broken || outerbanks, jj

seven

after dinner with the camerons

kie stood in front of me. she was just starring at me. it was like i was a sad, fucked up painting. she examined me. she took notes on what i looked like.

i felt mad. the world was destroying my life. the world took my friends. the world took jj. the world took my dad. the world took my happiness. the world was a piece of shit. it fucked me up. fucked everything up.

"so you're here?" she took me out of my thoughts. "like you're back, for good?" i couldn't decide whether she sounded relieved or pissed off.

i nodded. i had no other response.

"why? what happened? did your dad do something? did he start drinking again? did he hit you? hurt you in some way?" her face changed to a worried expression. she cared about me, but i didn't care about me.

no one knew. no one had a clue as to what happened back home. they didn't understand. and even if they knew, they still wouldn't understand.

"you want to know what happened? he did. he did hurt me, he hurt me because he died. he drank so much he killed himself. he got liver failure because he thought that consuming some alcohol would fix all his problems. so yes he hurt me. he left this shitty world and made me fend for myself. again."

i didn't want to he mad. not at kie anyway. i was mad at my dad, mad at the world, but i was taking it out on kie.

"coop-"

"no, don't." i cut her off. i didn't need sympathy. being a bitch was something i learned was easier than caring. "it doesn't matter. what matters is the fact that i'm back. the fact that you guys are going to sit here all summer, all year and hate me. hate me for the way i left. hate me for the way i left jj. the way i told you guys. that's what matters."

"coop, no one hates you." her expression was sincere, but the way she said it made me not believe her. her entire statement wasn't all true.

"i hate me." that was the last thing i said to the carrera girl before i walked away. away from my old bestfriend.

i started to run. i ran as fast as i could go. the camerons left me to talk to kie after dinner, so there wasn't another way i could get home.

i ran past cars and houses and people. i ran past docks and boats. i ran so fast it felt like my legs were going to give out at any given moment.

i was being stupid. i was taking my anger out on the wrong people. i was being selfish. i was being a cold hearted bitch. kie just wanted to care. she wanted to be there for me. but all i was doing was pushing her away. i was always good at pushing people away.

kie carrera was my bestfriend at one point. she meant everything to me. she was my person.

i stopped running. i ran at least a mile. my legs were tired and i couldn't do it anymore. i was tired. i was exhausted.

"get in the car before i run you over."

kie was sitting in her car, her passenger window down. she came after me?

she wanted to talk to me. she wanted me to talk to her.

last summer john b had said something to me,

coop, you need to understand that we are here for you, when something happens, don't fucking ignore us.

and that stuck.

i hung my head low and walked over to her car. the same car i have ridden in many times before. i got in and buckled. the car, it smelt of perfume and dandelions.

"you don't have to say anything, but listen to me." kie put her car in drive, she was upset with me. she drove down the road that i was previously running on and continued, "i don't hate you. you had to leave, it wasn't your choice. i'm not mad at you. i understand why it had to happen. plus, even though you were sad about leaving, i could see how happy you were to go back home with your dad."

i glanced over at kie as she brought up my dad.

"and for your dad. i'm sorry. i know you loved him. i know he was your dad no matter what he did. some things happen. life takes control. but coop," kie parked her car in front of my house. "none of it is your fault. you leaving, your dad, jj, me, john b, pope. none of what happened was at all your fault. okay?"

her words made me want to cry. made me want to hug her and let everything out. but i couldn't. i felt numb.

"okay."

"i love you, coop. and i'm glad you're back. but coop, you need to stop running from your problems. and i mean literally running." kie let out a genuine laugh.

in that moment, so did it. i laughed. i actually laughed because i felt happy.

"i'll be here for you okay? if you need anything, i'll be here. it doesn't have to be now, or next week, or at all, just as long as you know, i am here."

"kie, don't tell the others. i don't want to ruin their summer."

"they are gonna find out eventually."

"then let them. let them find out. please."

"of course. and when they do, i promise you, they'll say the same things."

"even jj?"

kie hesitated. her eyes went wide and she stopped. she stopped breathing. her breath hitched and she didn't move.

"i don't know."

"i knew it. maybe you don't hate me. maybe john b and pope don't hate me. but jj does. jj hates me."

with that i stormed out of her car and up to the camerons house hold. i wanted to be alone, again.