Heart On A Platter

Pain Within a Human

All my life I'd never felt this, this mind torturing, soul crushing, world stopping pain. And all my body could produce to counter this pain was small whimper and my elicit eyes raining.

No matter how much I knew deep in my soul that what my eyes where producing was the spawn of my pain. Tears dribbling from my eyelashes and catching to my cheeks, setting a fire through my body through rumbles as the tears continued. That word, tears.

Finally using them to describe this foreign sensation hitting my skin felt wrong. Was this really what they were? I'd seen rain before, but never thought I'd live to see the day I felt this sensation, but I never imagined the pain to be so intolerable. So miserable and mind crippling as I sank deeper into my bed, ignoring to the world and sinking deeper into my broken heart. Oh! The pain to be human.

              *****Three months later*****
Nobody ever tell you the triumphs of life. They never sit you down and describe what it will be like and won't. Ever pain, fight, nothing! I never thought my fight would be with myself. My own demon that were so buried beneath the surface it felt like their was nothing to even battle. That the everyday numbness would evolve to emotions and those emotions would evolve to normality.

But three months later and I still wasn't the same. I quit my old job, I didn't want to see anybody that once knew the person I once was. Not Declan, not Valerie, not even Jack. I wanted to savour the element of a fresh start.

"Dahlia?" I hear my name as I smiled at my name.

"Yes?" I answered as I saw my co worker Abby call to me.

"Can you please restock inventory?" She ask me as I just answer her with a quick nod. Pushing my way to the inventory and sighing as I see the piles and the boxes taking up all the floor as far as the eye could see.

"Why do I agree?" I ask myself as I grab my handy dandy box cutter as suddenly I hear rustling as I hold the box cutter to my side. And I thought through my fear, nobody was suppose to be back here, so why were they? "WHO IS THERE!" I shout throughout the small warehouse as suddenly a silhouette emerges from the darkness as I sigh. Seeing that the person is worse than any intruder.

"Where have you been?" Declan ask me as I nod at his question. "We've been looking ever where for you!" He exclaims as I snicker at that thought, bringing to light my own rage I had against him. As he reaches out to my arm as his hand lands on my arm and I feel a flicker of what I used to feel around him, safe.

"Why are you here?" I ask him as I yank my arm back to my side and away from him.

"You never came back after that night....and the bus" he says through a short pause. "Did I do something?" He ask as I plaster on a smile.

"No! Why did you think you did?" I ask him as he nods his head.

"That's right" he quips as I stand up straighter, keeping my cool. "So why did you leave?" He ask me.

I couldn't answer this question truthfully. Why would I? But to be honest not even I knew the answer. The woman that raised me didn't want anything to do with me anymore, my grandmother was gone and Declan...Declan was with someone else and I don't know why that effected me but I won't ignore it did.

"I had nothing left to stay for" I answer his question vaguely but with more truth than he could ever know. "Why didn't you ask Wright?" I ask him as he sighs.

"I haven't seen him in forever" he tells me, "That's why I thought I did something" he tells me as I chuckle softly.

"My brother would love you no matter what, your his best friend!" I explain to him as he rolls his eyes to my statement.

"Actually" he starts as he takes the box cutter and slices through the tape. "His loyalty will always be to you more than me" he admits as I stop.

I know there was truth to his words. But the thought that my brother broke up his lifelong friendship for me, it warmed my heart.

"I'm not going back" I finally tell him as I turn around to face him. "No matter what you say" I firmly state.

"Your grandmother is there, I'm there, Valerie is there, you mom is there" he explains to me as the mention of my mother makes me squirm. "If you ask me you have too much to lose" he levels with me as I nod my head to his words in disagreement.

"Good thing was nobody asked you" I tell him as he sighs and stand up off the box as he turns around and starts to walk to the door.

"WAIT!" I yell after him as he turns back to me. "How did you find me?" I ask him as his smirk fades.

"Rose was hard to find" he tells me. "But Dahlia was a different story" he admits to me as he walks out that door and something breaks in me as a single tear traces my cheek and I let it. Unbothered just like I pretended to be.

                       *********************
"I thought it was all supposed to heal in time!" I say aloud as I pace around the room.

"In time Dahlia" she tells me, "three months is nearly enough time" she admits as I snicker at her prognosis.

"I can't go back there, my mother is there, my backstabbing friend and worst of all...." I tell her trailing of, "him." I admit the prime reason.

"Why not?" She ask me. "Why him?" She digs as I smile at the thought of him.

"Because he helped me feel, and then he just left" I tell her as I talk through the subtle sting. "And then I saw him that night with my friend, MY FRIEND! Kissing her! And that night was the first night I ever felt pain, pain like that." I admit as the tears form in my eyes and my therapist slides a box of tissues towards me.

"It sounds to me like he helped you accomplish everything you wanted" she says through a smirk.

"But now when I'm around him all I feel are emotions I can't control! I don't want that!" I explain to her as the look of confusion washes over her.

"But without him?" She ask.

And without a ounce of thought my heart responds. "It hurts, everything feels faint and....." I say as I stop to sigh and admit the word that describes it all, "numb"

"The past is yours, don't make the mistake of running from it" she says as in that moment I don't have any sense to decipher those words.

"I don't understand" I tell her as she nods her head to my confession.

"You will soon enough" she says as the alarm rings and I sigh. "Time's up"