Roommates with Benefits [18+ only]

46. Do I know you?

I barely slept. Lukas' words kept spinning in my head every time I closed my eyes. I hate this. I claim to be cold and stoic and whatever other bullshit, yet words always get to me, especially when they come from people I care about.

And this, especially, coming right after the blow I took with Sheila, it hurts so much more. Especially because it's Lukas. I actually thought I could trust him, then he goes and says such cruel things, making me feel once again like a dumb idiot for believing in someone.

I will never learn, will I? Jason played me, fooled me so easily that to this day I feel ashamed. Sheila was no different, if anything she was even worse. Now Lukas ... sometimes I wonder what did I ever do wrong to deserve all this. To be treated like some toy people can use whenever then discard like nothing, to be a joke, something you can laugh about. My grandma would say it's God testing me, but that seems way too easy for an explanation.

Every time I trust someone, they inevitably prove me I shouldn't have. Lukas was probably the worst in that sense, because of all the time he spent reassuring me, convincing me that he wasn't like the others.

And yet ... I mean, I get it, he was angry – even though I have no idea why –, but the words he said were mean and cruel for no reason. He knew exactly what would cut me deep and he said the exact things that would hurt me the most.

When I got up, it was still dark outside. I didn't want to risk seeing him, so I took a quick shower and got ready for the day ahead of me without ever leaving my room. When I did set foot outside, I nearly stumbled into something.

It was so dark, I thought it was a box. Last night Lukas came to my door just a few minutes after his merciless attack, begging for forgiveness, so I figured he must have left something as an apology.

However, when I lightly kicked the thing that hindered my path, I heard a small groan, which made me widen my eyes. I grabbed my phone and pointed it to the wall in front of my door, since the hallway was still fully dark and I had no intention of attracting attention. That way, no light would hit him in the face, waking him up, but I would be able to see if it really was him. And it was. Lukas was sitting against the wall right next to my door, deeply asleep.

I felt bad for a moment. Did he spend the whole night out here? No. No, I'm not letting him get away with this so easily. I went back into my room, grabbed a pillow and a blanket, and carefully placed the first one under his head, then with the latter I covered his body. I was careful not to make the slightest sound as I walked past him, heading to the front door.

"Tara ..." He garbled, but it didn't feel like he was awake. When I turned around, I saw him still sleeping, in fact. Was he dreaming about me? Lukas called my name a couple more times, growingly desperate, and I felt that churning in my stomach once again. Maybe he felt guilty about last night. Maybe he spoke out of anger and didn't mean any of it ... no, no, no. I shook my head, feeling stupid for falling into it again.

How weak do you have to be, to let people walk over you all the time? I thought I was past that, but I guess it's just a different person, not a different me. The walker is different, Tara the living doormat is still the same.

Tears filling my eyes, I scuttled to the front door, afraid I could be so stupid as to forgive his cruelty that easily, or worse, terrified that he would wake up and use his persuasive powers to talk or even kiss me into submission.

Once out, the door locked behind me, I fell back against it, and exhaled deeply, tears streaming silently down my cheeks. It's ridiculous how much I've been crying these months, I'd sworn to myself I would stop it, and yet ...

I walked to campus at 5 am, all the while wondering whether I was overreacting. The things Lukas said last night, he crossed a line, but it wasn't even simply about the specific words, it was more about the person. He pretty much called me a slut, a toy he could use whenever.