Purposefully Coincidental ✓

74. Cry

Josephine

Clicking the 'record' button, I rest my back against the sofa with a sigh.

The pathetic Christmas tree is behind me and I can see it in the viewfinder. It's an insult to call the little plant behind me a Christmas 'tree.'

Staring at the camera, I contemplate what to say.

"Hi," I start. "My name is Josephine, I'm twenty-three years old."

My lips pull into a small smile at how Leo asked me to introduce ourselves to the camera last Christmas, but my lips quickly turn down as I choke out the next words.

"This was supposed to be Leo and I's second Christmas together."

It's been over five months since Leo left and no one has heard anything from him. Not a phone call, a message, a letter...nothing.

I miss his voice. His hand in mine. His smile...His everything.

I feel a tear gliding down my cheek and I quickly wipe it off.

"I promised I wouldn't cry." I give a watery smile to the camera, imagining like I'm talking to Leo. "I thought I had no more tears to shed."

I think back to the video of last Christmas I watched yesterday on repeat, along with every video I have of Leo.

"I watched last year's video." I say to the camera. To Leo. "We were so happy. And you were right. I could hear my laughter through the video while you were filming the ornaments."

We had decided we'd watch the Christmas video of the previous year together before filming the new one. But I watched it alone. And I'm filming this one alone, as well.

I confess, "I almost didn't put up a tree this year. It didn't feel right with you not here. I just wanted to say, 'to hell with Christmas' and wallow in my bed."

I wrap my arms around myself, Leo's hoodie I'm wearing has lost his scent. But I still put it on to sleep every night. It makes me feel closer to him in a way.

"But I know Christmas is your favorite holiday." I stare at the camera. "After Halloween, of course."

I mean since my birthday is three days before so we like to go all out on Halloween.

"But I decided to put up a small tree." It's barely a foot, and it's crooked. But I found it on sale in Target and I bought it.

"I even put some of our ornaments in it." They look weird on the smaller tree.

I think back to what I want to say to Leo. What have I done since he's been gone? I don't think I have the heart to say I've been crying non-stop to his face. So instead, I tell the camera, "Your family invited me to dinner tomorrow."

It's Christmas Eve tonight.

"They did a few times over the past few months. But I declined every time. It didn't feel right to go there when you're not here."

I take a deep breath.

"But I think I'm gonna go tomorrow. I wanna be close to the people you love."

I know it's going to be hard to be surrounded by his family. But I don't want them to see me as weak anymore. 

I've refused to see anyone other than Anya, Candy and sometimes my mother for the past almost half a year. But I know Leo wouldn't want that for me. He would want me to move on as if nothing ever happened. As if he was never here.

But I can't do that. I can't pretend he was never my boyfriend. The love of my life. What I can do is try to cope with it. But it's not as easy as it sounds. Which is why it took me almost three months to finally visit my parents at their house—when I knew Roman wouldn't be there. Why it took me four months to get back to work. Albeit not full time for now, but it's still an improvement. And why it took me almost six months to finally face my fears and go spend Christmas with Leo's family

"You know," I chuckle. "I'm seeing a shrink now."

MM only allowed me back after a psych evaluation and a weekly meeting with a counselor. I took that chance.

I won't admit it to them, but the time off did help me. I took a lot of walks, just like Leo did. I listened to the music he listened to. His playlist comprises songs from different genres. But I could almost hear him mumbling the words next to me when I played a song. I deep cleaned my entire apartment. Got rid of some things I've been holding on to for far too long.

The time off helped me clear my mind a little. But it also gave me a lot of time to think about Leo. To cry.

I cried a fucking ton.

But I'm getting better.

Leo would want me to be better.

"Most of the time it's a brief session." I tell Leo. "But it's necessary if I want to keep my job. And I really do."

I explain in short details why I got cut off in the first place. Then I tell him about Nicole calling me every few days to check on me.

"Yeah," I chuckle. "The same Nicole who despises calling." She knew I took Leo leaving really hard and made a conscious effort to often check up on me, ask how I'm doing. Sometimes I forgot to ask how she's doing. But she doesn't take it personally.

"A few days ago," I grab one of the cookies from the plate on the coffee table and hold it to the lens. "Anya and Candy forced me to bake with them. Said it's been a while since they ate my cookies."

It's been almost half a year, to be exact. The day Leo left was the day I stopped baking.

I just didn't see the point in doing something so joyous when I didn't know if he was well. Well fed. Well rested...

"They taste amazing, if you're wondering." Taking a bite, I savor the flavor. Flashes of Leo and I baking together run through my mind and I smile. I've been trying really hard, with the help of my therapist, to think of the positive moments of Leo and I instead of plaguing my mind with thoughts of where he currently is, what he's doing, if he's hurt.

"As soon as you get back, I'm baking the biggest batch ever, and we'll eat them for breakfast and dinner for an entire week." I nod in resolution, taking another bite.

After finishing the first cookie, I bring the plate to my lap and munch on them as I tell Leo everything that's happened in the past six months. Nothing too exciting, but I tell him everything. I keep the most ugly days to myself. He doesn't need to know everything.

Glancing at the clock, I see I've been recording for almost two hours.

"Well," I scratch my arm. "That's all I have to say now."

Before I lean forward and stop recording, I remember we did prediction last Christmas so we'll have to do this now, too.

"Oh, right. Almost forgot." I chuckle. "Last year we predicted we'd go on a lot of adventures."

I worry my bottom lip, willing the positive to win over the negative thoughts.

"Next Christmas we'll be together." I swallow. "We'll make up for lost time, don't worry." I wink, trying to brighten the mood. "And we'll probably have gained weight because we're going to bake a lot and I'm gonna teach you how to cook."

I lean forward and grab the camera, pulling it closer to my face.

"I love you, Leo." I whisper. "So much. And I know you'll come back to me."

I am confident about that.

• ••• •

A/N:

I love this chapter so much.

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