Alexithymia, in the best state a person can experience a hardship in describing or expressing feeling, but in the worst case, the patient can not feel at all. 10% of the general population experiences this disorder. I am one of them, and this is my...
"Are you joking?" I ask him as he smirks at me, "No, I'm serious about this Rose. I can do this" he says as I laugh at his words. Yes, I knew that this deal was unfair. Because one thing was certain about this deal, no matter what happened. I had already lost my will to live.
"You might as well give up now, it not worth it. Besides, why is a guy like you trying to bring back my will to live?" I ask him as I sip my soda and look out of the diner window to see the lights of the buildings in the darkness, prevailing like no other. I wanted to be like those lights.
"Why don't we make a list?" He ask as his voice pulls me out of my deep thoughts and I look at him, confused to what he just said. "A list Rose" he repeats, "I know what a list is, what kind though?" I ask him, quickly picking up the conversation. "A bucket list, things you've always wanted to do" he says as I think and snatch the napkin from him and starts to eagerly write.
"What are you writing?" He ask as I'm endlessly scribbling down on the list, "Almost done" I tell him as I drop the pencil on the table and hand the napkin to back to him.
"Skydiving? Learn to play guitar? Swim? Ride every rollercoaster in a amusement park? Steal a dog? ................. Crash a wedding? What is this?" He ask me as his voice already tells me he thinks the list is too much, although for me it was barely even enough. "Yes, everything I want to do" I tell him as he freezes, deep in thought as I steal a sip out of my soda again, awaiting his response. "Yes" I hear him say something, but his voice is too soft to be heard, "What'd you say?" I ask him as he sighs, "I'll do it" he says as I smirk. "You have no idea of what you just signed up for" I warn as he smiles uncomfortably and suddenly my phone rings.
"Who is it?" He ask me as I turn over my ringing phone to see my keepers name, glowing on my phone, awaiting to hear my voice. "One minute" I tell Declan as I stand up from the booth and walk to the corner of the diner, "Yes?" I ask as I hear my fathers panicked voice and heavy breath on the other end of the line, and the second he hears my voice, I hear him thank god.
"Rose, where are you? We talked to Fernny and they said you made a huge scene and stormed out? Please Rose, tell me your fine?" He practically begs me for a answer saying I was fine, somewhere he must have overlooked, but that wasn't the case. "I'm with Declan, he wanted to calm me down after my scene, so he brought me to a diner" I tell him as I hear him let out a huge breath of relief. "Okay just, get here soon" he says as I nod, "Of course, love you" I tell him as I hear the sting in his voice as he hears my words, and I even bigger one as he takes a bigger breath and relays the words back to me, "Love you to" he says as his line goes dead and I walk over to the table and throw myself back in the booth, "Can we go now?" I ask Declan as he looks confused, "I thought you hated what you referred to a, a hell hole of a hospital?" He ask me as I nod, "Touché, but I'm tired" I say as he stands up and drops a twenty on the table and we walk out
"Thanks" I say to Declan as I hop out of the truck and my father sprints out through the door of the hospital, relieved to see my face. "Oh, my Rose" my whispers in my ear as he pulls me in for the tightest hug of my life, almost cutting off my circulation. "I'm okay" I say as he finally pulls away from me and walks to Declan truck, "I can't think you enough for keeping Rose safe today" my father says as Declan smiles, almost beaming. "Anytime" he says as he puts the truck in reverse and waves as he leaves, "You made a new friend today" my father says as I laugh, "Yeah, he won't be here tomorrow" I urge him as we walk to my room in silence.
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I won't go with her" I cry as my father pouts with disappointment spread over his face, but my decision stands the same as before. "I won't"
"Please Rose, she's your mother" he begs as I laugh and wait as the time passes and I realize he was being serious, and that's when I knew why he was defending her, he still loved her.
I was never the person who had a good track record, nonetheless at all, but I knew what it did to people. What love did was disguise itself as something that so many people prayed, begged and hoped for, til their last dying breath. But it was no like anyone said, it was a Satan in disguise, and it easily took over people. To be honest, I pitied the people in love, not because of their happiness, trust or lust for one another but for what it did to them. Love grabbed them by the shoulders and shook them, took over their emotions, body and even their brains. Love makes you crazy and unable to get that person off your mind, I rather be crazy than in love.
"You still love her? Don't you?" I ask him as he freezes and I stand their quietly weighing my option and in that moment I knew what I had to do, I just wasn't sure I had the guts until the words crawled out of my mouth, "Fine" I mumble as his ears perk up.
"Thank you so much dear" he thanks me as I nod, "I'll meet her downstairs" I say as he happily skips out of the room and I slip on my shoes and walk out the door to meet my mother.
"I'm here" I announce as I can see her face force itself into a smile upon my arrival, I knew that look to good, she was faking it. "Great, shall we go" she ask as I nod, trying to keep quiet to observe her behaviour, hoping for a answer to her acting.
As she closes the car door and I look over to her as she throws her handbag over the seats to the back carelessly. "Where are we going?" I ask her as she turns to look at me in the passenger seat and smiles at me, "We passed our house?" I ask her, hoping for her to answer me with something like I missed the turn but deep down I knew something was off. "Aww baby, we are going to get you the help you need" she answers as she smirks as I sit up and realize she had a plan...............revenge.
Revenge, not by murdering me or kidnapping me but by acting like a caring mother and taking me to the one place she denied me all my life. My one chance to get the help I so desperately wanted, only to turn it against me. "Don't" I say under my breath as my silence brings the first genuine smile I've seen to her face. "I'm just doing what's best for my baby" she says mockingly as she throws the car in park as I try to open the door and she locks it. "This is what you need" she says as she opens her car door and walks over to mine and opens the door as I try to run as she grabs my shirt and holds me back to the car.
"Come on" she says angrily as she leads me inside the office to be meet with a dull, gray waiting room. "Davail?" The woman at the reception ask as my mother smiles, "Yes" she says as she bundles the back of my shirt up more to get a better grip on me. "Great, only five more minutes and your next" the receptionist says as she throws my down on a chair, "Why are you doing this? Huh?" I ask her as she smiles, as that seems to be the only expression she can express right now, extreme happiness in my suffering.
"You've wanted this for so long and now you have it, what's the problem" she ask as the door to the office opens, "Davail" the woman calls as I stand up, "Here" I say as I follow her to the back and she opens the door to a small office with a couch and I take a seat as I wait for psychiatrist. The question that I was facing then was how could I be afraid of something I had wanted for so long? But now it was how could something I wanted forever have gone so bad?
