The Navigator

23. Meaningful Declaration

Author's Note: 

Song Credit: Love and War, Fleurie

This Chapter contains some mature language and sexual themes. This story is rated mature so discretion is advised.

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Addy hadn't been expecting the questions about Gemma's conception to come so soon, she thought they could get through some of the simpler stuff first. The conversations that hovered over her reunion with Jax like a cloud, the ones that would dredge through the past until it was remembered that just being together wasn't enough. Especially not anymore. Physical presence was no longer the bare minimum, they would have to painstakingly define what and who they were to each other if they wanted any chance of co-parenting successfully. Not when so much lay between them, and long years lay before them, begging the question; what did she want?

She couldn't just break up with Darren and jump straight in with Jax, not with so much to say and with such delicate and deep implication in the answers. It wasn't her intention to do that, she wanted to start her life over again, free from the constant opinion of others. That seemed a bit naive, because would she ever really be free of Jax? If he was staying, working here in Vulpus and not in the sky she would see him every day and he could see his daughter as often as he would like. Continuing to find their own rhythms and patterns with each other, expanding on their seemingly already sizable personal private vocabulary.

His presence in her life had already improved it measurably, she always felt better when he was around. Even now, with her life collapsing around her, his steady gait and predictable movement brought her peace of mind. Just the way he moved around the room with his studying eyes, hands kept carefully to himself as he examined and probed about. His posture was still straight, broad back held tight and erect making her wonder if it was possible for him to slouch?

She knew that his appearance was important to him, helping maintain his reputation of a stalwart, trustworthy sailor, deserving of his position and accolades. She suspected that wasn't the whole of it, this was a matter of self-preservation. So much of himself was wrapped up in his work that she had to remind herself that it wasn't just a job, it was his life. Everything he had ever known and his very survival depend on his demeanor and reactions. It was no wonder he even slept with straight shoulders.

The memory of his resting form, one arm wrapped around her waist to keep her close to his dreams, brought an unbidden stirring in her belly that was not improved when his eyes swept over her old bed. Settling there for much too long for it to be innocent, he was remembering too. She quickly returned her eyes to her work, forcing her breath to steady as she busied herself. She could not get pulled back into him in that way, back under him. No matter how many times memory had pulled at her core since the first moment she spotted him on the street.

Their relationship had never been just truly physical, but it had been the beginning, middle, and end of every exchange. It was their method of communication, how they expressed all of the important things that were often left unsaid. How easy it had been to come to him, carrying a great burden of emotional baggage and have him unpack it for her with each cooling kiss on her hot skin. Die the little death in his circle of safety and return lighter, leaving behind the articles of insufficiency, stigma and desertion.

It was incredible to her that the Jax who returned to her, seemed to manage this with just being there. Each time she was with him he had the effect of stepping into an orb of light provided by a central hearth, the ambiance of his quiet dedication letting her feel rehabilitated and buoyant. So when he seemed troubled, eyes on her wall, staring at Gemma's constellation she approached. Hoping to share whatever it was he was experiencing, not expecting she would need to confess her deepest secret.