broken || outerbanks, jj

thirteen

tuesday ; 12:43 pm

wheezie and i were sat on wards boat. it was just us two. i was driving while she was reading a book.

earlier that day i had asked ward to take the boat out, said i hadn't been on the water in a long time. it took a lot of convincing, but he allowed.

wheezie heard the entire conversation and said she wanted to go with as well, before i could say no, ward told us it was a good idea.

i think ward just wanted wheezie to go with me so that if i did something dumb, wheezie could report it back to him, but really i just wanted to be alone. i wanted piece and quite. i wanted to be left alone in my thoughts.

wheezie was going to end up coming no matter what i said, so i told her that if she stayed quite the whole ride, i would give her this months allowance that ward gives to us every month. she agreed.

so that brings us back to wheezie reading, and me, in my thoughts.

there wasn't much to think about though. i mean, there was my dad, but he was dead. there was rose, but she was still a liar and a cheater. there were my friends, but technically, we weren't even considered friends anymore. there was my old self, but she was no where to be seen. the only thing that kept coming back was jj.

i didn't know how to feel about jj. i mean, when we dated, i loved him. i still do love him, but i didn't know if it was still the same love.

back in the bahamas with my dad, i worked a cashier job, just for extra cash, but i dated this guy. it was mainly just to take my thoughts off jj, but then the guy cheated on me and i broke things off. i guess it should have hurt more that he cheated, but i didn't even actually like him, he was just hot. and he took away the thoughts of jj. i just hoped the guy got a pay raise for fucking our manager.

jj was definitely my first actual love. we did so many things together, so many nights spent together just talking about random things. so many days laughing and flirting. so many weeks of kissing and hanging out. so many months of fishing and surfing and being together. jj loved me, he loved me unconditionally. and i was in love with him then too. i was in love with a reckless idiot named jj maybank. and for whatever reason, i still wanted to think i was. but without seeing him, and without talking to him, i didn't know.

but there was a part of me that didn't want to know. i didn't want to know the truth because what if he didn't love me and i still loved him? what if i just didn't care about him because he changed in a way i didn't like? what if jj thought of me in a bad way? i didn't want to care about jj and what he thinks about me. i didn't want to care about fixing our problems. i wanted and need to care about fixing myself. fixing me. i was broken and sad and fucked up. i was scared and not me.

but i never cared about fixing myself. i never cared about the things that matter most.

my dad died for christ sakes and all i cared about was what party i would be going too. my mother hated me and all i cared about was what i was going to eat the next day. i was living all my days sad and broken and all i cared about was making fun of rafe just to piss him off, or caring about which shoes i should wear for the day instead of caring about people i wanted to call friends.

i cared about the wrong things. i cared about stupid shit that didn't even matter. i ignored the things that really mattered. why? because it was easier. it cared about easy things because i could control those things. i could control what parties i was going to. i could control what i was going to eat the next day, i could control what i said to piss rafe off, or which shoes i could wear for the day. i picked easy things to actually worry about because i could control them. i couldn't control my dads death, or my own mothers hate towards me. i couldn't control the way people felt towards me, or the way i wanted them to feel towards me. i couldn't control the hard things, so i picked the easy things.

wheezie had dropped her book, which took me out of my head. i glared at her and she sent a quick 'sorry' my way before continuing to read.

it wasn't that i hated wheezie, i just didn't want her company right now. i didn't want anyones company right now. i wanted to be by myself fixing my problems. i wanted to be alone collecting my thoughts. making them make sense. i wanted to be alone to fix whatever the fuck was wrong with me.

but the world didn't want that. the world wanted to fix my problems by themselves. the world didn't even give me a chance to do something on my own.