The Navigator

32. Unreadable Chart

Author's Note: 

Song Credit: Beautiful Crime, Tamer

This Chapter contains some mature language and sexual themes. This story is rated mature so discretion is advised.

_________________________________________________________

Jax stumbled for the final time as they approached his bed, he had been doing so more often then he would ever admit on the long walk from the annex, through the main house and to his room. The route had been suspiciously empty, as if he and Addy's approach was being observed and steps were taken to avoid them. It was near midday but Jax wasn't hungry he was exhausted and honestly not really satisfied. He had something else to say, more to do before his rest could be truly restful.

He fell forward, fully clothed, not releasing his assistant as he did so, partly from exhaustion but also to tease her. Get her to laugh as they tumbled awkwardly into the tangle of blankets and pillows as he held her firmly against him flatly refusing to let her go, she had offered a cuddle and he was getting it.

"Jax! Let me go!" She was giggling and making no real effort to be released so he simply gripped her tighter, adjusting his position on the bed so he could lay with her more comfortably back to chest. She squirmed. "Not so tight!" and he loosened just a little bit, but still firm in his decision to keep her there.

"Fine, you win. Damn pirate."

This was muttered under her breath and he chuckled into her ear, a healthy humor reigniting his soul just enough to let him say what he needed to. A reckoning that had been long in coming, now made inevitable by the actions and events of the day. Facilitated by her assuring him he could see Gem as often as he would like.

"Thank you sweetheart, thank you for her, for making sure she has had it so good so far. I'm sure it wasn't easy...not when..." He broke off unable to continue for a moment, pulling himself back in by his tether-away from the black hole he was floating into. "And thanks for letting me see her, I know...I know you aren't obligated to..."

He started to flail, a complexity dominating his mind that he wasn't sure how to approach or address. The most powerful of which was his overwhelming love for a little girl, who simply hadn't existed weeks before. She had lived for 18 months without him, not so much as a word of comfort or even disdain-a blank spot where nothing fit quite right. Yet now, mere days into their relationship he would catch himself thinking of things he wasn't sure he had a right to. Had opinions on things she should do, or be, or learn and he couldn't make them stop. He wanted, for the first time in his life, to be something other than a Navigator-he wanted to be a father. He wasn't sure how it had started or what he should do but there it was, laid before him like a chart he couldn't read. The math all wrong and the symbols alien, familiar yet deadly in his inability to interpret it. It was frustrating, and he was just punch drunk enough to express it.

"I just don't understand!" He buried his face in her shoulder, hissing his feelings against her skin. Skin that bloomed in goosebumps as his breath tingled there.

"You don't understand what Jax? Tell me. I trust you, remember?"

He sighed, trying to decide how to start before realizing that it was useless to pretend that he could say it all without it sounding like random ramblings so he embraced it.

"It wasn't that long ago that I was wandering around clueless, not knowing she was alive much less...mine? Mine doesn't really sound right. It sounds barbaric and archaic, she is herself. Damn, this isn't...what I mean is...how can I be so completely wrapped up like I am? I've only held her a handful of times but I would die to protect her, literally open my veins and die if that's what she needed."