Heart On A Platter

Forget But Still Forever Reminded

"I can't" I say as I hurdle myself out of the stopped truck, stepping onto the road in the midst of traffic.

Why was this so hard? Life was never supposed to be this hard! So why was it? How could have I been so blind?

"ROSE?!" I hear as I look back to see Declan out of the truck and running after me as I panic, I didn't want to talk to him! "ROSE! JUST LISTEN TO ME!" He screams after me as I just turn around and keep running, I couldn't face him. How could I? Not after that! Not after any of it!

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!" I scream through the parking lot as I keep running, but deep down I know I can't run from him forever. He didn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve the avoidance, he deserves a explanation.

"Please?!" He ask me as I stop, freezing and bracing myself to break the hard truth.

"Fine!" I reply in agony to his begs. "What do you want to talk about?" I ask him as I try to not make my words sound too harsh.

"What is there to talk about?" He ask me through his ignorance as I sigh at his stupidity.

"Why not explain what you just admitted to me?" I question him as his confused expression falls, and I can see the vulnerability in his eyes, shining like beads of rain on a cold night, layering the thick magnolia's leaves. "That you have feelings for me" I repeat to him as I don't know how much longer I can look into his eyes, the way a burn pains the skin.

"I do" He admits to me as I insensitively smile. "And I won't deny it" He says, bravely standing by his words.

But just like everything else, happiness always has a expiration date. "I can't do this" I tell him as I turn my back to him, but his hand grabs mine, turning me back around to his face.

"I really liked you Rose Davail, ever since the first time I saw you. I won't deny it!" Declan serenades me with his words, leaking the sweetness of the effects from his words through his lips. But just like a bear to honey, I destroy the honeycomb of his heart.

"But why?" I beg him for any kind of explanation. "You know I can't feel! So why bother? It was..." I say as I stop before my words cause any major damage.

"It was what Rose?" He ask me as I replay with the only thing I have left. Honesty.

"It was completely useless" I let the hard truth seep through my cold lips. "I can't feel Declan, you know this" I explain to him as I see a tear emerge from his left eye, I wish it wouldn't have fallen.

"I didn't give up on you" He reminds me as I remember him being there by my side every step of the way. "And I thought maybe one day you would realize that you finally felt something, and you did!" He says excitedly, moving closer to me. "So why don't you feel what I feel for you yet?" He ask me, but that's one question I'll never be able to answer.

Here, in front of me stood every women's dream man. Declan was reliable, strong, handsome, caring and sweet, so how was that not enough for me? Was I truly a monster? This amazing man standing right in front of me, emptying the contents of his heart out to me and the only thing I felt was guilt. Why did god create such a monster? And why did it have to be me? I thought I was getting better, so why this?

"Because I'm not what you want me to be Declan!" I tell him. "I will never be normal, I'm just a girl trying to feel again, but I don't, not yet" I tell him as he nods his head no to me.

"Your lying" He remarks through his pain. "You felt something when you heard what your biological mother was! So why not me?" He ask me as I feel the same burning sensation in my gut that I did being across that plexiglass.

"You are so right" I admit what he really wants to hear. "I felt confusion when I found out I am the spawn of a killer! But is that the right emotion for the situation? I felt anger when I sat across the women that gave me life and listened to her brag about how she murdered my father! The man that saved me from the same horrific fate as that woman behind bars." I dish out all my dirty secret to him. "But I will tell you honestly Declan" I say, inching closer to him and removing his hand from mine. "I feel not even the slightest ache for you in my barely beating heart" I share to him as I can't help but be the most honest I have been in my entire life.

As I look at him, his eyes glued to the floor as another tear drops from his eyes and I can't help but feel sorrow.

"I will wait for you" He combats me with. "Let me wait for you Rose Davail?" He ask me as I can't bring myself to let him. He didn't owe me the rest of his life. What of I never came around? He deserved somebody that could feel for him, and that somebody couldn't be me.

"You won't" I tell him. "You deserve somebody worthy" I say, taking his hands into mine. "Somebody who can feel the way you feel back" I remind him as he sighs.

Holding his face in my hands, his eyes meeting mine, interlocking. "I don't love you" I say clearly to him.

"Then why do I love you?" He ask me, expecting a simple answer to guide his misguided emotions.

"Because life is unfair" I reason with him. "We often want things we can't have" my words reflecting in his eyes. "And when we have them" I say, taking my hands off Declan's jaw. "We realize that not having them was better than holding them in your own hands." my philosophy in life emerging.

"But I want you" He coos his pleads.

"But it's a blessing you don't Declan" I tell him as I stand on my tippy toes and kiss his forehead. "Because if you did you would regret it" sincerity ringing through my voice as I balance my bag on my arm and start to walk away.

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" Declan yells the question to me through the parking lot.

"I'm taking a bus home" I tell him as I continue walking the parking lot.