Heart On A Platter

Deadly Confessions

As I sigh, I was frustrated as I sat in the safety circle bullshit! I never felt safe, no with anyone. It's been that way since I was small, sad part was that this made some people actually feel safe.

"What about you Rose?"Fernny ask me as I barely gaze my eyes up from the floor.

"You can skip me today" I say as Fernny shifts in her chair at my tone.

"Rose" she says my name as it sound like a foreign language coming out of her mouth. "You said you'd participate" she tried to reason with me as I turn my frown into a smile.

"Yes! Fernny. Let me sit here and tell you about all my darkest trauma when not even I know how I feel!" I say in a upbeat tone as I return my to cynical frown. "I don't feel like participating" I warn as she stands up in the circle of chairs she refers to as the, "Healing circle."

"You'll feel better" she tries to convince me with those three words as I sigh as she crosses her arms in front of me.

"I WON'T" I scream as her face goes pale and her expression is wiped clean. "Why would I sit here and tell you about all of my deepest, darkest trauma? Why? I don't even know how I feel about them! Why you may ask?" I say as I look at Fernny straight in the eyes. "The exact reason I'm here" I mutter as I stand up from my chair and throw it into the "Healing circle." " BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING FEEL............anything" I say as I finally hear myself and I run. I run out of the meeting and I don't stop until I reach a gas station, take my phone out and call my mom.

"Hello? How was your meeting Rose?" My father ask in a calm tone as I just breath into the phone, further worrying him. "Rose?!" He ask panicked.

"I need you to pick me up" I tell him through the phone as I can hear him panicking.

"Where are you?" He ask me as I look up to the address on the store window.

"101 Redwood Drive" I repeat into the phone as I hear him typing it into the GPS.

"I'll be there in five minutes" he says as I sigh as the line goes dead and i finally look inside the store and see a slushy machine and I walk inside.

It reminds me of the day of the carnival. My grandmother took me to the carnival in a attempt to make me feel something. That was the first time I actually, genuinely smiled, for her. I felt loved that day and since then I've been chasing that feeling. The feeling of being loved, so much with the hope that if I find it I might actually have the gift of feeling again.

"Ma'am" I hear someone say, pulling me out of my head as I turn to look at the store clerk. "Are you going to pay for that?" She ask me as I take a deep breath, pull the lever down for the cherry slushy and fill it. As I make my way to the cash register I hear a car pull up. I quickly take out a crinkled up five and take my slushy and straw and run to the car. As I climb into the car and slam the door I see my father with his hand holding his head.

"Dad?" I call his name as he doesn't move and I sit in the car, in silence for two minutes.

"Rose, what did you do?" My father says, breaking the silence as I let out a deep sigh. "Fern called me" he says as I take a sip of my slushy and acknowledge the fact that Fernny rated me out. "She told me you made a scene at your meeting then ran away?!" He ask me, making me sound like a manic.

"It's just been a really hard day" I say as my father chuckles at my choice words.

"It's a hard week for you? I have to go to work! I have to watch over you to make sure you don't do anything stupid, your brother and the last thing I need is phone calls saying you are acting deranged! This is supposed to help you!" Be roughly explains to me as I stay sipping my slushy.

"Mom" I add as his ears perk up at the mention of her. "She took me............" I say as I lower my slushy and take a deep breathe and prepare for his anger to only build at her actions. "She took me to a therapist" I say as he smiles.

"That's good, this means your relationship is getting better, right?" He ask me as I nod.

"No! He told me I was crazy, that it was all in my head." I confess as his eyes start to water. "When I walked out I learned that she paid him off, his degree was fake just like his advice" I finish as he sighs and tears start to fall from his eyes.

"What am I supposed to do?" He ask me as I wish I could say I felt bad but I'd be lying. "I'm tired of this, the appointments, the meeting , the hospital calls!" He says as the truth finally come out of his mouth as I frown.

"And how do you think I feel?" I ask him as he goes silent. "You think it feel nice to sit in a circle everyday with stranger asking you how you feel? No! It doesn't. It sucks! HOW I FEEL! I don't even know I feel because I lack the common necessity that almost every human has! The one thing I'm supposed to have. I lost the only person that tired to help me for years!"  I state harshly as my fathers tears turn into anger. "Do you know what it feels like to lose the one person that understood you? I didn't even get to cry at her funeral, at all! I'm borderline psychotic, I'm a diagnosed sociopath!" I finally put it all out of the table as I let my fake smile and all the weights on my shoulders out.

"I DO!" My father yells. As I'm taken aback by his tone. "The day I lost that baby girl I lost my wife!" He confesses as I freeze.

"Dad?" I call his name, "Please tell me this is not what I think it is" I plead as his tears double and my heart stops in curiosity.

"Rose....." he says as he averts his eyes to the floorboard of the car. "Your adopted" he admits as my world stops.