i hadn't spelt. i was up all night. i was up all night, looking at the stars in a random field. i probably had seven hundred ants crawling on me by now, but i didn't care.

i sat up and rubbed my eyes. it was still dark outside. lighter than before, but that was because it was about sunrise time. i hadn't watched the sunrise in a long time, so i figured i was going to now.

the sunrise was always a beautiful thing. the way the light hits roof tops. and the way it hits the top of trees. the heat, slowly coming as it rose. such a gorgeous thing.

i stayed, sitting in my ant infested spot. my spot in a random field. i stayed until the sun was fully showing. until i felt sweat drip down my back.

but then i finally moved. i knew it was going to be a long walk back, so sitting there wasn't doing me any good.

i was still on the cut. still on the pogue side of the island. after walking all the way to the chateau, i never walked back. i was tired so i found a field and laid in it. i laid in it and just went over my thoughts.

my thoughts consisted of everything that has happened in the last year and a half. thoughts of when i first came here. thoughts of kie and pope and john b. thoughts of jj. thoughts of rafe and topper and kelce. thoughts of big john and ward and pogues vs kooks. thoughts on moving, twice. thoughts on wheezie and sarah and my mother. thoughts on my father. thoughts on death and the meaning of life. thoughts on me and caring and being broken.

so many things were thought about. so many things were going through my head, but i let them. i needed too. i needed to finally understand everything. needed to let some things go.

i made it back to figure 8 at around 5:30. it was a long walk, and lastnight, if i were to have walked that, i probably would have passed out while standing up.

i walked up the porch of the camerons house hold. i let myself in and took my shoes off. i set them on the rug and walked into the kitchen. topper and kelce were seated at the island, but i didn't say anything.

i grabbed a banana from the counter and leaned against it, watching the two boys. they were messing around with a fork and a dried up noodle. it was amusing to say the least.

"so are you staying this time or?" topper took me out of my thoughts.

"yeah, i think so." i shrugged at the two boys as they were both looking at me.

kelce had a smug look on his face. i knew what it meant. i knew why he looked at me that way. kelce has always had a thing for me.

last summer, kelce asked me out to the movies. i remember that very vividly. he got so mad when i said no, and he pushed me. i ended up falling back and smacking my head against something in the water, which had me ending up in the hospital with ward. you know because ward saw the hole thing but didn't say a damn word, which brings me back to knowing ward didn't actually care about me.

"you'd think sarah could keep her nasty underwear out of my pile of clothes." rafe came fuming into the kitchen.

the two other boys let out chuckles as rafe made eye contact with me. "oh, you're here."

"well, i live here. so yeah."

"coop," topper stopped and glanced at me, "sarah told me to call you that, said it was your new name or something." topper stumbled over his words, "anyway, coop went through some shit man, calm down."

topper took me by surprise. almost made me like him as an acquaintance. but that would never happen.

"so get off my back." i shoved the last of my banana into my mouth, winking at kelce as he just kept starring at me.

"whatever. are we going surfing or what? my dads got me on some chore tonight and i want to have some fun before i'm put on lock down." rafe grabbed a water bottle from the fridge before glaring at me.

"let's go." kelce answered and the three of them walked out of the kitchen.

"an invite would be cool next time!" i yelled. i didn't really want an invite, but getting rafe worked up was cool. it was something to keep my mind off things.