Alexithymia, in the best state a person can experience a hardship in describing or expressing feeling, but in the worst case, the patient can not feel at all. 10% of the general population experiences this disorder. I am one of them, and this is my...
"Your adopted" he admits through his lips as my world stops.
"I'm what?" I ask him as he sighs at my shock.
"Your mother wanted another child, but she couldn't get pregnant. We decided on adoption, she wanted to have a child naturally, but we couldn't." He confesses as I sigh and keep sipping my slurpy. "It broke her" he says as silence fills the car.
"I can't do this" I think aloud as I open the truck door and slam it as my father jumps out of the car and runs after me.
"ROSE!!!" He calls my name as I can't help but feel nothing at this heartbreaking news, but betrayed.
"No!" I say as I stop in the middle of the sand. "I can leave! I just found out that my family never really loved me, that I was adopted and broke my mother to pieces with my existence! And I can't feel a damn thing about it! I love you but I need space" I tell my father as I shrug my arms and walk away.
If I could I'd walk until my thoughts stopped I would, but they never did. In a way I guess they replaced my emotions, my heart. But I did stop walking and called the only people I felt as if I could remotely trust.
"Declan" I say through my phone at a stop.
"Yeah, what can I do for you Rose?" He ask me as I take a deep breath.
"I need you to pass by my mothers house and under my bed is a duffel bag, can you get it for me?" I beg him as I wait, waiting through the silence.
"Yeah" he responds as I feel lighter at his response, "Where do you want me to meet you?" He ask as I smile as I think.
"The cafe where I work, just meet me there" I say as I hang up and text Valeria I'm meeting her for her lunch break.
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"Yeah, he told me that" I confess as I sip my water through my straw.
"How do you feel about it?" Valeria ask as I sigh at the question that feels like a constant joke to me. "I'm sorry" she apologizes as I smile at her.
"It's fine, maybe a little part of my feels betrayed, or it's gas, I don't know?" I say as she repeatedly hits her pen against her notepad. "But I want to find her" I add as she drops her pen in shock.
"What do you mean?" She prys as I smirk at her question to my curiosity filled thought.
"I want to meet my real mother, biological. I want to know who she is, what she did and why she left me" I admit as I raises her eyebrows at my idea.
"Your insane" she says as she get up from our table and walks to the bar as I follow, taking a seat on the barstool.
"So.....you wouldn't come with me?" I ask her as she sigh and look at the clock.
"I'm sorry Rose but I'm tight on money right now. I'm already picking up all the shift I can, I might even need to pick up a second job." She admits as I shrug at her response.
"Okay." I say as I hear a honk from out side and look to the glass door and see Declan's familiar truck. "Got to go" I say as I leave her a twenty and run to the truck in sweatpants as I flick the sweat off my forehead. As I open his truck door and relax in his leather seat.
"What trouble did you get yourself into this time?" He ask as I sigh and nod my head in protest to his remark. "Your father told me to keep a eye on you and your brother is searching everywhere for you, he even skipped his classes to start a search party." Declan explain as I chuckle at his information.
"I skipped my suicidal healing group because I refused to participate. Fernny has been a stick up my ass so I threw a threw a chair into her beloved "healing circle." I relive my past actions as Declan can't help but laugh hysterically at me, as I sit there, unamused.
"I'm sorry" he says as as I shake my head at his sinister laugh.
"It's okay, I just can't take it. So I ran. My father know but I just need space, can you take me back to your place? I need to shower and then I'll tell you about the latest update on my life. What do you say?" I ask him as he nods as throws his truck in drive.
"I didn't expect this" I says as I walk into Declan's apartment and it's decorated nicely and clean.
"You didn't expect me to have a nice, classy apartment?" He ask me as I nod.
"Yeah" I admit as I inspect the living room for any wrappers or crushed energy drinks in the corner. "I expected some dingy mattress thrown in corner and a total pig sty" I insult as he shrugs it off and I keep going. "Your shower?" I ask, straight to the pint as he point to the door in the corner of the hallway, "Cool" I say as I walk to the bathroom with my duffel bag in hand and close the bathroom door behind me as I clutch the doorknob and lock it as I let out a big sigh.
As I shed my clothes and let my sorrows wash away with every grace of the droplets of water running from the shower head. But in times like this where I'm alone my mind wonders, where one finds peace in the shadow the other find battle in the unknown of themselves, something my grandmother used to say. It was true, my mind wondered to the unknown when silence pursued, times like this I wish I could cry. When I wished I could just have a goof and jolly time and sob away everything that I could feel, but I couldn't if I even wanted to. But I can't, that hard truth cuts my thought quickly as I rinse my hair and cut the water as I quickly dress myself. Opening my duffel bag, standing in a towel before it and throwing on some shorts and a blank tank top as I walk out of the bathroom and back to the living room as I stand in front of Declan.
"I really need your help" I say as I throw the duffel bag on his coffee table as he opens it all the way and gasps.
"Where did you get that money?" He ask me as I laugh at his surprise. I wasn't the kind of person to do anything illegal but I sure did look like that kind of person now.
"It's my inheritance from my grandmother" I admit to him as he starts to reach into the bag and pours the money onto the table.
"What?" He says under his breath as he takes the money from the coffee table and examines it with his eyes closely. "There's at least half a million here" he says as I nod my head at his close estimate.
"It's actually 75,000 in all" I correct his as I turn around to see him grasping his hair for comfort as I smirk.
"What are you going to use this for? Why on earth would she leave you this much?" Declan ask as he continues to mutter under his breath.
"We are going to use it" I say as I sit beside him on the couch and take his hand into mine. "We are going to find my mother" I admit to him my reason as I witness something in his eyes break.
