broken || outerbanks, jj

eighteen

i rode rafes bike until i thought i was far enough away from them. i quickly parked it next to a no parking sign, just for shits and giggles, before getting off and walking away from it.

i realized i was on the cut, and walked over to a dock, finally sitting down and looking at my bleeding leg. i most have scratched it on something sharp enough to break skin. it was a pretty large cut, but i didn't mess with it to much seeing as i had dirty fingers and i didn't want to infect it.

i took a deep breath and laughed, shaking my head.

kelce really thought he had a chance. like he really thought i was going to say yes. who does he think i am? or even who he is?

"is that, blood?"

i flipped my body around, wishing i hadn't in that moment because of who i saw.

he looked like himself. he had a washed gray tank top on with tan shorts to match his signature look. on his head was his red hat, and a pair of sunglasses. his face looked sun burnt, but very tan. he looked worn out and tired. he had a look of hurt and confusion on his face as he studied me, but he was trying to hide it with what seemed to be fake anger.

jj wasn't angry. he wasn't pissed off at me. he was pissed off at the situation, and i knew that. but i also knew that he took that anger out on the wrong people. i knew he has already taken it out on kie, pope and john b. and now he was taking it out on me, but that part was understandable.

i did mess up. i messed up bad last summer. and i'm only seeing that now because i'm seeing him.

"oh yeah, it is. i fell off rafe's bike while trying to get away from kelce." i let out a genuine laugh while looking at my left thigh. it was still bleeding but it was mostly just dried blood at this point.

as he stood there, face to face with me, all it felt like was jj was just some random person who i could talk to like every thing was normal. like there was no back story. it felt like there was never a break up, never feelings of being broken. it felt like i was in a parallel universe.

"why are you here?"

"what?" i brought my attention back up to him.

"why did you come back? why couldn't you just stay with your dad?"

i wanted to scream at the blonde boy. i wanted to punch his face in. i wanted to run him over with a forklift and call him names. but i didn't.

i let a smile form across my face. "wouldn't you like to know?"

"yeah, i really would because you are ruining everything. you come back and take my friends. you come back and hurt me all over again!" he spat. "i fucking loved you! i thought that maybe, even though it's absolute bullshit because we are just 19, that maybe, you could have been the one person that i actually wanted to be with forever. but now that i think of it, you are exactly like every god damn women on this planet so even thinking that was absolutely crazy of me!"

"yep, let it all out." i nodded at the boy.

"are you serious? are you actually fucking kidding me? you left! you disappeared like this was nothing! you took me and my friends for granted. you destroyed me and everything i was. you hurt not just me, but the people you called friends. and for some fucking reason, they are just cool with it. they are cool with being your friend again. you would be better off at your dads, where you belong."

i let the small smile fade from my lips. at first, i liked seeing jj explode, because that, to me, showed that he cared. it showed me that even though he was pissed, even though he could rip my head off my body, that there was still some type of feeling towards me. he took his time to yell at me and get everything off his chest and that let me think that maybe he still had a spot for me in his heart.

but then he brought up my dad.

"stop."

"stop what? yelling? stop acting like you are this amazing person with no flaws. stop acting like you haven't done anything wrong. stop acting like you haven't hurt anyone."

"i don't have the energy for this, jj."

"DON'T call me by my name! don't even fucking say it." jj's face was red. he was absolutely fuming with rage.

it was silent for exactly two minutes. i was counting it in my head.

"so what, are you just going to keep coming around and then leave again. go back with your dad after the summer ends because he supposedly got clean?" jj flailed his arms in the air as he was about twelve inches in front of me.

"I SAID STOP!" i yelled and pushed jj away from me.

"NO! you did this. you fucked me up. you ruined every thing that was good and it was all for your fucking dad!"

"JJ!" i heard from behind jj, but ignore it. this was my time to let everything go.

"i left because i had to. yes, a small part of me wanted to go, i wanted to go see my dad. i wanted to go see my father, the only other person, besides you, who actually loved me. but on the other side, if i didn't want to go, if i didn't want to go see my dad, i had to because i was, in all, sent away. rose and ward kicked me out, told me i had to, and you know that! you know that in the end, the only part that was fully my fault was not telling you guys earlier. but you also know, that even, even if i fucking told you earlier last summer that i would be leaving, that this is exactly how it would have turned out. i know that and they know that," i pointed behind him to our friends. "you and i were never going to end up together. you and i have to many problems of our damn own, and putting us together would cause a fucking ship wreck."

jj didn't say anything. i could still see the displeasure in jj's face. the glare he was giving me made me feel no sympathy over what i just said and what i was about to say.

"and he's dead by the way."

with that, i walked away from jj. i walked away from kie and pope who called after me, i walked away from john b. i walked, i walked away from it all.

i walked away before any of them could see me break down. no one needed to see me cry or let out any other emotions.