Roommates with Benefits [18+ only]

6. Men tend to live these things differently

PRESENT

"Taz?"

"I guess not." I repeated unconsciously, blinking my eyes open. When I felt my cheeks wet, I realized tears had fallen.

"Guess not what?" Kelly inquired, sounding confused.

"I-uh ..." I wiped my silly tears with my hand, and shook my head. "Nothing, I ... I was thinking about something else."

"Nothing to do with that moron, I hope." My sister insisted, which didn't make it any easier for me to repress tears.

I closed my eyes again, and took a deep breath. "I'll call you back." I didn't wait for her to reply, I just hung up. I threw the phone onto the couch, and ran to the kitchen to wash my face. Everything was so fuzzy that I even forgot to take off my glasses first, I only did once I'd wetted them. I groaned, washing my face repeatedly, until I was sure that tears were gone, but that heavy feeling of failure didn't leave me, not even after the fifth time.

As a Catholic, you are inevitably taught to feel shame in whatever you do if it deviates even slightly from the rules that are drilled into your head from birth.

As a shy person, you inevitably feel everyone is ready to judge you and crucify you if you so much make one single mistake. And don't get me wrong, I've often felt inadequate, out of place, but I don't think there's been a day in my life where I've felt the purest shame, like I did that time.

It was like waking up abruptly after a long slumber. You feel lost, confused, utterly shocked, as if the rug had just been pulled from under your feet. At the same time, you wish the ground would swallow you whole, so that nobody could ever know what a complete and utter catastrophe you really are.

I mean, what kind of stupid girl falls for something like that? For someone like that? Someone that exploits your friendship, your shyness, to keep on using you for pretty much one entire year.

If I think about it, I want to punch myself in the face. I believed his every lie, I fell for all his tricks, and I was even grateful for the very little attention he gave me. I agreed with him when he said nobody would want me, I wasn't worth more than a good fuck. My self-confidence was so completely irrelevant that I never even considered he might be wrong when he belittled me.

I gripped the sink tightly as I thought about it, tears inevitably falling. Our parents never gave two shits about me and Kelly, we came at the worst possible moment for them, they never intended to have children in the first place, having us ruined their plans. They were basically never at home, and when they were, they barely even looked at us.

My mother never even acknowledged my presence unless it was to criticize me, whichever the subject, but more specifically my weight, my appearance. She almost ruined my bond with my sister, because the only times she was home, our mother would just keep on reminding me I wasn't like Kelly.

Kelly is so beautiful, so bold, she has so many friends, she's so popular. Tara has nothing other than her good grades. I've heard that so many times throughout my teenage years. According to my mother, Sheila would have been a better Baker than I've ever been. No kidding, she said that.

After kindergarten, they shipped us to a Catholic school. I somewhat managed, because my sister was there for me. But Kelly is 4 years older than me, so when I was 10, she left to go to public high school. I don't know how she managed to convince our parents in that sense, in theory, we should have remained in that school until we turned 18.

Being the shy nerd I was, four years on my own weren't at all easy. Imagine spending your pre-teen years, such a delicate phase in your life, on your own, no friends, with overbearing, strict nuns controlling every single detail of your day as well as your attire.