The Navigator

11. Wholly Unique

Author's Note: 

Song Credit: Light, Sleeping at Last. -I thought this was a love song until I read this chapter with it. It's not. It's this, and I am astonished by how much it adds to this moment.

Disclaimer: This Chapter contains some mature language and sexual themes. This story is rated mature so discretion is advised.

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Jax iced over, every part of him becoming stiff and cold, his breath shallow as he processed the request. His other hand gripped over hers compulsively before she could pull the shirt away, understanding she required him to hold the girl while she put it on, but he needed to be sure it was ok. He didn't want his actions to be what pushed her away again.

"Are you sure? This isn't how you wanted to do this."

He kept his eyes down on their hands, knowing at any moment his resolve would break and he was terrified about what would happen when he looked at his daughter. Would he be able to look away? Or worse, would some archaic part of his brain refuse to let him connect with her? What if he was one of those terrible fathers who couldn't attach to his young on more than a conceptual level? What if, after all of the prideful shaping of his character, the carving out of strength, the whittling away of insecurity and jointing on of sensitivity it turned out he really was just a bastard?

He was moving fully into panic, something he very rarely experienced and not a single one of those times had been with solid ground beneath him. Addy, with her warm and open heart ducked her head so she could get herself in his field of view and gently shook the hand he was holding.

"Nothing has gone how either of us wanted it to go I don't think. Why should this be any different? Come on, I'm cold and you will be too if we don't get your coat back on. Think of it as a favor, not some big momentous moment, just take her and if you want to you can give her right back. It's going to be ok Jax. I promise."

Fuck he loved this woman, what had been wrong with him? Why had he even entertained the idea of leaving her behind? She was always fixing, mending, binding, bridging. Easy-going and spontaneous with a humor and brazenness he could never hope to keep up with. To offer him grace when he so clearly didn't deserve it was such an Addy thing to do. Her faith in him, when he felt like he was moments away from falling apart was exactly what he needed to steady his collapsing psyche. So bolstered by her kindness he moved forward.

Jax lifted his gaze and as the shirt slid from his hand he let his eyes fall on Gemma, who had quieted in the last few moments and was looking straight back at him. Addy passed their daughter to him, her hands under the child's arms. Jax awkwardly put a hand under her diapered bottom and one behind her shoulders before settling her sitting up on the crook of his left arm, his right hand splayed over her chest holding her in place. It was at once wholly foreign and completely natural.

He stared at the chubby yet elegant face, taking in every curve and plane. The button nose, the translucent ears, tiny fingers, her fresh yet slightly acrid scent. Her weight both insignificant and hearty while white hair curled in messy ringlets around her face. It was short, a mear cap of delicate fuzz; it's length indicating the span of her lifetime.

She was watching him too, small hands pinching his bare chest before she stretched with a surprising strength and reached for his hair, taking a handful of it and pulling it closer to her face. Jax, unused to the regular assaults of a toddler, winced but lifted her, hoping if she could see better she wouldn't need to pull so hard. This was the wrong assumption and found himself at the mercy of now two tiny fists wrenching his hair.