broken || outerbanks, jj

eight

sunday ; 5:17 pm
the camerons

i sat alone in the room i call my own. the house was quite. no one was around. it was the third day of summer for everyone in the outerbanks. which meant everyone was off either at work, or on an adventure.

i wasn't. i was sat at home, moping in my own misery. i sat in my room and drew. it was a thing i liked to do. it kept me occupied. kept my thoughts from wondering. drawing was a stress reliever. it let me get things out without having to say words. it let me take out built up anger without having to smash something, or yell at someone.

the world felt smaller. it was a weird feeling. it felt like i was the only one in it. i was the only one who was actually alive. everyone else was just another part of my imagination. it made me feel alone. i always felt alone. after my dad died i left alone.

after dad died, my world collapsed. it broke. it broke into pieces. it was like a zombie apocalypse. the world was crashing down and i was the only one left.

my dad may have done bad things. bad things to me. but he was still my dad. he still loved me. he may have hit me and called me names and he may have loved my mom more than me. but he was my dad. he was the one person i loved more than anything.

i never got that chance to really tell anyone in the outerbanks all the good things my father did for me. all the good things he did for his family. i may never get that chance either. but i knew. i knew what he did.

i knew that he worked two jobs just so the three of us could get by. i knew he saved up his money just so he could take us on a family trip. i knew he loved us more than anything. i knew he would do anything in the world to protect us. he loved me and my mother. there was no changing that.

a knock on my door took me out of my thoughts.

"go away!" i yelled at the figure behind the door.

i heard the person behind the door fidget with the door nob before opening it. ward cameron stood in my bedroom door way.

"may i?" his voice was deep.

"no. i said go away."

"coop," he walked into my room, closing the door, "i know how you feel. i know what you're going through." he took a seat on a chair that was next to my desk. "i know we have had our off's. i know we were always different. but we aren't when it comes to this."

he looked at me. i could feel his eyes just starring at my soul. he didn't move his gaze from me as he continued.

"my father, he uh, he passed a couple years ago. it was hard on the family. it was hard for everyone. but it was very hard on me. my dad was my bestfriend."

i glanced over at ward. he seemed like he cared. he seemed like he gave some type of shit about me. i wanted to let him in, but all of this could have just been an act.

"my dad and i used to live on the cut. we were like you and your dad. we lived off no money. worked two jobs. moved from house to house. my mom cheated on him. she left us. she and i never got along. you see, we aren't that different. so please, if you need some one to talk to, talk to me."

i didn't need anyone to talk too. ward was an asshole. treated me like shit most the time. though we didn't speak much, his actions showed. actions speak louder than words.

"did rose put you up to this? did she have you make up some sob story to make me feel better?" the anger that came from my tone startled me.

"no-"

"save it. i don't care. my world is different from yours. my story is different from yours. none of what you have to say matters. so save your breath."

ward shook his head at me and stood up from his seat. "your mom is making dinner downstairs. come down if you get hungry." with that, ward walked out of my room.

—♡—
10:42 pm

it was dark outside. it was cold and windy. but i didn't mind. i liked the cold. it made me feel not so numb. it made me feel something.

being numb was nice though. feeling numb made me not have to worry about my problems. it didn't let me cry, which i liked because i didn't want to cry. i wanted to be a pretty girl, and pretty girls don't cry.

numb was my new favorite word. if someone asked me how i was feeling, 'numb.' or if i was asked if i was okay, i would respond, 'i'm numb.'

it didn't even feel like a word anymore. it didn't even feel like a feeling anymore. i was so numb that i became numb to the word numb.

i was walking down a curvy road. it wasn't leading me to anywhere. i had no destination. i just walked. it was relaxing. no one was bothering me. no one was talking. it was just me and my thoughts.

my thoughts have been against me lately. they were pushing people away. people who cared. they were reminding me of my father and what happened. reminding me the things i never did when my father was alive. the things i never got to tell him. the things i never got to do with him.

but they also reminded me of the good things we did together, which still made me think my thoughts were against me because why would i want to remember? why couldn't i just forget about it all. it would make me happier. it would make me feel something. something other than numb.