broken || outerbanks, jj

four

2:16 am

5 hours of the long, long, long surgery. 5 hours of waiting to hear that they saved my dads life. 5 hours of no tears and no sadness. 5 hours of hearing happy news and sad news get tossed around to different families. 5 long hours of waiting. waiting for an update, waiting for news, waiting for something that i wasn't getting.

and yet, i would rather wait another 5 hours than hear the news i just heard. the 5 words i was told only moments ago from a nurse who i didn't know the name of. a nurse who actually seemed sad, but could have only been putting on a show for me. she was just looking at me as i starred at her. i didn't know what to do, i didn't know how to react. what do you do when a nurse tells you "we did everything we could." what do you do when a doctor tells you, "i'm sorry, derick has been pronounced dead at 2:12 am."

how do you react? how do you function? what do you think?

i had no answers to any of my questions.

"can i see him?"

"they are closing him up now, you can see him in about a half an hour."

"thank you." i sat down in my seat. the same seat i had been in the 5 hours prior. it was warm and sticky. it was uncomfortable, but none of that matter now. none of it meant anything. the only thing that matter was my dads life, and now it was gone. in the span of 5 hours, it was gone. he drank himself to liver failure. he killed himself. he did this to him self. he did it. no one else.

"can i get you anything? something to eat? drink?" the nurse spoke again.

"um, no. no thanks."

the nurse nodded and walked away. she glanced back at me once more before fully leaving my sight. she was sorry. she left sorry.

2:45 am

my dads body laid lifeless. laid still. he wasn't breathing. he wasn't making any sound. he didn't have any cords on his body. he didn't have any machines in his room. he was gone. he was really gone. all he had was me, and the bed that gave him support.

i still couldn't cry. nothing came out. i felt sad, i was sad, but i couldn't cry. but then i did, i remembered the family picture. he never got a chance to remember it himself. he never got to talk about it with me. i burned it. i ruined it. it was my fault.

"hey dad," i cried, finally. "dad do you remember arizona? the last family trip? the last trip you and mom were happy on? the last trip we went on as a family? do you remember?" i knew he couldn't hear me. i knew he wasn't going to answer.

"it was a few years ago. you were happy, mom was happy. even i was happy. we were a family. it was us three against the world." i smiled down at him.

no response, which was intended.

"you two loved each other. you loved me. you both did. it was the best thing we ever did as a family."

i smiled at him and gently put my hand in his, almost hoping for a response.

"then mom ruined it. she cheated. she tore this family apart. can you guess what she's doing now? she lives on this island, but you know that. she is called a kook all because she is rich. she acts like the money is hers. like she made it. she didn't. but you know that too."

i whipped away a tear that fell down my cheek.

"i love you dad. i loved you when you loved me. i loved you when you hated me. i loved you when you hit me, when i left, when you screamed at me, when you locked me in my room. i loved you. i loved you when you hung out with me because i didn't want to go to prom, when you and i used to play tickle fights, even though it was always you who won because you were stronger. dad i love you. and i miss you."

i sat in his room for about an hour, just talking to him. he couldn't hear me and he sure as hell couldn't respond, but i talked to him. told him everything from the day i left to the day i came back.

i never told him things when he was alive. i never told him how i was doing or how i felt. i was quite around him, and he was my father. i should have told him more. i should have told him everything, but now i did.

i told him about mom, about the camerons, about topper and kelce, about kie and john b, and pope. i told him about jj and what we had and all the things jj did for me. i told him about how i left and how they all hate me because i'm a stuck up loser who couldn't just tell my own friends and boyfriend that i was leaving. i told him how i left and how it was hard and ruined everything. i told him everything that happened when he wasn't around. and he listened. he couldn't hear me, but he listened.