Heart On A Platter

Perils Of Wearing A Smile

"You......you saved me?" I ask him as the doctor leaves and awkward silence fills the room, "Calm down, please" he ask as I laugh. "Calm down?" I ask him as I smile and stand up from the bed, "You can't be serious" I say as I huddle myself in a corner. "You should have left me there" I whisper, "I can't hear you Rose" he says as I look up to him, "I SAID YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME THERE" I scream as he looks taken aback.

"I would never do that" he says, I know he is a genuinely good person, but I didn't want to be rescued, I wanted to be gone. "Why did you do it?" He ask me as I have anger painted on my face, even though I couldn't feel it, sometimes it felt almost normal to act it out. "Why would I do what?" I ask him as he smiles, "Be real with me Rose, take off that mask and tell me what is really wrong with you" he commands as I fall emotionless and remove my mask and stand there in the corner. "You want to know what's really wrong with me?" I ask as he eagerly nods and I take a deep breathe. Never before had I told anyone about my disorder, because I wanted to feel normal, I rather have pretended to be normal than tell the truth. "You want the truth?" I ask as he nods and I cave, "I.........I can't feel...emotions" I admit as he laughs, "That's impossible, everyone can" he says as I stand there in silence.

"Alexithymia? Do you know what that is?" I ask him as he nods no, "Best case scenario you can't describe how you truly feel, worst.........well, you can't feel at all" I tell him as I can see his face shift and him studying me, trying to see how f I'm lying or telling the truth.

"So what Wright said, it was true?" He ask as I nod, "But you can't be serious, but you smile and laugh, sometimes even look mad?" He says as I roll my eyes and swallow down my pride for his question, "Lots of people wear masks, depression, OCD and even ADHD. In a last resort to feel normal, if I wear mine long enough I mimic the emotions from people around me but...... I still feel nothing" I says as my gaze locks on the floor and I look at my patches up wrists, "Did they find the rest?" I ask as he nods and I sigh. "God, knows I'm going to be put in endless group therapy. I can't stand being in a room with people, let alone talk about my feeling with them" I say as I throw myself in bed, "I'll........I'll go with you" he stutters as I laugh. "One person suffering is enough, I can't feel so I'll probably just "accidentally" offend someone and get thrown out" I say as I look at his face and it remains serious. "I'm responsible, I would hate for you to go alone" he answers as I roll my eyes and nod and throw the paper at him, "Be there at nine thirty, I'm going to take a nap. See you tomorrow" I say as I pull the cover up to my arms and snuggle in my bed and the door to my room closes and I know that will be the last time I will see him.

***********
As I wake up to the same white room and see a bag of chips laying next to me, open and crumbs lying on my bed. "AHHHH" I scream as Wright as he stumbles to sit up straight in his chair and I throw the bag of chips at him. "ROSE!" He yells as I laugh at his pain but I'm so nervous, part of me didn't want to wake up this morning due to the group therapy.

"Ro!" My father says as he walks through the door and I smile at him, only to make him feel better and to beat down the resistance of my making a run for it. "We have a surprise for you" my father says as he pulls out a pamphlet and I throw the one I have crinkled up in my pocket at him and throw myself out of bed, as I'm fully dressed in jeans and a worms out T-shirt.

"You knew?" My father ask as I nod, "The fact that I have nothing else to do since I've been put on lockdown means I'm already two steps ahead" I say as he smiles and I walk out of the room to see him, waiting for me. "I honestly thought you weren't going to show" I admit as he walks closer to us and smiles at me with his green eyes. "Let's get this over with" I say as I walk to the elevator and press the button and as soon at the elevator ride starts he starts talking, "So this group is for suicide attempt survivors, maybe it isn't such a bad thing" he says as I nod at him and his positivity. "It is, you have to talk about your feeling and god knows what else. One minute your introducing yourself then the next.......well the next minute your doing goat yoga" I say as the doors open to my relief and I walk out and see a woman dressed in all yellow standing by the door, handing out pamphlets.

"I can't do this" I say as I turn around and meet my fathers shoulder, "Rose, this will help you get better" he says as I stare at him with a blank expression. "This will not help me get better, it will only ease your worries" I tell him as his expression saddens and I take a deep breathe and nod, "Fine, for you" I say as I walk up to the women, and swallow my detest, "Another beautiful survivor" she says as her smile beams and I turn to my father, patting me on the back, "Where are you going?" I ask him as he shoots me a smile. "Me and your brother have to talk to your doctors" he says as he pats Declan back, "Lucky for us, Declan has offered to watch you. And make sure you stay out of trouble and participate in this amazing group" my father says as he and my brother leave and my anger gaze shifts to Declan as he ushers me inside the room and I sit down in a chair.

"This place look hopeful" he says as his eyes wonder around the room as I scoff, "These motivational quotes make me want to throw up, "If you fall once, dust yourself off and try again." This is stuff they used to tell me in kindergarten" I say as I snicker as the chairs fill up and the women dressed in yellow walks to her chair and stand up, victoriously.

"Hello my scarred brothers and sister, today we are going to be working on ourselves. Building up the damage left after the storm and being more positive." She says as claps flood the room and I can only guess I missed the last few meetings, "Now I would like to start with a quote from my favorite book" she says as she pulls out the Bible and I smirk.

"But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength, Timothy 4:17" she says as I only see a selected few people who aren't smiling and praising her feet. "My name is Fernny to our newcomers, why don't we introduce ourselves. I'm 2 years free of self harm and I found my way through god, what about our newcomers?" She ask as Declan turns to me, "Your turn to participate" he says as he raises his hand and stands up and I dig my head into my legs.

"Well let's welcome our new friend guys" she says as applause fill the trim once again, "I'm actually a friend of a survivor and I would like her to introduce herself, she's a little shy" he says as he turns to me and offers me his hand as I take it and stand up as he sits down and hate resinates in my mind for him.

"Let's start with your name, sweetie"Fernny says as I fake a smile and nod as I open my mouth and wink at Declan. "I'm Rose, I'm not shy. I'm 22 and a waitress, I recently lost my grandmother and I couldn't take it. I downed a bottle of pills and slit my wrist" I admit as I show the bandaging of both my wrist, "I also have been hiding a huge part of me, I can't feel, and no it's not me fishing for attention.......I have no emotions. I'm also a atheist and I'm going to be completely honest" I say as I look at Declan in the eyes, "This group is not for me, I do not regret that I tried to commit suicide, I regret that I got caught" I say as I storm out of the room and run out of the building and I can finally breathe and I smile at the sight of the sun.

"ROSE" Declan calls my name, looking for me as I turn around to see the disappointment on his face. "Did I disappoint you? I told you not to get your hope up" I tell him as smile turns blank. "What is so wrong with you that the people by you side, the people trying to help you, you just keep pushing away. I'm trying my best, what do you want me to do?" He ask me, "I wanted you to leave me alone, I wanted to be normal. But I can't feel, so know I want to be with my grandmother and...........I CAN'T EVEN HAVE THAT!!!!!" I scream at him as he tries to get me to calm down. "I want to make you want to live? Please, just let me?" He begs as I force a laugh at his sad attempt at a joke. "If I can't make you want to live in one year, I'll leave you alone.............forever" he says as he offers his hand out to me and I think about as my hand meets his, "Deal."