broken || outerbanks, jj

fifteen

tuesday ; 9:36 pm
jj's pov

i sat on a randoms person dock throwing rocks into the water. after what happened and the fight with my friends, i wanted to give us all space. i also wanted to clear my head.

having cooper back, it scared the hell out of me. it made me want to throw myself at a wall until i was paralyzed. i didn't want to think about what would happen if i saw her.

but i also wanted to know what she would say. what she would do. would she run? would she talk to me? would we fight and scream at eachother?

cooper was the love of my life. as cliche as it is, she was. she made me happy. she made me feel like there was a meaning in life. she put a real smile on my face and all she had to do was walk into the room. cooper was the one person, besides my friends, who i actually trusted.

but then she left. then she became a stranger. she became someone who i felt i needed to hate. who i shouldn't love. but a part of me couldn't not love her. she meant everything to me. i was definitely mad, but i had no hate for her. i hate what happened and how it happened. i hate the things that lead to what happened. but i never have hated cooper. and i could never hate cooper.

but the other part of me, it made me want to hate her. that part of me could care fucking less if she disappeared forever. that part of me wished she was never here in the first place. never someone who i trusted with everything. never someone who i once loved more than my own self.

that part of me is what was taking over how i felt. that part was taking anything i ever had for cooper and destroying it.

and once i heard that my friends wanted her back in their lives, i let that shitty part of me, take over.

there was no going back. the feelings i had for cooper were disappearing, and i let them.

coopers pov
tuesday 9:47 pm

"cooper lets get drunk!" sarah screamed as she walked into my room.

"why are you so loud?" i covered my ears.

"drink with me! lets get drunk! please?" she jumped onto my bed and showed me the bottle of fireball she had in her hand.

"you definitely pulled this out of your dads cabinet. but i'm in." i sent her a smirk.

"yes! girls night!"

—♡—

"no seriously, he is a piece of shit. i love him, don't get me wrong, but he looks at every girl that he sees. it's like, HELLO! i'm right here dumbass." sarah went on about topper and the things he does that piss her off.

i couldn't help but smile a little bit. topper was the absolute opposite of jj, and it made me wonder if jj was like that because he loved me, or if he just knew how to play out a relationship.

i knew jj loved me. of course he loved me. he told me more than anyone i know, that he loved me.

if he loved me now, i wouldn't know. i mean, sure, technically you never stop loving someone, but jj, he was always different, he could like you one day, then fucking want to murder you on spot the next day.

so yes, jj loved me, but i was positive he didn't love me now.

"so have you seen him?" sarah took me out of my thoughts as she handed me a shot glass full of fireball.

i took the shot from her hand and looked at it as she watched me. the alcohol was brown with a tint of red in it. it was an ugly color to say the least.

"coop?" sarah spoke again.

"no." i sent her a small smile, "i haven't. and honestly." i started as i took the shot, "i don't want to."

the shot instantly wanted to come back up, but i held it down as i shivered.

"how could you say that? jj was like, the love of your life."

"no, he wasn't. he was just a boyfriend for the summer. i mean that's how everyone else sees it right?" i poured more of the fireball into both of our shot glasses.

"don't even, cooper. that boy, jj, he was the love of your life. i mean, you may be 19 now, and maybe that's to young to decide who is someones forever person, but with you, with jj, it was obvious to everyone. you two loved eachother. you two would fucking die for each other." sarah took her shot and started to speak again before i could interrupt her.

"the way he looked at you, the way he would just smile at you when you would sit and talk with people. the way he would drool over the fact that you were someone everyone wanted to be. he loves you more than anyone in this world. and you love him. you love him more than you think."

"i bet, if you asked him how he felt now, he'd deck you in the face." i stated while setting my shot glass down.

"that's your problem. you can't let anyone love you."

"what?"

"your mom. your dad. your friends. me. nobody can love you, you push us all away as soon as we show some type of care for you." sarahs voice was mellow. "you pushed jj away. you pushed us all away when you moved."

"i'm sorry."

"i should accept your apology, but honestly, i did that like 4 months ago when i realized why you did it. you did it because i cared to much, you did it because i loved you."

i felt a wet stain form on my cheek and smiled at sarah. "i love you too. thanks for being such an amazing sister."

"anytime." sarah pulled me into a hug.