Roommates with Benefits [18+ only]

57. In between

LUKAS

You know what, beer has never felt this good. Not that I ever quit drinking, aside from the court-mandated 18 months of sobriety. But the ones I drank tonight felt better than ever.

After she left, I merely went to buy beers, then back home. I spent the whole night on the couch, mostly drinking and thinking. I really didn't feel like going out, so when Leo texted me, I said I was studying.

The silver lining was, he texted me again about an hour later and told me Tara was with Sean and other people at a bar nearby. He and Dion had just joined them because – his words, not mine – our friend just can't resist one minute away from Janelle.

So, Tara lied about the date with Aaron. It was good news in a way, but awful news in another. It meant she purposely said something she knew would hurt me.

I spent the rest of the night trying to understand why, but between my broken heart and alcohol, I couldn't exactly reason straight. She was mad at me, that was obvious. Be it for the messages to her ex, be it for some other reason, she was extra mad at me.

Because I know her, she wouldn't be petty like that, she wouldn't hurt anybody like that for no reason. If there's one thing I've learned about her in the months here, is that I trigger the highest levels of her defense mechanisms. Whether that's a good thing or not, I couldn't say.

In a moment of despair, I considered packing my things and leaving, or even only crashing on Dion's couch for a few nights. But that would be counterproductive. We need to face the problem at some point.

She needs to stop running away every time she's upset. She probably said she was going out with Aaron just to shut me up, avoid a confrontation. Because that's what she always does. Deep down, she's still that scared shy girl that didn't dare contradict anyone.

What hurts the most is knowing that, in everyone's eyes, I'm the bad guy. No doubt, my friends support me, but in the end even they wonder if I'm serious about this. Hell, Corinne herself took Tara's side. I mean, I understood that she just wanted me to see how much damage I could do if I wasn't serious, but still. Everyone seems to think I'm just here fucking around, that I'm going to move on at the first sign of trouble. Nobody really believes I'm here for the long haul, starting from Tara.

I kept thinking about what Corinne said, about Tara being unable to believe I could possibly love her, and that was the only thing that kept me from packing up. Because in the end, that's the big question. Did she believe me when I said I love her? And if she didn't, to what extent was her answer influenced by that?

Covering my eyes with my arm, I placed my fourth bottle of beer on the coffee table. I wasn't even drunk. I have good stamina and it's not like I gulped down one bottle after the other. Those days are gone.

Then again, those exact days keep on coming back to bite my ass. I was a complete and utter idiot back then, but it seems that, even though most people get tolerance for their high school misdeeds, I get crucified for life. As if there wasn't a chance for me to change, to become better. Apparently, everybody changes, but Lukas Bennet can't.

I thought at least Tara of all people would understand that becoming a completely different person is possible. But I guess that doesn't count for me. It's like I'm a static character in a book with no development, like one of those perpetual clowns that are never allowed to mature.

My father doesn't believe I'm going to finish college, my friends don't believe me when I say I'm not going to change my mind on Tara with the same ease I change my underwear, and last but not least, the girl I love doesn't believe me when I say I love her.