The Navigator

5. Like He Never Left

Author's Note: 

Song Credit: Quantum Physics, Ruby Waters

Disclaimer: This Chapter contains some mature language and sexual themes. This story is rated mature so discretion is advised.

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Addy stepped out of the bathroom and crossed the hall to her and Darren's bedroom. True to character he was already asleep. Sex with her apparently acted like a soporific to him, knocking him out nearly immediately. Not that she minded, it gave her some predictable time to herself. Instead of crawling into bed next to the prone figure she went back out to the living room to reflect on the evening.

Darren wasn't what one would call a passionate lover, but he always made sure she came before he did moments later with the exact same grunt accompanying his release. He would kiss her, clean himself then pass out without another word. Tonight had been no different, a steady pumping between her legs. Nothing special. Which might have been odd under the circumstances with a different partner. Addy would have thought he would want to claim her, remind her why she was in his bed, but that just wasn't Darren, and that was fine.

She settled into her couch, took a deep breath and let the privacy allow her to feel all the things she couldn't when Darren was awake. Watching her for cracks. There was only one think her mind could hold onto though, the same thing over and over.

Jax.

Jax.

Jax.

Jax was back.

Like he never left.

This thought prompted her forward. How the fuck was he here? Was Darren right? Did he lie to her and never get on the fucking ship? Was Jax a liar? Did he need to get away from her so badly he would make up such an elaborate excuse as a Colony ship? She had seen that ship launch though, there had been a party, a huge celebration for the expansion of humankind so obviously that was real. Maybe....?

She found her laptop, spurred forward by the righteous anger of the panicked and hurt. Had he abandoned her for NO reason?! Surely Dade and Billy would have told him about Gemma and if he was in the same system but did nothing, well he would have to explain that. She opened the Actaeon website for the first time in months and found an error message, 'Website disabled, try again later."

She double checked the address, it was bookmarked but maybe the link was broken, same thing. Try to search for it independently, the message popped up again. She tried to go through the company that owned the ship and hosted the website but no, it didn't work. It was down, and that was weird.

The oddness of the website had been enough to get her emotions back under control, she didn't think Jax lied, she just didn't know what had happened. Even if it turned out he had just snuck off world the same day as a major launch to get away from her, then when he heard she was pregnant chose not to return, that wasn't her problem. She couldn't force him to be a Dad, and she didn't want anyone around Gemma that didn't 100% want to be there. It hurt, but it was speculation and she simply refused to be heartbroken over conjecture. It was pointless.

She would just have to ask him.

To ask him she would need to speak to him.

That thought made her mouth water and she had to swallow several times to get it under control, not out of any long held desire for Jax, it was just the manifestation of her anxiety. Obviously.

Seeing him tonight had sparked a complex mix of emotions, each requiring their own compartment in order to be sorted through properly. The first and hardest hitting was surprise, she had believed him when he had assured her he would never come back. After that had faded around the edges she had space to think about the fear. Fear she would tear her life apart again, just because some guy wanted her around a few months out of the year.

She didn't look back on her memories of Jax with any bitterness, they had been the best years of her life. Every moment with him was worth the hundreds of moments without him, but things were different now. She had too much on the line, too much she had invested in to just toss aside all stability for a few orgasms. No matter how mindbreaking or frequent they were. Not to just have him disappear in a month's time.

Besides she was happy with Darren, well happy enough. He was good to her and Gemma, made sure they didn't want for anything and he loved them. He was different from Jax, not passionate but steady, and at this stage Addy needed steady. Predictable. Conventional.

Tonight he had gotten her home, dismissed the babysitter while Addy tried to process what had happened. He reassured her that nothing had to change just because Jax was back. That he wouldn't let anything happen to Gemma, Jax had no real evidence regarding her parentage and she was under no obligation to correct that. In fact Darren told her he would prefer it if she ran into Jax again that she was sure to avoid the subject. No reason to give Jax an excuse to hang around.

Addy had looked up at that, wanting to make sure she understood that Darren didn't want her to tell Jax he was a father? Darren had nodded, assuring her that he was confident a man like Jax wouldn't want to be burdened with the knowledge anyway. Jax wasn't a bad man exactly (his words) and would probably try halfheartedly to be involved but would soon prove to be an undependable and disappointing figure in her life. Why risk either of their feelings when Darren was all the father Gemma would ever need?

Addy had remained silent, not wanting to get into it with him when she herself wasn't sure how to feel. So far Gemma's parentage had gone more or less unspoken, everyone knew but Addy didn't really talk about it. It didn't really matter, she had been pregnant, the father was unreachable and even if he was he couldn't turn around. A Navigator was too specified a role to just pick a suitable one up at an outlying spaceport. So she had just gone about the business of being a mother, no reason to stir up dust for nothing.

Now though, he was reachable and she still wasn't sure what to say. Jax was a good man, much better then Darren thought. Still her boyfriend had made a pretty good point, Jax would leave again. He would probably come back, but while she had managed his inconsistency fairly well, she didn't know how Gemma would fair. Birthdays, holidays, all of those small important moments were at risk of being neglected by the man who should most want to be there. Even so, he had been her everything once. The idea of denying the same man, that had lifted her spirits so high and possessed her so completely, knowledge of his child was more than she could bear. She would have to tell him, they could work out the rest.

Thoughts of Gemma prompted her as they usually did during these midnight respites to crack the girls door and slip in quietly to her nursery. Her daughter lay with clenched fists above her head, face turned towards the door so Addy could see her easily. Still Addy silently approached the crib that had not yet been graduated to a toddler bed to watch the baby breathe. She often wondered for how long she would do this? Find such satisfaction at the simple rise and fall of a little chest with the occasional humorous snore when the tiny nose was stuffy. She was pretty sure she would always find joy in the reassurance of health and presence the movement gave her.

Addy smiled at her daughter's sleeping form, her mind made up. She activated the clock in her communicator, telling her it was just after midnight. The night had progressed much faster then she thought and it felt much later. She chewed on her lip for a moment. She was pretty sure she knew where Jax would be. It only took a couple of heartbeats before she was sneaking out of Gemma's room, changing out of her pajamas, and was out the door.

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Author's Note:

Thank you so much for reading! What do you think, did Jax lie? Any theories on how he got back from his anticipated lifelong sojourn into the great unknown? How would you feel if this happened to you?

As always please vote, comment and follow!

Thank you so much for reading and I will see YOU in my next chapter. BuhBye!!-Mark, via Ginger