Purposefully Coincidental ✓

8. Therapy

Leo

"How did that make you feel?"

I smile at the question I've become too familiar with.

My therapist, Mandy, is an old, wise and sweet woman. She's worked with military soldiers before, so I don't feel as weird telling her stuff. Dark stuff.

"It made me feel... alive." I shake a snow globe she has on her shelf. She knows I find it awkward to just sit down, facing her, while I talk to her. So I like to wander around her cozy office. She has a lot of nick-knacks I can examine and toy with as I give her my answer. "Carefree. I didn't have to think about anything except for the lyrics of the song."

"Alive how?" She focuses on my first answer.

I grab a book and open it, but read nothing. "I don't really know how to explain it. She just started singing, and it made me forget about..." I close the book again.

Even though I've been seeing Mindy for over two months now, a couple times a week, I still have trouble telling her things and being completely honest with her. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm supposed to tell her. She asks me how I'm feeling and I myself don't even know.

She's gotten used to how I behave and talk, so eh. At least I'm coming here. That has to count for something, right?

"I felt light." I tell her. "I didn't think about anything other than...just the now."

"And why was that, do you think?"

"I'm not sure." I answer truthfully and take a seat, my leg bobbing up and down.

"This is the first time you've told me you feel alive," her soft smile is assuring, making me feel calmer and not judged by my non-answers. Therapy still makes me nervous, but I'm getting better and better at expressing my feelings. "Do you think this has to do with the company you were with?"

"Probably." She gives me a look that reminds me of when my mama would scold me when I tell an obvious lie. I relent and say, "Okay, yes. But," I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. "She wasn't trying to throw out all these 'positive vibes', as Nicole likes to call them. It was just a song, and she felt like singing along, so she did. She wasn't trying to make me feel better. 'Happier.' And I like that. People are always walking on eggshells around me. I know they're doing it because they love me and I appreciate that, but I'm not fragile like they think I am."

I take a deep breath after I finish my word vomit. That's probably the most I've said to Mandy.

She smiles softly at me, writes something down on her notepad, then faces me again.

"I don't think your family thinks you're fragile. On the contrary. They know you're strong. Maybe even stronger than them."

I stay silent as she continues.

"But you're the youngest, and they feel protective of you. They want you to be comfortable and at ease when you're at home."

My family is the best. And I feel all the love they have for me. I feel it in their hugs, in their kisses. When my mama gives me an extra serving, I feel it. I feel it when my Nonna lets me sample her cooking, but swats at the arms of the rest and tells them they have to wait until it's finished. I feel it when my dad pours me a drink and has long, meaningful conversations with me. I feel it in the way my best friend Nicole would occasionally lean her head on my shoulder, even though she hates being touched or being too physically close to someone.

But I also see the way their gazes linger on me, full of concern, when they think I don't notice. They way their body slightly trembles every time I hug them. How they jump when I get a phone call, thinking it's the army calling me back to duty.